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Dealing with People You Can't Stand, Revised and Expanded Third Edition: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst [Format Kindle]

Dr. Rick Brinkman , Dr. Rick Kirschner

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Descriptions du produit

Présentation de l'éditeur

The classic guide to bringing out the best in people at their worst—updated with even more can’t-standable people!

Dealing with People You Can’t Stand has been helping good people deal with bad behavior in a positive, professional way for nearly two decades.

Unfortunately, as the world becomes smaller and time more compressed, new difficult people are being made all the time. So Kirschner and Brinkman have updated their global bestseller to help you wring positive results from even the most twisted interactions you’re likely to experience today.

Learn how to get things done and get along when you’re dealing with people who have the uncanny ability to sabotage, derail, and interfere with your plans, needs, and wants. Learn how to:

  • Use sophisticated listening techniques to unlock the doors to people’ s minds, hearts, and deepest needs
  • Apply “take-charge” skills that turn conflict into cooperation by reducing the differences between people
  • Transform the destructive behavior of Tanks, Snipers, Know-It-Alls, Whiners, Martyrs, Meddlers, and other difficult types of people

Whether you’re dealing with a coworker trying to take credit for your work, a distant family member who knows no personal bounds, or a loud cell phone talker on line at the grocery store, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand gives you the tools for bringing out the best in people at their worst.

Biographie de l'auteur

Dr. Rick Kirschner and Dr. Rick Brinkman are naturopathic physicians, professional speakers, and trainers.


Détails sur le produit

  • Format : Format Kindle
  • Taille du fichier : 5860 KB
  • Nombre de pages de l'édition imprimée : 305 pages
  • Utilisation simultanée de l'appareil : Jusqu'à 4 appareils simultanés, selon les limites de l'éditeur
  • Editeur : McGraw-Hill; Édition : 3 (13 juin 2012)
  • Vendu par : Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Langue : Anglais
  • ASIN: B0085W9K5Q
  • Synthèse vocale : Activée
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  • Classement des meilleures ventes d'Amazon: n°143.187 dans la Boutique Kindle (Voir le Top 100 dans la Boutique Kindle)
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Amazon.com: 4.4 étoiles sur 5  43 commentaires
26 internautes sur 30 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 An Extremely Valuable Resource 26 juin 2012
Par John Chancellor - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché
As the authors say, "Difficult people are a part of very person's life." They further point out that at times each of us are difficult people to someone else. For the most part we are all ill equipped to deal with difficult people. Most people could use some advice and guidance in 1) how to deal with difficult people and 2) how not to be a difficult person. "Dealing with People You Can't Stand" provides a wealth of advice and guidance we all can use in our business and personal lives.

Before jumping into specific tips and techniques for dealing with difficult people, the authors give a framework for understanding the various behaviors of people. They illustrate this by drawing an X and a Y axis and saying that people generally fall somewhere along the continuum of "get it done/get it right" on one axis and "get along/get approval" on the other.

Part 2 of the book deals with how to improve your communication skills. This section deals with resolving conflict, listening skills, speaking to be understood and how to change your attitude. So much of good communication depends on your attitude. Too often we fail to communicate our intentions and unfortunately the person we are communicating with often assumes/guesses incorrectly.

Once you have a clear understanding of the motives behind the different types of behavior, you can then understand and appreciate how the authors classify the different types of difficult people. They are: The Tank, Sniper, Know-it-all, Grenade, Think-they-know-it-all, Martyr, Maybe person, Yes person, Nothing person, No person, Whiner, Judge and the Meddler.

There is a chapter dealing with each type of difficult person. The authors go into great detail explaining how and why each type acts the way they do. The also give very specific tips for dealing with and defusing difficult people. The final chapter in this section turns the mirror so that we take a good look at our own actions when we are the difficult person. At the end of each chapter is a mini-case study titled "Great Moments in Difficult People History."

Part 4 of the book deals with communication in the digital age. This is a short but very valuable addition. So much of our communication now occurs digitally. We often fail to realize that without the visual and voice tone, volume, etc. we lose so much that is communicated in face to face or by telephone. There is some excellent advice here.

This book is well written and very easy to read. From time to time the authors show a bit of humor which lightens things up a bit. The book is fairly long and contains a lot of information. You should not expect to read through this book and be an immediate expert on dealing with difficult people. I think it will take time and practice to put these teachings to work.

I think this is a great book to keep handy, refer to from time to time. If you are dealing with a specific problem person, you can refresh your memory by reading that particular chapter.

