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The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You (Anglais) Broché – 9 janvier 2001


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Extrait

Are You an HSP? Temperament, Love, and Sensitivity

"I fall in love so damn hard."

"I feel like an alien sometimes. Everyone else seems to be in a relationship. But what they call love just doesn't appeal to me."

"Investments, cars, sports, getting ahead at work—I don't say it, but I've zero interest in those things compared to my love for my wife."

When highly sensitive people (HSPs) confide about love, there is notable depth and intensity. They fall in love hard and they work hard on their close relationships. Yes, sometimes non-HSPs sound similarly enthralled and confused by love, but on the average, HSPs have a more soul-shaking underlying experience.

None of this is too surprising. As I said in the introduction, HSPs are that 15 to 20 percent of the population born with nervous systems that pick up on subtleties, reflect deeply, and therefore are easily overwhelmed. So of course an HSP in love notices every nuance of another, reflects deeply on the other's charms, and is overwhelmed by the whole experience.

Even if it's not surprising that HSPs have these reactions, how little has been said about it. People are reading about psychology more than ever—I think we are awakening to the fact that our happiness and the world's survival depend on a deeper knowledge of the psyche and of love in particular. And this very basic trait of sensitivity, along with the entire neglected topic of inherited temperament, are absolutely essential for that deeper knowledge. Yet the topic is largely ignored, as if it is undemocratic to say we are born different.

In this chapter we will thoroughly explore sensitivity as well as another inherited temperament trait, sensation seeking. At the end we will return to you as an HSP and what you need for yourself before we take up the concern of the rest of the book, your relationships with others.

WHAT TEMPERAMENT ARE YOU? TIME TO FIND OUT

If you haven't already, take the HSP Self-Test on page 11 and score it. Then take the Sensation Seeker Self-Test here and score that as well—I will explain more about what it measures later in the chapter. (Taking these tests before you read further means your answers will be less influenced.) By the way, HSPs can score high on both tests.

If you are in a relationship and your partner is willing to take the same tests, now would be a good time for your partner to take the second copy of each test, which I've provided for that purpose.

If your partner is not going to take the tests for some reason, you can fill them out, answering the questions as you think your partner would.

If you do not have a partner, you can fill them out as you imagine a past partner would have—someone you were once close to and want to think about as you read this book.

Are You a Sensation Seeker?

A Self-Test


Answer each question according to the way you feel. Answer true if it is at least somewhat true for you. Answer false if it is not very true or not at all true for you.

T F         If it were safe, I would like to take a drug that would cause me to have strange new experiences.

T F         I can become almost painfully bored in some conversations.

T F         I would rather go to a new place I may not like than go back again to a place I know I like.

T F         I would like to try a sport that creates a physical thrill, like skiing, rock climbing, or surfing.

T F         I get restless if I stay home for long.

T F         I don't like waiting with nothing to do.

T F         I rarely watch a movie more than once.

T F         I enjoy the unfamiliar.

T F         If I see something unusual, I will go out of my way to check it out.

T F         I get bored spending time with the same people everyday.

T F         My friends say it is hard to predict what I will want to do.

T F         I like to explore a new area.

T F         I avoid having a daily routine.

T F         I am drawn to art that gives me an intense experience.

T F         I like substances that make me feel "high."

T F         I prefer friends who are unpredictable.

T F         I look forward to being in a place that is new and strange to me.

T F         To me, if I am spending the money to travel, the more foreign the country the better.

T F         I would like to be an explorer.

T F         I enjoy it when someone makes an unexpected sexual joke or comment that starts everyone laughing a little nervously.

To score, see the box after the Partner Test.

Is Your Partner a Sensation Seeker?

A Self-Test to Be Completed by Your Partner


(If you are not in a relationship or your partner does not want to take this test, you can fill it out yourself, answering the questions as you would imagine your partner would, or as someone would whom you have been close to in the past and want to think about as you read this book.)

Answer each question according to the way you feel. Answer true if it is at least somewhat true for you. Answer false if it is not very true or not at all true for you.

T F         If it were safe, I would like to take a drug that would cause me to have strange new experiences.

T F         I can become almost painfully bored in some conversations.

T F         I would rather go to a new place I may not like than go back again to a place I know I like.

T F         I would like to try a sport that creates a physical thrill, like skiing, rock climbing, or surfing.

T F         I get restless if I stay home for long.

T F         I don't like waiting with nothing to do.

T F         I rarely watch a movie more than once.

