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Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication (Anglais) Broché – 22 juillet 2003

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The Code of Communication:Parent-Child Conversations

Children's Questions: The Hidden Meanings

Conversing with children is a unique art with rules and meanings of its own. Children are rarely naive in their communications. Their messages are often in a code that requires deciphering.

Andy, age ten, asked his father, "What is the number of abandoned children in Harlem?" Andy's father, a lawyer, was glad to see his son take an interest in social problems. He gave a long lecture on the subject and then looked up the figure. But Andy was not satisfied and kept on asking questions on the same subject: "What is the number of abandoned children in New York City? In the United States? In Europe? In the world?"

Finally it occurred to Andy's father that his son was concerned not about a social problem, but about a personal one. Andy's questions stemmed not so much from sympathy for abandoned children as from fear of being abandoned. He was looking not for a figure representing the number of deserted children, but for reassurance that he would not be deserted.

Thus his father, reflecting Andy's concern, answered, "You're worried that your parents may someday abandon you the way some parents do. Let me reassure you that we will not desert you. And should it ever bother you again, please tell me so that I can help you stop worrying."

On her first visit to kindergarten, while her mother was still with her, Nancy, age five, looked over the paintings on the wall and asked loudly, "Who made these ugly pictures?" Nancy's mother was embarrassed. She looked at her daughter disapprovingly, and hastened to tell her, "It's not nice to call the pictures ugly when they are so pretty."

The teacher, who understood the meaning of the question, smiled and said, "In here you don't have to paint pretty pictures. You can paint mean pictures if you feel like it." A big smile appeared on Nancy's face, for now she had the answer to her hidden question, "What happens to a girl who doesn't paint so well?"

Next Nancy picked up a broken fire engine and asked self-righteously, "Who broke this fire engine?" Her mother answered, "What difference does it make to you who broke it? You don't know anyone here."

Nancy was not really interested in names. She wanted to find out what happened to children who break toys. Understanding the question, the teacher gave an appropriate answer: "Toys are for playing. Sometimes they get broken. It happens."

Nancy seemed satisfied. Her interviewing skill had netted her the necessary information: This grown-up is pretty nice, she does not get angry quickly, even when a picture comes out ugly or a toy is broken, I don't have to be afraid, it is safe to stay here. Nancy waved good-bye to her mother and went over to the teacher to start her first day in kindergarten.

Carol, age twelve, was tense and tearful. Her favorite cousin was going home after staying with her during the summer. Unfortunately, her mother's response to Carol's sadness was neither empathic nor understanding.

CAROL (with tears in her eyes): Susie is going away. I'll be all alone again.

MOTHER: You'll find another friend.

CAROL: I'll be so lonely.

MOTHER: You'll get over it.

CAROL: Oh, Mother! (Sobs.)

MOTHER: You're twelve years old and still such a crybaby.

Carol gave her mother a deadly look and escaped to her room, closing the door behind her. This episode should have had a happier ending. A child's feelings must be taken seriously, even though the situation itself is not very serious. In her mother's eyes a summer separation may be too minor a crisis for tears, but her response need not have lacked sympathy. Carol's mother might have said to herself, "Carol is distressed. I can help her best by showing that I understand what pains her. How can I do that? By reflecting her feelings to her." Thus she would have said one of the following:

"It will be lonely without Susie."

"You miss her already."

"It is hard to be apart when you are so used to being together."

"The house must seem kind of empty to you without Susie around."

Such responses create intimacy between parent and child. When children feel understood, their loneliness and hurt diminish. When children are understood, their love for the parent is deepened. A parent's sympathy serves as emotional first aid for bruised feelings.

When we genuinely acknowledge a child's plight and voice her disappointment, she often gathers the strength to face reality.

Seven-year-old Alice had made plans to spend the afternoon with her friend Lea. Suddenly, she remembered that her Brownie troop met that afternoon. She started to cry.

MOTHER: Oh, you're disappointed. You were looking forward to playing with Lea this afternoon.

ALICE: Yes. Why can't the Brownies meet another day?