Should be on everyone's desk as a handy reference guide.
94 internautes sur 119 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
2.0 étoiles sur 5 OK For Limited Situations ... Not Authored by Psychologists 5 juillet 2012
Par Doctor S 457337 - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
To begin with, the authors are Naturopaths. Naturopathy is a type of healing for the body that avoids surgery and prescription drugs, using instead natural remedies.

Effectively interacting with others is in the domain of psychology. I could find no reviews or endorsement of the book by psychologists.

Notably, this book extensively "borrows" concepts that had been published well before this book, in the book, "Coping with Difficult People: The Proven-Effective Battle Plan That Has Helped Millions Deal with the Troublemakers in Their Lives at Home and at Work" by Robert Bramson. Bramson is a psychologist and his work reflects 14 years of research. The customary references and credits are not given, but the further concern is that the concepts of Dr. Bramson have been distorted.

Here is a list of the similarities of this book with the former:

Bramson book (1981)
1-Sherman Tanks
2-Snipers
3-Exploders
4-Know-it-all
5-Super-agreeable
6-Indecisive
7-Silent Unresponsive
8-Negativist
9-Complainer

Kirschner and Brinkman book (1994)
1-Tanks
2-Snipers
3-Grenades
4-Know-it all
5-Yes person
6-Maybe person
7-Nothing person
8-No person
9-Whiner

Following are some specifics of the advice given in this book. The list could be much longer, but these will serve as illustration:

1) The 10 Most Unwanted List:

This is the backbone of the book. This would be The Tank, Sniper, Grenade, Know-It-All, Think-They-Know-It-All, Yes Person, Maybe Person, No Person, Nothing Person, and Whiner. Added to that is another scale, the "need to get it done" "need to get it right" and so on.

Human beings are not so one-dimensional as to fit into such simplistic categories. However, Bramson did set up this system to show "some common patterns in the behavior of difficult people which can be identified and described (and) which description helps set the stage for taking effective action" (Bramson 1981), and do not refer to any actual persons.

That having been said, the book begins with a study of the "Tank":

"Martin suddenly felt like he was staring at the business end of a loaded cannon, as his new boss, in no uncertain terms, informed Martin that there was no room for goof offs and slackers in his outfit. Eyes bulging, voice blustering, Joe Sherman warned Martin not to even think about wasting time on this job, because there were plenty of people desperate for work... It wasn't that his new boss had anything personal against Martin. Rather, in classic Tank fashion, Sherman's aggressive verbal attack was motivated by an intense need to get things done."

Leaving aside for the moment whether in this day and age any supervisor speaks in such a manner to any employee on any job, the book is determining that Sherman's motive is an intense need to get things done. In fact, Sherman could have been motivated by two dozen or more other things. We are not able to read the minds of other people. (Burns 1980) Unless we are psychologists, our task is not to play diagnostician, nor guess at motivations, but to learn proven methods of interacting with people. A reader who takes away the idea that he or she now knows how to psychoanalyze people "belonging to the category Tank" or that such analysis is necessary, is being underserved. If they actually repeat such a notion to the "Tank" person, it may not facilitate communication.

2) Control, dominate, battle:

The vocabulary persons use reflects their manner of thinking. In this book, in the first 32 pages alone, these words and phrases are used, which, unfortunately, do not reflect the art of getting along with people:

aggression
aggressive
assault
attacks
battle
belligerence
blame
bullies
cannon
conflict
confrontation
contradiction
control
crosshairs
defeat
diabolical
domination
dominating
escalate
explosion
fists
grenade
hell
humiliation
intimidate
ranting
raving
rubble
sarcasm
scorn
shot
sniper
threat
threatened
thwarted
upper hand
pushing you around
ripping you apart
running over you

This is not the vocabulary of dealing with reasonable people, even ones you "can't stand." In fact, unless you are dealing with a bully, this kind of thinking is apt to generate ineffective communication.

3) Blend and Redirect:

"Mimic the person's facial expressions and body posture/gestures, talk at the same volume level and speed. If she smiles, you smile; if she leans forward you do the same; if she scratches her head, you may suddenly get an itch. Match the volume of their voice and speed they talk. All this tells the person, 'I'm not the enemy!'"

"Take charge and redirect them."

Assuming you are not the parent or supervisor of the other person, please put yourself in the place of the other person and ask yourself how much you would care to be mimicked, taken charge of and redirected. Well, that will illustrate how the other person is likely going to feel. Use care in how you employ this.

