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Is He Mr. Right?: Everything You Need to Know Before You Commit [Format Kindle]

Mira Kirshenbaum

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Descriptions du produit

Extrait

Essentials



Looking into Your Future

At any point between your first date and your wedding night, your heart can be gripped by the question, Is this guy my dreamboat or my Titanic? The man I was always meant to be with or a big fat waste of time? A keeper or a loser?

Wouldn’t it be great if you could look into a crystal ball and know, like, today, “Will this guy make me happy? Is this love that will last? Or, if I keep going forward with him, am I just settling? Is there someone else out there who’s even better for me—I wouldn’t want to miss out on the love of my life! Or is this guy Mr. Right?”

There are two possibilities:

1.He might have great qualities and love you, but he’s just not the one. He won’t make you happy. If you commit to him, things will turn out badly. So you’ve got to say good-bye, shed a tear, and move on to someone better.

2.Even if your guy is a gap-toothed goofball, he’s your gap-toothed goofball. Somehow his being the way he is and your being the way you are feels right and works well. He will make you happy. And if you commit, you will have a great future together. So—you’ve got to move forward with him.

But which is true for you?

Figuring this out can easily make the smartest woman feel stupid. Your guy, of course, is a mixed bag. As far as you can tell, he’s not Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong. He’s Mr. Maybe. They say you can’t compare apples and oranges—well, he’s Carmen Miranda’s whole hat, and how do you add up a hatful of different fruit?

Kelly, 31, said, “Okay, let’s see. In favor of his being Mr. Right is the fact that we both like barbecues, baseball, and big dogs. We both hate to get up in the morning or go to sleep at night. We both went to John F. Kennedy Middle School, although in different cities! In favor of his being Mr. Wrong is the fact that we fight a lot over stupid things. I want three kids; he’s not sure he wants one. We rarely want to make love at the same time. We get on each other’s nerves when we’re both in the kitchen.”

Sigh. . . . If only relationships weren’t so confusing. And the early stages are the most confusing. Fears are churning. Hopes are peeping through like crocuses through the snow. Worst of all, solid information is hard to get. When friends ask how we feel about him, we respond with a stir-fry of contradictory feelings. All we know is that we’re searching for certainty, but we’re not sure how to find it. There’s so little to go on. He seems nice, but is he really Hannibal Lecter in sheep’s clothing? He seems distant—is he cold or is he just shy?

Even when you do grab hold of a clue, it can be hard to know what it means. Let’s say you’re a real beach bunny. Then you discover that your guy hates the beach. What do you do? Your friends have opinions (“But he makes so much money!” “But you live for the beach!”). Will he come around? you wonder. Will you get tired of the beach? (Never!) Will you find a way to work around this? Will it drive a wedge between you?

The Fork in the Road

Almost any woman in a developing relationship is hungry for certainty these days. Take Laura, 33. She’d been sitting next to me while we were waiting to board a plane. They’d announced a delay. Since we were going to be there for God knows how long, we started chatting.

She said she was at that stage where it was starting to feel like she and her boyfriend, Jack, should talk about making some kind of commitment. Maybe to move in together. “But I’m afraid Jack isn’t right for me,” Laura said with a queasy look I’ve seen thousands of times, a look you see on the faces of first-time skydivers. “We’ve gone out for five months and had lots of those phone calls where you talk for hours about everything and nothing. That’s the good part.”

Laura leaned toward me. “But I’m not nuts about Jack. I care about him, but shouldn’t I be feeling I’m crazy about him at this point? Something’s missing—I just don’t know what. Magic or something. But what am I, a teenager? Do you need magic and bells and birds singing? I’m afraid I have unrealistic expectations. He’s good. We’re good together. He got me a promise ring.” Laura was silent for a minute. “But what if this is something I’m just telling myself because, let’s face it, I want to get married? I’m at a real fork in the road. If Jack and I aren’t right for each other, I’d get out now if I were smart. Right?

“Wouldn’t it be great if there were a way to just not care about the guy until he was totally in love with you and you’d totally checked him out? But women don’t work that way, do we? We put our heart on the line and . . . I don’t know—the whole thing makes you so vulnerable and I hate that. I mean, I really like falling in love, but I don’t like the feeling that the whole thing is so iffy.”

The Search for Certainty

Developing relationships are confusing, but we do our best. It gets frustrating when the things we do to gain certainty only make us more confused.

We’ve tried asking ourselves, “Do I love him?” After all, shouldn’t you just know? And if you do know, shouldn’t it make a difference? But after you roll this around in your head for a while . . . it’s so complicated. Sure, you love him, but the more you think about it, the less clear you are about what the word love even means. That you’re hot for him? That you have “feelings” for him? That you think about him a lot? That you miss the good things about him when he’s not around? (And what good does that do, if when he is around he drives you crazy?)