The tears stopped. Alice called her friend Lea and made another appointment. She then proceeded to change her clothes and get ready for her Scout meeting.

Alice's mother's understanding and sympathizing with her daughter's disappointment helped Alice deal with life's inevitable conflicts and disappointments. She identified Alice's feelings and mirrored her wishes. She did not make light of the situation. She did not say: "Why do you make such a fuss! You'll play with Lea another day. What's the big deal?"

She deliberately avoided cliches: "Well, you can't be in two places at the same time." She neither accused nor blamed: "How come you made plans to play with a friend when you know that Wednesday is Brownie day?"

The following brief dialogue illustrates how this father reduced his son's anger by simply acknowledging his feelings and complaint.

When David's father, who has the night shift and takes care of the home while his wife works during the day, returned home from shopping, he found his eight-year-old in an angry mood.

FATHER: I see an angry boy. In fact, I see a very angry boy.

DAVID: I'm angry. In fact, I'm very angry.


DAVID: (very quietly) I missed you. You're never home when I come home from school.

FATHER: I'm glad you told me. Now I know. You want me to be home when you come home from school.

David hugged his father and went out to play. David's father knew how to change his son's mood. He did not become defensive by explaining why he wasn't home: "I had to go shopping. What would you eat if I did not buy food?" He did not ask: "Why are you so angry?" Instead, he acknowledged his son's feelings and his complaint.

Most parents are unaware that it is futile to try to convince children that their complaints are unjustified, their perceptions erroneous. It only leads to arguments and angry feelings.

One day, twelve-year-old Helen came home from school very upset.

HELEN: I know you'll be disappointed. I only got a B on my test. I know how important it is for you that I get an A.

MOTHER: But I really don't care. How can you even say such a thing? I'm not at all disappointed in your grade. I think a B is fine.

HELEN: Then why do you always yell at me when I don't get an A?

MOTHER: When did I yell at you? You're disappointed, so you're blaming me.

Helen started to cry and ran from the room. Even though Helen's mother understood that her daughter blamed her instead of acknowledging her own disappointment, pointing this out to her and arguing with her did not make her feel any better. Helen's mother would have been more helpful had she acknowledged her daughter's perception by saying: "You wish your grades were not that important to me. You want to be the one who decides what is a good grade for you. I see."

Not only children but even strangers appreciate our sympathetic understanding of their difficulties. Mrs. Grafton related that she dislikes going to her bank. "It's usually crowded and the manager looks and acts as if he's doing me a favor just being there. Whenever I have to approach him I become tense." One Friday she had to get his signature on a check. She was getting upset and impatient as she listened to his manner with others. But then she decided to try to put herself in his place and express her understanding by reflecting and acknowledging his feelings. "Another difficult Friday! Everyone's demanding your attention. It isn't even noon. I don't know how you manage to get through the day." The man's face lit up. For the first time she saw him smile. "Oh, yes, it's always busy here. Everyone wants to be taken care of first. And what can I do for you?" He not only signed the check, but walked with her to the teller to process it more quickly.

Fruitless Dialogues: Preaching and Criticizing Create Distance and Resentment

Parents are frustrated by dialogues with children because they lead nowhere, as illustrated by the famous conversation "Where did you go?" "Out." "What did you do?" "Nothing." Parents who try to be reasonable soon discover how exhausting this can be. As one mother said, "I try to reason with my child until I am blue in the face, but he doesn't listen to me. He only hears me when I scream."

Children often resist dialogues with parents. They resent being preached to, talked at, and criticized. They feel that parents talk too much. Says eight-year-old David to his mother, "When I ask you a small question, why do you give me such a long answer?" To his friends he confides, "I don't tell my mother anything. If I start in with her, I have no time left to play."

An interested observer who overhears a conversation between a parent and a child will note with surprise how little each listens to the other. The conversation sounds like two monologues, one consisting of criticism and instructions, the other of denials and pleading. The tragedy of such communication lies not in the lack of love, but in the lack of respect; not in the lack of intelligence, but in the lack of skill.

