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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk [Format Kindle]

Adele Faber , Elaine Mazlish
4.7 étoiles sur 5  Voir tous les commentaires (13 commentaires client)

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Descriptions du produit


1| Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings


I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.

Living with real children can be humbling. Every morning I would tell myself, “Today is going to be different,” and every morning was a variation of the one before: “You gave her more than me!” . . . “That’s the pink cup. I want the blue cup.” . . . “This oatmeal looks like throw-up.” . . . “He punched me.” . . . “I never touched him!” . . . “I won’t go to my room. You’re not the boss over me!”

They finally wore me down. And though it was the last thing I ever dreamed I’d be doing, I joined a parent group. The group met at a local child-guidance center and was led by a young psychologist, Dr. Haim Ginott.

The meeting was intriguing. The subject was “children’s feelings,” and the two hours sped by. I came home with a head spinning with new thoughts and a notebook full of undigested ideas:


Direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.


When kids feel right, they’ll behave right.


How do we help them to feel right?


By accepting their feelings!


Problem—Parents don’t usually accept their children’s feelings. For example:

“You don’t really feel that way.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re tired.”

“There’s no reason to be so upset.”

Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids. Also teaches them not to know what their feelings are—not to trust them.


After the session I remember thinking, “Maybe other parents do that. I don’t.” Then I started listening to myself. Here are some sample conversations from my home—just from a single day.

CHILD:Mommy, I’m tired.ME:You couldn’t be tired. You just napped.CHILD:(louder) But I’m tired.ME:You’re not tired. You’re just a little sleepy. Let’s get dressed.CHILD:(wailing) No, I’m tired!CHILD:Mommy, it’s hot in here.ME:It’s cold. Keep your sweater on.CHILD:No, I’m hot.ME:I said, “Keep your sweater on!”CHILD:No, I’m hot.CHILD:That TV show was boring.ME:No, it wasn’t. It was very interesting.CHILD:It was stupid.ME:It was educational.CHILD:It stunk.ME:Don’t talk that way!

Can you see what was happening? Not only were all our conversations turning into arguments, I was also telling my children over and over again not to trust their own perceptions but to rely on mine instead.

Once I was aware of what I was doing, I was determined to change. But I wasn’t sure how to go about it. What finally helped me most was actually putting myself in my children’s shoes. I asked myself, “Suppose I were a child who was tired, or hot or bored? And suppose I wanted that all-important grown-up in my life to know what I was feeling . . . ?”

Over the next weeks I tried to tune in to what I thought my children might be experiencing, and when I did, my words seemed to follow naturally. I wasn’t just using a technique. I really meant it when I said, “So you’re still feeling tired—even though you just napped.” Or “I’m cold, but for you it’s hot in here.” Or “I can see you didn’t care much for that show.” After all, we were two separate people, capable of having two different sets of feelings. Neither of us was right or wrong. We each felt what we felt.

For a while, my new skill was a big help. There was a noticeable reduction in the number of arguments between the children and me. Then one day my daughter announced, “I hate Grandma,” and it was my mother she was talking about. I never hesitated for a second. “That is a terrible thing to say,” I snapped. “You know you don’t mean it. I don’t ever want to hear that coming out of your mouth again.”

That little exchange taught me something else about myself. I could be very accepting about most of the feelings the children had, but let one of them tell me something that made me angry or anxious and I’d instantly revert to my old way.

I’ve since learned that my reaction was not that unusual. On the following page you’ll find examples of other statements children make that often lead to an automatic denial from their parents. Please read each statement and jot down what you think a parent might say if he were denying his child’s feelings.


I. CHILD: I don’t like the new baby.

PARENT: (denying the feeling)





II. CHILD: I had a dumb birthday party. (After you went “all out” to make it a wonderful day.)

PARENT: (denying the feeling)





III. CHILD: I’m not wearing this stupid retainer anymore. It hurts. I don’t care what the orthodontist says!

PARENT: (denying the feeling)





IV. CHILD: I hate that new coach! Just because I was one minute late he kicked me off the team.

PARENT: (denying the feeling)





Did you find yourself writing things like:

“That’s not so. I know in your heart you really love the baby.”

