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Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
 
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Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most [Format Kindle]

Douglas Stone , Bruce Patton , Sheila Heen , Roger Fisher

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Descriptions du produit

Amazon.com

We've all been there: We know we must confront a coworker, store clerk, or friend about some especially sticky situation--and we know the encounter will be uncomfortable. So we repeatedly mull it over until we can no longer put it off, and then finally stumble through the confrontation. Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, offers advice for handling these unpleasant exchanges in a manner that accomplishes their objective and diminishes the possibility that anyone will be needlessly hurt. The authors, associated with Harvard Law School and the Harvard Project on Negotiation, show how such dialogues actually comprise three separate components: the "what happened" conversation (verbalizing what we believe really was said and done), the "feelings" conversation (communicating and acknowledging each party's emotional impact), and the "identity" conversation (expressing the situation's underlying personal meaning). The explanations and suggested improvements are, admittedly, somewhat complicated. And they certainly don't guarantee positive results. But if you honestly are interested in elevating your communication skills, this book will walk you through both mistakes and remedies in a way that will boost your confidence when such unavoidable clashes arise. --Howard Rothman

From Publishers Weekly

Bringing together the insights of such diverse disciplines as law, organizational behavior, cognitive, family and social psychology and "dialogue" studies, Stone, Patton and Heen, who teach at Harvard Law School and the Harvard Negotiation Project, illustrate how to handle the challenges involved in effectively resolving "difficult conversations," whether in an interpersonal, business or political context. While many of their points are simplisticAdon't ignore your feelings, consider the other person's intentions, take a break from the situationAthey're often overlooked in stressful moments. Most useful are the strategies for disarming the impulse to lay blame and for exploring one's own contribution to a tense situation. Also of value are specific recommendations for bringing emotions directly into a difficult discussion by talking about them and paying attention to the way they can subtly inform judgments and accusations. If these recommendations aren't followed, the authors contend, emotions will seep into the discussion in other, usually damaging, ways. Stone, Patton and Heen illustrate their points with anecdotes, scripted conversations and familiar examples in a clear, easy-to-browse format. While "difficult conversations" may not have the intrinsic appeal of the Harvard Negotiation Project's previous bestseller, Getting to Yes, this book is a cogent resource for those who see the sense in preparing for tough talks in advance. Agent, Esther Newberg. Ad/promo; author tour. (Apr.) FYI: Patton is the co-author of Getting to Yes.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Amazon.com: 4.6 étoiles sur 5  120 commentaires
28 internautes sur 28 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 No matter who we are, we all have difficult conversations too often, that don't go as well as we would like. 11 janvier 2011
Par Blaine Greenfield - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché
A book on CD called to me when I saw its captivating title: DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS: HOW TO DISUCSS WHAT MATTERS MOST--written and read by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.

The fact that Patton was one of the authors also caught my attention, in that he was the coauthor of one of my favorite books on negotiations, GETTING TO YES!

This effort covers such topics as dealing with your ex-husband who can't seem to show up reliably for weekends with the kinds navigating a workplace fraught with office politics or racial tensions, and saying "I'm sorry" or "I love you." No matter who we are, we've all had to have similar conversations and too often, they don't go as well as we would like.

DIFFICULT CONVERSATONS at least makes them easier by providing such useful advice as the following:

* Use "and" to help you become clearer; e.g.,, "I understand what you're saying, and I feel this way."

* Put things on the table without judgments.

* Saying "I feel" will cause the other person to be less likely to argue with you.

* Postponing a conversation can sometimes be helpful.

* Sometimes, actions are better than conversations; e.g., going to a mother's home rather than always being asked, "When are you going to come home?"

* People are more likely to change when they don't have to.

* If you don't have a question, don't ask one; e.g., "Are you going to clean the refrigerator?" vs. "Please clean the refrigerator."

And this one final tidbit, which I have personally found very useful: Be careful when making judgments. It is easy to say, "Spanking is wrong," but a better way to say this might well be, "I believe spanking is wrong."
23 internautes sur 23 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 In my top three recommended books 7 décembre 2010
Par straykatstudio - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché
This book (the 2000 version) saved my sanity once and got me through a very stressful family time. Not only did it help with my relationships, it helped me to think about the problem in a different way that gave me greater peace of mind and clarity of thought and purpose. Everyone on the planet should buy, not borrow, this book, and read it every year.
13 internautes sur 14 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
4.0 étoiles sur 5 Very pragmatic 18 septembre 2013
Par Nik E. - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché
I like this book. It doesn't presume that it will solve your problems. It acknowledges that the other party has to want to participate in fixing the problem. It basically just tells you techniques on how not to make the situation worse, and what will likely lead to an improvement.

After reading it, the problems don't seem less daunting, but I do feel more confident knowing what mistakes I've been making in the past. I used to be the type who thought if I had the loudest and most fear-inducing bark, then I'd be sure to get my way. I figured out after a number of shouting matches hurling hurtful words that that doesn't work. Eventually, I became the type to avoid arguments altogether believing they weren't worth it, and whatever problem it was, I'd have to live with it (b/c from my experience no matter what is said or done people are going to see only their point of view and therefore not desire to accommodate me). That made me miserable. I became the most passive aggressive person you'll ever meet, lol. I wouldn't bother to have a conversation, just react by cutting off the person, avoiding eye contact with them, or just quitting.

This book has been really enlighting b/c I do so many of the things they warn against. I definitely suffer identity crises, and take the all-or-nothing stance. I do assume I know someone's intent when their actions have affected me negatively. This is going to take a lot of practice, but I already know the alternative, and I don't want to end up alone and jobless, so this is what I'll have to do.
14 internautes sur 15 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Great book - very eye-opening! 18 mai 2012
Par JM555 - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
I don't normally write reviews, but this book was great. I was skeptical and figured it would just list a bunch of suggestions that aren't practical in the real world, but I was wrong. Some of the material was very eye-opening, especially the topics that deal with looking at yourself to see how you may be contributing to the problem. Highly recommended!
12 internautes sur 13 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 A magnificent book on a great subject 23 septembre 2013
Par BruceB33 - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
I will start by admitting I have terrible communication skills and sought this book out after reading about it in "Almost a psychopath," by Jim Silver. I know what I want to say does not normally come out the way I tend for it to do which has caused me countless unnecessary trouble in my life. I thought the layout of the book and its contents were incredible. I thoroughly enjoyed how the authors utilized different learning styles as much as book could allow, for example pseudo conversations, tables, graphs, etc. I've noticed a difference in how I approach and react to conversations whether they be difficult or day to day. However I still am struggling with trying to communicate effectively with a loved one in my life, in time with practice I have faith my goals will be completed. I enjoyed the responses to the top 10 FAQ in the back, the part on email and texting have been a real life saver! Since reading this book I've also added some new ones of my lists of books to read. Outstanding read and I recommend it to everyone since we all communicate with each other in some form or another.
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Passages les plus surlignés

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The point is this: difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values. &quote;
Marqué par 202 utilisateurs Kindle
&quote;
difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings. &quote;
Marqué par 163 utilisateurs Kindle
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we assume we know the intentions of others when we dont. Worse still, when we are unsure about someones intentions, we too often decide they are bad. &quote;
Marqué par 160 utilisateurs Kindle

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