T F         I enjoy the unfamiliar.

T F         If I see something unusual, I will go out of my way to check it out.

T F         I get bored spending time with the same people everyday.

T F         My friends say it is hard to predict what I will want to do.

T F         I like to explore a new area.

T F         I avoid having a daily routine.

T F         I am drawn to art that gives me an intense experience.

T F         I like substances that make me feel "high."

T F         I prefer friends who are unpredictable.

T F         I look forward to being in a place that is new and strange to me.

T F         To me, if I am spending the money to travel, the more foreign the country the better.

T F         I would like to be an explorer.

T F         I enjoy it when someone makes an unexpected sexual joke or comment that starts everyone laughing a little nervously.

Revue de presse

?The Highly Sensitive Person in Love gives relationships their proper basis in the inner life, and honors those who are by nature drawn to that life. This wonderful and important book will help the highly sensitive find peace and fulfillment in their relationships.?
--Robert Johnson, Doc.Hum., author of Inner Work and Balancing Heaven and Earth


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Amazon.com: 54 commentaires
164 internautes sur 168 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Rambles a bit; however, still enlightening 19 avril 2000
Par Un client - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
Aron's first book, The Highly Sensitive Person, was groundbreaking. The author pioneered in presenting a well-researched theory on what was essentially an inherited temperament leading to an unusual level of sensitivity to one's environment. Being sensitive to this degree, one sees the subtleties others miss, feels the depths others fail to experience, and essentially lives a fuller life just by observation, let alone by experience. However, this attunement has the downside of over-stimulation of the senses, resulting in feelings of discomfort or panic and a need to retreat into a far less active environment. When I first read Aron's book, I found myself. Not all of me, since each individual has myriad aspects both biological and experiential in origin, but an understanding of some of my persistent and inescapable (inexplicable) behaviors. Now, I appreciate my sensitivity, realizing that I'm not paranoid because I put 2 + 2 together more quickly than anyone I know. In fact, after Aron's book, I've learned to use and trust this ability to my and others' advantage. I realize too that I need a peaceful, silent retreat from stimulus in order to regain my balance -- realize it and understand it and permit it.
So it was with anticipation that I got myself a copy of her new book, hoping for many insights into achieving a harmonious and pleasurable love life. The HSP in Love is not as well-written or as innovative or amazing as was the original volume. I found it difficult at times to focus on the point the author was making during a discussion; however, certain points were enlightening, especially when the author writes about current research into relationships (which apply to everyone, not just HSPs). From time to time there are too many acronyms -- HSPs, non-HSPs, HSS, non-HSS, HSW, HSM, etc. -- in one paragraph, so the writing style became choppy and difficult to follow. The book contains a summary of the theory which though a good review takes up too much of the text, so there isn't enough about the "love": relationships, romance, sexuality, or platonic relationships as well. That was disappointing. Also, at times I felt like I was reading the first draft of the book, as if the author had no time to produce the book she actually intended -- something tight and organized, filled with revealing info about HSP relationships.
There was good information in this book. Don't get me wrong on that. It was worth reading, but I was left wanting more info rather than feeling like I had learned a great deal. Based on the book, my relationships have not improved, but I know a little more about loving relationships and I have more compassion for myself and my behavior/needs within the relationships. The book is worth reading for anyone identifying with being a HSP, but be sure you read The Highly Sensitive Person first so you have an understanding of the theory and get the most enlightenment about yourself before delving into to this later book.
68 internautes sur 69 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Sound Advice on Building Sensitive Relationships 5 octobre 2002
Par Peter Messerschmidt - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Broché
The Highly Sensitive Person in Love is Dr. Elaine N. Aron's "sequel" to her best-selling book "The Highly Sensitive Person."
This second book builds on her previous research, this time taking on the topic of Relationships and along with it, possibly one of the most difficult issues facing Highly Sensitive People (HSPs): How to balance a strong need for "alone and quiet time" with the genuine desire to have an active and fulfilling intimate relationship. In addition to her research, Aron (an HSP) also draws on experiences from her own marriage to a non-HSP.
As a starting point, the book includes a "Sensitivity Self Test" for both the reader and their mate or potential partner. Aron then goes on to explain how HSPs differ from the rest of the world in the way they fall in love, think about love, and their needs within a relationship. There are separate chapters covering the pluses and minuses of different types of relationships: Two HSPs together, and an HSP paired with a non-HSP, as well as the differing needs of highly sensitive men and women. Finally, there are sections on "Building Sensitive Partnerships" and HSP Sexuality. Except for a few vague and indirect references, "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love" deals strictly with heterosexual relationships.
Whereas I enjoyed this book, and found much useful information within its pages, it didn't seem to offer quite the number of insights provided by "The Highly Sensitive Person." This perhaps goes to illustrate that whereas HSPs may have special needs, their relationship dynamics aren't AS different from anyone else's as one might think. Still, the book is well worth a read-- the sections on dating that "works" for an HSP, handling conflicts in a relationship, communication, and dividing "like" and "dislike" tasks in low-stress ways are highly recommended.
Aron's writing style gets a little dry and "clinical" from time to time, but the book is still quite readable. I think it stands alone quite well, but I would still highly recommend also reading Dr. Aron's original book.