“What are you talking about? You had a wonderful party—ice cream, birthday cake, balloons. Well, that’s the last party you’ll ever have!”

“Your retainer can’t hurt that much. After all the money we’ve invested in your mouth, you’ll wear that thing whether you like it or not!”

“You have no right to be mad at the coach. It’s your fault. You should have been on time.”

Somehow this kind of talk comes easily to many of us. But how do children feel when they hear it? In order to get a sense of what it’s like to have one’s feelings dismissed, try the following exercise:


Imagine that you’re at work. Your employer asks you to do an extra job for him. He wants it ready by the end of the day. You mean to take care of it immediately, but because of a series of emergencies that come up you completely forget. Things are so hectic, you barely have time for your own lunch.

As you and a few coworkers are getting ready to go home, your boss comes over to you and asks for the finished piece of work. Quickly you try to explain how unusually busy you were today.

He interrupts you. In a loud, angry voice he shouts, “I’m not interested in your excuses! What the hell do you think I’m paying you for—to sit around all day on your butt?” As you open your mouth to speak, he says, “Save it,” and walks off to the elevator.

Your coworkers pretend not to have heard. You finish gathering your things and leave the office. On the way home you meet a friend. You’re still so upset that you find yourself telling him or her what had just taken place.

Your friend tries to “help” you in eight different ways. As you read each response, tune in to your immediate “gut” reaction and then write it down. (There are no right or wrong reactions. Whatever you feel is right for you.)


I. Denial of Feelings: “There’s no reason to be so upset. It’s foolish to feel that way. You’re probably just tired and blowing the whole thing out of proportion. It can’t be as bad as you make it out to be. Come on, smile . . . You look so nice when you smile.”

Your reaction:





II. The Philosophical Response: “Look, life is like that. Things don’t always turn out the way we want. You have to learn to take things in stride. In this world, nothing is perfect.”

Your reaction:





III. Advice: “You know what I think you should do? Tomorrow morning go straight to your boss’s office and say, ‘Look, I was wrong.’ Then sit right down and finish that piece of work you neglected today. Don’t get trapped by those little emergencies that come up. And if you’re smart and you want to keep that job of yours, you’ll make sure nothing like that ever happens again.”

Your reaction:





IV. Questions: “What exactly were th...

Revue de presse

“Will bring about more cooperation from children than all the yelling and pleading in the world.” –Christian Science Monitor

“An excellent book that’s applicable to any relationship.” –Washington Post

“Practical, sensible, lucid…the approaches Faber and Mazlish lay out are so logical you wonder why you read them with such a burst of discovery.” –Family Journal

“An exceptional work, not simply just another ‘how to’ book…All parents can use these methods to improve the everyday quality of t heir relationships with their children.” –Fort Worth Star Telegram

Détails sur le produit

  • Format : Format Kindle
  • Taille du fichier : 4835 KB
  • Nombre de pages de l'édition imprimée : 370 pages
  • Editeur : Scribner; Édition : Updated (7 février 2012)
  • Vendu par : Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Langue : Anglais
  • ASIN: B005GG0MXI
  • Synthèse vocale : Non activée
  • X-Ray :
  • Word Wise: Activé
  • Moyenne des commentaires client : 4.7 étoiles sur 5  Voir tous les commentaires (13 commentaires client)
  • Classement des meilleures ventes d'Amazon: n°27.623 dans la Boutique Kindle (Voir le Top 100 dans la Boutique Kindle)
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Commentaires en ligne