Our everyday language is not adequate for communicating meaningfully with children. To reach children and to reduce parental frustration, we need to learn a caring way of conversing with them.

Présentation de l'éditeur

Over the past thirty-five years, Between Parent and Child has helped millions of parents around the world strengthen their relationships with their children. Written by renowned psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott, this revolutionary book offered a straightforward prescription for empathetic yet disciplined child rearing and introduced new communication techniques that would change the way parents spoke with, and listened to, their children. Dr. Ginott’s innovative approach to parenting has influenced an entire generation of experts in the field, and now his methods can work for you, too.

In this revised edition, Dr. Alice Ginott, clinical psychologist and wife of the late Haim Ginott, and family relationship specialist Dr. H. Wallace Goddard usher this bestselling classic into the new century while retaining the book’s positive message and Haim Ginott’s warm, accessible voice. Based on the theory that parenting is a skill that can be learned, this indispensable handbook will show you how to:
• Discipline without threats, bribes, sarcasm, and punishment
• Criticize without demeaning, praise without judging, and express anger without hurting
• Acknowledge rather than argue with children’s feelings, perceptions, and opinions
• Respond so that children will learn to trust and develop self-confidence

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Conversing with children is a unique art with rules and meanings of its own. Lire la première page
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Couverture | Copyright | Table des matières | Extrait | Index
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Le livre du psychologue qui a inspiré l'approche de communication Parent/Enfant Faber & Mazlish.
Il est facile à lire, toujours d'actualité (mis à jour par sa fille), inspirant et sans jargon psy etc. A lire par tous les parents qui s'intéressent à comment optimiser leur communication et vivre une relation la moins stressante possible avec leurs enfants. Il explique bien pourquoi le modèle punition/récompense ne fonctionne pas et contrairement à d'autres approches 'alternatives', montre aussi comment un parent 'toujours' patient n'est pas forcément le plus adapté et du coup comment utilisez notre colère/frustration/etc pour aider l'enfant à apprendre à vivre en société et avec sa famille.
Complémentaire aux Faber et Mazlish
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Le Dr Ginott a une réelle tendresse pour les enfants, ça se sent à lire son livre. Ses principes d'éducation valent de l'or et c'est un des meilleurs que j'ai lu sur le sujet. Si l'éducation non violente vous intéresse, il FAUT vous procurer ce livre, il est tout simplement génial. Il a beaucoup changer ma vision de l'éducation et ma façon de fonctionner avec mon fils pour le grand bonheur de tous à la maison. Comment ce type a pu écrire des choses pareilles il y a déjà tant d'années et être tellement au goût du jour, waouhh!!!
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I bought a 2nd hand version, and was surprised it was so old, despite its good general condition. Pages were very yellow, but then the print date was 1969!
First chapter made me cry - I was so happy to hear a top-class specialist explaining so clearly the difference in responsive attitudes that can happen simply due to your choice of words. Of course this works on children!
Having found serious encouragement through the Mazlish/Faber books, I wanted to hear the master himself, but find that Ginott's theory does belong in the 60s/70s. If your a feminist/equal rights militant - you'll just get annoyed with some of the chapters. I'd reccommend Mazlish/Faber highly, rather than Ginott, though I'm glad to have read it.
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Amazon.com: HASH(0x986a6ce4) étoiles sur 5 160 commentaires
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HASH(0x98d6f33c) étoiles sur 5 It worked for me! 29 janvier 2004
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I came from an extremely abusive home and was too afraid to have children - afraid that I would be a statistic and abuse my own children. A very dear friend gave me this book and coupled with great counseling, I gradually rose above my fears and raised three successful and happy children. I read this book from cover to cover - I had to totally learn a new way of thinking, responding, and feeling. I read it often to keep it fresh in my mind and heart. I broke the abuse chain - I am proud of this. This book gave me the tools to do it! This book gave me the inspiration and guidance needed to be the mother I wanted to be. The reason I wrote this review today, is that my 25 yr old daughter wants to buy this book before she has children - she remembered me talking about it, reading it, and singing it's praises as I raised her. I can't give you a better review than three happy well adjusted young adults and one very happy and content Mom. This book changed all of our lives. Good luck and good parenting, Deb