Let’s face it, thinking about love can be a very confusing way to figure out if he’s Mr. Right. Just think about some of the losers you’ve loved in the past.

Another thing we’ve tried is endlessly analyzing every detail about him and about the relationship. What’s up with his staring at you the way he does when you kiss or make love? What’s that whistling sound in his left nostril, and will it make you want to kill him one day? Why is it that every time the two of you get really close you end up having a fight?

It’s like trying to read tea leaves, except you’re looking for that one tiny tea leaf that tells all. But so far all you’ve gotten is a soggy mess of confusion.

The guy speaks: “I hate it when a woman goes on and on analyzing every detail of our relationship. It’s so discouraging, and honestly it makes me feel she doesn’t like me. I just keep feeling, if we were happy together, if we were meant to be, would we need to do all this overanalyzing?”*

*From time to time you’ll get comments from the guy’s point of view. These are taken from what the men I interviewed told me.

We’ve also tried endlessly analyzing our own motives. Why do you want to be with him? Is it low self-esteem? Pressure from family and friends? Fear you can’t do better? The problem is that if you lift up the top of your head, you find a whole jungle of motives in there, and how do you sort them out?

And of course we’ve tried searching for compatibility. You know, if you like dogs, it would be nice to be with someone who also likes dogs. The problem is that there may have been plenty of times when you found a guy who shared your values and tastes and yet you just didn’t connect at all. As it turns out, compatibility isn’t really much to go on when it comes to seeing if someone’s your Mr. Right.

What this adds up to is that you’ve been searching, searching, searching for a sign, like a safecracker turning the combination lock, turning, turning, hoping that suddenly the tumblers will fall into place and pop, the door will open. Maybe you’ll have that one perfect day with your guy that answers all your questions. Maybe you’ll have that one awful fight that shows you what a snake he really is. But you haven’t found that sign yet. And now you’re starting to wonder if it’s ever going to show up. It’s scary. What if you drift forever, never knowing?

And so you get stuck in ambivalence. Limbo. You drift. Maybe, you wonder, if you just stop thinking, just go with the flow, clarity will come to you. But of course clarity doesn’t come this way. Drifting is what comes from drifting. It’s like a narcotic—it’s hard to break the habit.

The truth is that wasting time up in the air feels miserable. It drains your energy and your emotions. And it can lead to trouble. You can drift into a committed relationship you never really wanted. You can drift out of a relationship with a guy you’ll later realize was Mr. Right.

But what if we’ve been going about this all wrong? Sure, your guy is a mixed bag, but what if we’ve been looking at the wrong things in trying to figure out if he is Mr. Right? That would be huge. It would explain why we’ve been so stuck in the search for certainty.

What if there were a way to look at your guy right now that will show you what your future together will look like? There is. Stay tuned.

Oops, Wrong Guy

Certainty is something we desperately need. The fact that we often don’t know what’s important to look at before we commit can cause us a lot of problems in our lives. Let me get personal. It caused me a lot of pr...

Revue de presse

“An extremely helpful and insightful guide for avoiding a lot of relationship pitfalls written in a very accessible, conversational style.” —Susan Forward, author of Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them

“Full of simple ways of checking in about the newest guy, Is He Mr. Right? speaks to every woman who is struggling with relationships . . . Kirshenbaum walks the reader step-by-step through understanding themselves and decision-making processes about such an important area of life. . . . Read this book and it’ll be a lot easier to figure out if he is Mr. Right. And every woman out there deserves to find Mr. Right.” —Dr. Dorothy Firman, coauthor with her mother, Julie Firman, of Daughters and Mothers: Making It Work and the New York Times bestselling Chicken Soup for the Mother and Daughter Soul

“Explains in a highly entertaining way what creates the essential chemistry in a healthy relationship. A valuable read, indeed.” —Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., author of The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love and Life Is Huge!

“A very wise, very practical, and very accessible book to help people find the love and relationship they want and need. This book will really help women who are at important decision-making crossroads about their relationship.” —Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Finding Your Perfect Match

Détails sur le produit

  • Format : Format Kindle
  • Taille du fichier : 228 KB
  • Nombre de pages de l'édition imprimée : 272 pages
  • Pagination - ISBN de l'édition imprimée de référence : 0307336735
  • Editeur : Harmony (23 mai 2006)
  • Vendu par : Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Langue : Anglais
  • ASIN: B000GCFWPK
  • Synthèse vocale : Activée
  • X-Ray :
  • Word Wise: Non activé
  • Classement des meilleures ventes d'Amazon: n°319.961 dans la Boutique Kindle (Voir le Top 100 dans la Boutique Kindle)
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Commentaires client les plus utiles sur Amazon.com (beta)
Amazon.com: 4.6 étoiles sur 5  37 commentaires
26 internautes sur 27 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 EVERY woman needs to read this book! 5 juin 2006
Par Walter - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié
This book is so brilliant, so accurate and so "point on" it should be required reading for every woman on the planet. I wish this book had been available years ago!! I can't say enough good things about it - if you are a human breathing air, you need to read this book. After leaving a long term relationship I've recently begun dating again, and this book has given me newfound clarity, knowledge and strength. It also already saved me from getting entangled with someone who was clearly "not over the ex" but with whom I connected.... Thanks to Mira's book and her 5 elements of chemistry, I was able to easily see my way out of that situation.