4.7 étoiles sur 5
4.7 étoiles sur 5
Commentaires client les plus utiles
6 internautes sur 6 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 un must 21 novembre 2007
Par chloé
J'ai adoré ce livre, en j'en ai lu beaucoup, et même écrit sur ce sujet. Celui ci est tellement clair, illustré d'exemples que nous vivons tous. les dessins sont très parlants; Le livre que j'aurais aimé écrire tellement il me parle. Il intègre Gordon et dolto, Il est juste ! les auteures ont une grande expérience des enfants et des parents. Elles sortent des poncifs et énoncent des attitudes vraiment efficaces.
très pratique et concret, il donne des clefs vraiment utiles aux parents. Offrir des choix plutôt qu'imposer, Enoncer des faits plutôt que gronder... toutes sortes de ressources pour ne plus se battre avec ses enfants.
à lire absolument.
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5 internautes sur 5 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 l'éducation dans sa simplicité 24 janvier 2006
Ce livre est une vraie bible pour facilité la communication parfois difficile avec les enfants. Tout ce qui est dit est simple et très facile à appliquer et ce, quelque soit l'age de l'enfant. Je le recommande à tous les parents qui se soucis du bien être de leur progéniture et de l'apprentissage de la discipline dans la douceur et le respect de l'autre, sans cris, sans pleurs, juste avec de simples mots. Ce livre vous suivra jusqu'au dela de l'adolescence !
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2 internautes sur 2 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
4.0 étoiles sur 5 Clair, pragmatique et efficace 7 octobre 2011
Par Clapman
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
Ce livre donne les clés d'une communication simple et réussie entre adultes et enfants (des enfants en bas âge aux adolescents). Il part de principes simples et désormais connus (éviter de stigmatiser, encourager la coopération, reconnaître et accepter les sentiments de son enfants, écouter activement...) et fournit de nombreux exemples (souvent illustrés par des saynètes en bande dessinée) et des exercices. Un livre facile à lire (pour ceux qui comprennent l'anglais) et qui permet de se faciliter la vie avec ses enfants. Evidemment ce n'est pas la panacée et il ne supprimera pas d'un coup de baguette magique toutes les tensions, mais il améliore simplement et rapidement le dialogue, dans le respect et la confiance de l'autre.
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2 internautes sur 2 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 great to keep you sane as a young parent 26 août 2010
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
As some one who seeks to avoid conlict as much as possible, I was afraid that parenting was beginning to bring out bits of me I didn't know existed.
As much as anything I have been reassured by this book that parenting is tough, you have to make an effort to control your reactions and yet you don't have to resort to humiliating "punishment" in the corner. YEAH!!!
I constantly have the techniques popping up in my head when my daughter's pushing the buttons, and very rarely have to raise my voice. Granted she's only 18 months, but start as you mean to go on.
I'm not sure these "discipline en douceur" techniques could be introduced with an already terrible teenager, but it's sure worth a try rather than screaming the house down. I'm glad I started early and hope to avoid shouting matches with my kids as much as possible.
Very enjoyable, eye-opening and reassuring read.
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1 internautes sur 1 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
4.0 étoiles sur 5 lots of good pointers 5 mai 2010
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
This book is well thought out and offers a lot of anecdotes that help parents realize they're not alone in dealing with some of the problems that come up when raising children. While the book targets parents of younger children, some of the pointers are applicable to those of us with young teens. The book also helped reinforce that a lot of what I'm doing is "right."

I have made some changes based on suggestions in the book, but realize it takes a lot of work really to alter habits and the way I interact with my children. I believe that taking on board the advice in this book will result in a more loving and open child-parent relationship.

I did find the book a bit redundant and I felt that some of the exercises were a bit silly, which is why I'm giving it 4 stars instead of 5, but I do recommend this book for any parent looking for ways to build a better relationship with his/her child.
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5.0 étoiles sur 5 Fantastic Handbook for parents and social workers 16 novembre 2014
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
I've read this book after "siblings without rivalry". I think it's better to begin with "How to talk..." because it explains all the basis of this educational style even if "siblings without rivalry" is well explained. I've read this book as a parent of two young children and also as a developmental psychologist. It's really well written and I love the educational style and all the advices. It offers great help to everyday problems and this approach can enrich you as a person but also as a professionnal social worker. It's a must read!
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3.0 étoiles sur 5 Une autre approche de l'éducation 30 juin 2014
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
La théorie est intéressante même si au fil des pages, je me suis un peu désintéressée du livre. En effet, autant le début permet d'envisager l'éducation différemment, autant au fur et à mesure des chapitres, il me semble que l'approche est un peu trop centré sur l'enfant au détriment de la cellule familiale.
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