4) Look and sound like you understand:

"Be sure not to change their words into your words, because that would be evidence that you didn't understand."

"While it is virtually impossible to reason with an emotional person, it is possible to look and sound like you understand...you can surface hidden agendas and reveal lies without being adversarial."

Surface hidden agendas and reveal lies? What if there are none? Emotional person? When you are emotional, often it seems the other person is being over-emotional, and that may not be true. Too many assumptions can get you in trouble. And it is not always "virtually impossible to reason with an emotional person," in fact, very often, reason, in the form of calmness and listening to the person, is often the only method that will work.

5) Direct attention where you want it to go:

"Telling people why you are telling them something before you actually tell them is a simple method for directing attention where you want it to go."

Is it the business of one adult to direct the attention of another adult?

6) Identify highly valued criteria:

Valued by whom?

Used in this book: "Any time you identify criteria in a discussion, you generate more flexibility and cooperation." Really?

Simply tell your manager about the goals you have identified, and generate their flexibility and cooperation. Thus, on pages 70-71, we have an employee late with his project dealing with his upset manager; the advice for the employee:

"Hold your ground; interrupt; backtrack; aim for the bottom line and fire: the boss demands to know why isn't that project finished, it's a month behind? Your advised reply: Boss, I understand you think the project ought to be finished already. From my point of view, the time I'm investing in it now will save time and money in the future."

Now that you've advised your manager about the criteria you value highly and taken charge and redirected them, you just might have plenty of time to wonder why his or her attention did not go where you wanted it to go.

7) Teach them better behavior for their own good:

"To create self-motivation for change you have to show them how something important to them is lost because of their behavior."

Is the something you are showing them really something that is important to them, or is it something that is important just to you?

8) Make specific suggestions as to what they can do differently:

Are you giving the other person advice which they have asked you for or which they have not asked you for?

9) Allow them to continue behaviors:

Allow them?

Summary: This is a pop-psychology book heavily borrowed from a genuine psychology book and skewed. It focuses on the workplace. It may offer some limited help in a few situations. Because it works by attempting to control, the techniques would best be advised when you are up against folks who are trying to bully or control you.

It would be good to read some books which explore dealing with others from various angles, and which are written by credentialed psychologists. There are too many to list, but a few off hand are:

1) Messages: The Communication Skills Book - McKay, Davis and Fanning

2) Working Anger: Preventing & Resolving Conflict on the Job - Potter-Efron

3) How to Deal with Annoying People - Phillips and Alyn

4) Toxic Coworkers: How to Deal with Dysfunctional People on the Job - Cavaiola

5) How to Solve Your People Problems - Godwin

6) Coping with Difficult People: The Proven-Effective Battle Plan That Has Helped Millions Deal with the Troublemakers in Their Lives at Home and at Work - Bramson.

7) Last but not least, more generally on the importance of this topic: Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ - Goleman
8 internautes sur 9 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Fourth copy I've purchased 9 janvier 2013
Par m.p. - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
I've read and re-read this book, and have bought it for others who are dealing with difficult people. The only thing I really don't like about this book is the title. In fact, there are NO people I can't stand. But there are certain behaviors that certain people exhibit that are very difficult. This book helps the reader understand some of the drivers for those behaviors, and provides very helpful recommendations for how to address relationships that have been damaged by those behaviors.

Because of the title it's hard to recommend this book, because it immediately makes some people wonder what people I can't stand if I like the book so much. I'd prefer "Dealing with behaviors you can't stand" as a simple alternative--but I'm not the author.
2 internautes sur 2 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
4.0 étoiles sur 5 So I'm a tank... 4 mai 2013
Par Netherlands - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Format Kindle|Achat vérifié
Now that I've read this book, I know I'm one of those people you need to look out for (by the way: so are you). I'm a Tank, and what are you? The Ricks wrote a very nice book on how to - well, you know the title. That's really what it is about, so don't hesitate and start reading. It actually will help, it is thorough, entertaining and packed with practical advice. Well, what are you waiting for, soldier?
2 internautes sur 2 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Very useful go-to book 28 mars 2013
Par Cadre - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Format Kindle|Achat vérifié
This book's lessons are comprehensive and easily absorbed, which has made it a very useful resource over the years. Whenever I come up against someone with behaviors...outside the norm, I can easily associate it with the types illustrated in the book and respond accordingly. The fact is, the recommendations in this book WORK, and that's all I can ask for.
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