Overall rating: Recommended (7.2 bookmarks out of a possible 10), not only for the Highly Sensitive Person, but also for a less sensitive person with a Highly Sensitive partner who thoroughly mystifies them!
79 internautes sur 83 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Well worth reading - Go for it! 18 juin 2000
Par Un client - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
After reading the first three reviews, I put off buying this book. I got the impression that it might be just a rehash of Elaine Aron's previous HSP books which I already own.Nothing could be further from the truth! This book is packed with useful information and practical strategies for HSPs to use to build solid, fulfilling relationships. I gleaned many insights and ideas that I plan to use to enhance my relationships with my family and friends as well as with my husband.If you're serious about building a happy, fulfilling life as an HSP, I highly recommend this book.
100 internautes sur 111 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
A Voice That Often Goes Unheard 27 juin 2000
Par daphne.stevens@att.net - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
As a psychotherapist, I found this book an invaluable source of practical wisdom. The author has articulated something that often goes unheard in a extraverted, "more is more, and more is better" culture. HSP's have difficulty making a relationship to their healthy creative selves; they have often learned to pathologize their gifts of intuition and introspection, depth and empathy. Separated from self, it should be no surprise that they also often become alienated from their partners, but when they are in sync with themselves, they can be warm, compassionate, spontaneous and profoundly present in love relationships. It is gratifying to find a resource that offers concrete suggestions and a wealth of support to HSP's. They are among the more gifted among us, and they need and deserve to be encouraged.
17 internautes sur 17 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Know who you are before you go shopping 18 juillet 2011
Par Dan E. Nicholas - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Broché
I'd say this is required reading for those who are dating...or in a relationship where there's some conflict at times. She talks here about HSP--Highly Sensitive People who are in HSP/HSP relationships or HSP/non-HSP relationships. Very helpful.

I first read this and another of her works when I was dating a therapist. She got me into reading Elaine Aron as part of my self discovery quest. Seems obvious that you're not likely to connect well with other people if you don't know yourself well. So I took up the challenge of considering if I was one of these HSP folk. Yep. If you are wondering who you are in relation to others--even your own grand kids, I'd recommend her other introduction book as the first of a pair: The Highly Sensitive Person.

I read this Who Am I work with other "wiring books" about the brain (A General Theory of Love by Lewis and friends; and Why We Love by Helen Fisher). And, of course, heart and soul books (Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore, The Authentic Heart, by John Amodeo)along with poetry. No self discovery tour is quite complete--seems to me--without lots of poetry salted in, read and written.

My big take away with this book was to be able to stop judging myself for being different, knowing after this study that from the womb 20% of us are HSP...highly sensitive persons. I understand full well now that when I enter a party I see everything and everybody, all the conversations going on at once...that's just the way I am. It's just how my brain is wired, my brain and heart. I see now why I can only watch one movie a night, for example, and why a double feature sends me spinning. I need to process what's been in front of me (lots of things, says HSP wiring) and can't move on to B until I've exhausted A. Another reason here that I suppose I am and always be one who takes things way too seriously.

Also, if you live with someone who is a HSP you need to read this book together so you'll understand why you are both so annoying sometimes.

What I got from this was that it's not a good thing or a bad thing but a wiring thing if you are a HSP man or woman. Indeed, if you're not the one in five who are wired this way...wouldn't that be good to know?

She's got a new edition out I see--1997--so this work is still being read, studied. Good. So I'd say get this book so you'll understand the HSP/non-HSP interface if nothing else. Would help in the home and in the office no doubt.

I'd also say that if you are not in the position to date a therapist, save some couch time, go easy on your wallet and your insurance plan at work and buy this book.
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