PLEASE, buy this book for yourself, for your friends, for your sisters, aunts, daughters, etc. It is truly a life saver, and truly a heart saver.
20 internautes sur 20 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 What every person - man or woman - should know before they commit to each other 1 janvier 2007
Par Ms. Margaret-ann Coleman - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié
I can see now why I've had so many problems in all my past relationships - I didn't know what ingredients made for a good, long-lasting relationship.

I pondered this question in my teens and married my first husband based on compatibility. But we didn't have chemistry.

Very importantly, I've been relieved of another myth that "chemistry is the physical/sexual attraction" and that it is all you need. I've had that fantastic sexual chemistry but the safety dimension of chemistry was missing and the relationship didn't survive.

Equally as important, I've been relieved of another myth, "that there is just one person out there for each of us". Because we can have chemistry with many potential partners, the hope that I will meet someone who is right for me has been rekindled.

I wish I had this information at the start of my dating and I would have done things differently!

I want to thank Mira for writing this book and sharing her knowledge of what ingredients make a healthy loving relationship with the rest of us. Her work is a true gift on the planet.

Thank you.

Margaret-Ann, Melbourne.
19 internautes sur 19 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Very enlightening 26 octobre 2006
Par C.Q.T.Q - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié
I read her other book, "Too good to Leave..." first and I was a little confused. It was more for married situations, but this one really hit the spot. It made me realize I shouldn't settle. Very easy to read and at times comical. If you are going from relationship to relationship or can't figure out what to do about the one you're in... this book will help.
18 internautes sur 18 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Guys -- this is great if you're straight! 10 juillet 2007
Par Jeff from Denver - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié
Okay, I'm a straight guy and I don't usually read self-help books. But my sister told me I gotta read this cause, let's face it, my relationships haven't worked out and now I'm getting serious about this woman. My sister just didn't want me to make another mistake. And I'm like, hey, I'm not looking for Mr. Right. She said, stupid, just change the genders -- it works just as well the other way. I have to say the book was amazing. Touched on every area I had concerns about -- like was she an OK person, and was our chemistry good, and was it real or fake. Kirshenbaum is so solid and smart and down to earth. If your a guy looking for Ms. right and you're afraid of getting burned, you've got to get your hands on this book. It's a lot cheaper and a lot more fun than ultimately getting divorced.
16 internautes sur 16 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Definitely should be read by gay men 24 janvier 2007
Par KA - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié
Here's the short of it. I know a lot guys who could benefit from this book. A couple of years ago I got involved with the wrong guy. A guy who was partnered. Well needless to say I learned many lessons. My self-respect was clearly absent during this time but the humiliation did me a lot of good. I slowly made my way back to the dating world. I had been pinballing from guy to guy over the last 7-8 years when my first serious relationship ended after 6 years. One of the things I noticed was that all the other guys I dated these last handful of years, I didn't really feel anything for them but they felt something for me. I thought I could make up the difference. Well let me tell you something, you can't. In my 1st relationship I definitely felt something and we had a good run and parted amicably but all these other guys, I really didn't feel enough of anything and they were great guys! I think part of what was going on was that I needed to...grow up. I have learned the hard way NOT to enter into a relationship that is based on fear. I wasn't being very selective and I have learned that I really should be selective. I can be picky but not choosy. Takes more time than you think but I feel now I am on my own journey and I am finally having fun.

And lo and behold, I find this book. I thought it would be a light read but man it was far better than I thought it would be. All the mistakes she points that people make like not paying attention to chemistry, I have made a lot of them. It was refreshing to see in print what I had arrived at these last couple of years. If anything, this book cements my resolve to base any future relationship I have on nothing but proactive self-respect and love. I am so very glad that I am single in my late 30's and finally at east with it. In my own opiniong I think men, especially gay men, make better relationship candidates in their late 30's and into their 40's. I finally feel like I'm ready.

The author provides in this book confident agreement with what many of us think but are afraid to act on. I'm not afraid any more and with this book, the author gives a nice kick in that pants. It's like having that wise aunt that tells you like it is but with nothing but love.

I can't say enough about this book -- good stuff!
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