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HASH(0x98a88c6c) étoiles sur 5 Ginott Helped Me Change the Way I Talk to My Kids 19 novembre 2004
Par sue bee - Publié sur Amazon.com
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I suddenly realized one day that much of the time I was talking to my three young children (the people I care the most about) in a way that I wouldn't speak to my worst enemy...yelling, threatening, constantly nagging and searching for stricter punishments to help change their behavior...none of which seemed to be working the majority of the time. I really wanted some guidance to help me change my discipline approach. This book was highly recommended to me by my mother who used the principles on me and my sisters as well as in her classroom and I finally decided to take a look at it, especially since it has been recently updated and revised. This book has changed my life. I see why Ginott's book is a true classic...It makes so much sense and has taught me a way of communicating respectfully with my children without becoming a wimpy parent. One of the keys to this philosophy is that it is permissive with feelings but not with misbehavior. I am getting more cooperation from my children without resorting to fear, guilt or spanking. I have learned how helpful it is to acknowledge a child's feelings along with giving clear limits and boundaries. As an added bonus...I have noticed that the insight and skills in this book have helped me communicate and solve problems more successfully with my husband as well as with my boss. I am really feeling good about the positive changes. If you have preschoolers, I also highly recommend an A-Z companion to this book, callled "The Pocket Parent." Ginott is quoted several times and the book is based on the very same philosophy while addressing most of the troublesome behaviors parents face daily with 2-5 year olds. Both books are filled with practical commonsense techniques that we sometimes forget are options as parents.
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HASH(0x98b96e64) étoiles sur 5 Best Behavioral Development Book I have Ever Read 29 août 2003
Par Alexander Capaj - Publié sur Amazon.com
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While this book was originally written a number of years ago, the concepts are time-tested and true to anyone looking to foster the best possible environment for their child. Ginot talks a lot about his experience with children (as a child psychiatrist) and is very effective in relaying how a child thinks, feels and behaves in response to our words, actions and inaction.
The book makes logical sense in how not only children, but some adults perceive the world around them. I currently have two year old twin boys and I have incorporated some of Dr. Ginot's recommendations and I am AMAZED at the difference it has made in the response of my boys. For example, if a child is doing something they are not suppossed to, like hitting a glass table with a plastic golf club (this is a true example), instead of just saying "Paul, do not hit the glass table with your golf club," you say, "Paul, we may not hit the table with the golf club but you can hit the ground or your golf ball with the club," the child responds differently because he knows the acceptable as well as the unacceptable, which defines the boundaries for him. In my case, Paul continued to hit the table when I failed to define the boundaries for him but when I relayed the message to him in a way that defined boundaries, he stopped hitting the table (and has not to thie day - 6 weeks later, whereas it was a 2-3 times a week occurance).
I have read at least a dozen other "child raising" books and if I had to narrow it down to one, this would be it...by a long shot!
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HASH(0x98780360) étoiles sur 5 Practical Useable Advice that actually Works! 4 mars 2004
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This book goes beyond vague theory and gives you practical advice. You can begin to use the ideas the day you start reading it. It works so well, as soon as I began using the Ginott suggestions I had many alternatives to the yelling and spanking I grew up with and didn't want to pass on to my kids. It broke the cycle of emotional and physical violence for this family.
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HASH(0x98aee030) étoiles sur 5 If you only buy one parenting book, this should be it! 8 août 2003
Par Geoff Steurer - Publié sur Amazon.com
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The revised edition of this book not only has Haim's original language and sensitivity, but also includes the wise voices of two parenting and communications experts. Together, these three authors help parents understand children in a way that makes meaningful interactions possible. This book is a timely solution to the hurried parenting we find ourselves doing, even though we never intend to "miss" our kids emotionally. This book is easy to read, sensitive to the insecurities we all share as parents, and full of real-life recommendations that can actually be implemented. This book will be the best money you spend on your children.
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