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It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy [Anglais] [Broché]

Greg Behrendt , Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt
4.0 étoiles sur 5  Voir tous les commentaires (1 commentaire client)
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It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy + He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys + Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
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Descriptions du produit

Extrait

Chapter One

IT’S CALLED A BREAKUP BECAUSE IT’S BROKEN

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAHHHHHHH! F*#k, it hurts. It’s rocking the very core of your being. You never saw it com­ing. You knew this was going to happen. You were going to do it first. You only broke it off with him before he broke it off with you. You guys were supposed to be together forever. You never liked him that much anyway. He was such a great kisser. The sex wasn’t that great. You really liked his family. He hated your friends. You hated his shoes. You miss him soooooo much. There’s no doubt about it–breakups suck. And now here you are holding this stupid “Breakup Book” because, quite honestly, you’d do anything not to feel like this and maybe this book will shed some light on what you’re going through. Maybe you’ll get some sleep tonight. Or stop sleeping all the time.

In these first few hours or days or weeks of your breakup, there’s one all-important truth that you need to recognize: Some things can’t and shouldn’t be fixed, especially that loser who dumped you or forced you to dump him. It’s over for a reason, and even if you’re in denial about it, deep down inside you prob­ably know what that reason is. Even if you feel baffled by his decision to end it, it boils down to the same thing every time: Your relationship, despite its promise, has ceased to be right for one or both of you. It is, in effect, broken. That doesn’t make the breakup any easier to handle or change the overwhelming nature of the sadness that you feel. But that sadness, in turn, doesn’t make it less broken. If you’ve reached this point, where one or both of you feel that walking away is the best course of action, the cracks are there. And starting today, you’re not the kind of woman who settles for broken or hangs on to damaged goods, be it a radio, a pair of shoes, or a relationship. Your life is not a yard sale. It’s time to get rid of all the broken stuff that you’ve been lugging around for days, months, and maybe even years, and make the bold decision to start looking for stuff that works. The bright, clean, simple, easy, runs-so-smoothly-I-don’t-even-have-to-think-about-it kind of works. Being the first one to recognize that a relationship isn’t a match doesn’t win you any great prize–just the guilt of having to hurt someone’s feelings. So even though you are clearly wounded, getting out of this bro­ken relationship is the best thing possible, even if you didn’t know it was broken until now.

“But some things can be fixed,”you say. True, but can your rela­tionship be fixed? Anything is possible, but we’d say probably not. Generally, if one person thinks that the breakup is the right move, they’re probably right even if it feels so wrong. Because unless there are two people putting on the coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn’t going to happen. Need more convincing? How about this: The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, “No, thanks. I’ll try my luck elsewhere.” Or you said it to him. Either way, that alone should make you realize that it wasn’t a match made in heaven and they’re not worth donning coveralls for. Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

Right now, your mind is probably working overtime to come up with all the reasons that you should still be together. Your heart is hurting and your mind wants to find a way to undo the pain. Just remember, though, that any reasons you come up with are ultimately irrelevant. The harsh reality is that even if you have everything else in common, the one thing you don’t have in common is the belief that this relationship can work. That, my friend, trumps your shared love of puppies, The Dave Matthews Band, and Mexican food.

It’s hard not to rack your brain, searching for reasons why the two of you couldn’t make it work, but sometimes the only real answer is the simplest one: People come together and move apart. It’s the age-old ebb and flow of relationships. Some are shorter journeys, and others were meant for a lifetime. That goes for friendships as well. We become attached to what’s familiar and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable even if they’re bad for us. A lot of the pain you are experiencing right now is actually fear. Fear of things being different than how you liked them, fear of never finding another love, fear of being alone, fear of having to fill your time differently. We’re afraid of the unknown. The answer to all the questions swirling in your head– What will I do on weekends? Will I meet someone else?–is “You won’t know until you get there.” That’s hard, and it’s scary. But for the moment, you need to concentrate on what you do know–that you and he no longer share the belief that your rela­tionship has a future. It’s broken, and the longer you stay stuck in a dead-end relationship or spend your days mourning one, the less time you get on this planet to experience a great one.

So take a deep breath, steel yourself, and realize that this is going to hurt for a while. There is no quick remedy for the pow­erful sting of heartbreak, though we’re going to try to make it easier for you throughout the book. You’re going to feel like crap head to toe and run the gamut of emotions. Edgy, moody, angry, depressed, nauseated–you name it. In fact, the amount of time it takes for you to start feeling great about yourself again is directly proportional to how much it sucks right now–especially if you weren’t the one who broke it off. Because at the end of the day, someone you loved, trusted, and valued has rejected you, and that really smarts. It’s hard to not take it personally. But– and here’s the important part–the fact of the matter is, they’re wrong about you. Just because your relationship is broken doesn’t mean you are! No matter what happened between you, no mat­ter what you may or may not have done wrong, you are still a kick-ass person. And even though you might not believe it right now, this breakup is the first step toward finding someone truly worthy of your greatness.

But Greg, I’ve Got Questions

But how can a relationship just break with no warning?

Dear Greg,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have always had the perfect relationship. We moved in together last year and he started talking about getting mar­ried, having kids, the whole deal. He even took me to look at engagement rings a few weeks before Christmas, so naturally I assumed what would be under the Christmas tree for me. Since I thought I was getting an engagement ring, I maxed out my credit card to buy him a plasma TV for Christmas. Well, Christmas morning comes and he was shocked when he opened the plasma TV. But that was nothing compared to the shock when I opened his gift–a cashmere sweater and a necklace! What? Then, the next day, he tells me he’s not sure “I’m the one” and he thinks I should move out and we should take a break so he can figure some things out!! Now he’s got the apartment and the plasma TV that I’ll be paying off for the rest of my life. I’ve tried to remind him of how good we were together and that getting married was his idea, but he just keeps apologizing and telling me he needs time apart. How can somebody go from wanting to marry you to not even wanting to talk to you for no reason? What can I do to make him realize that we should be together?

Please write back.

Marla


Dear Plasma Giver,

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married. (My grandmother used to say that.) A lot of men think once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend. Sounds like your boy-friend’s one of them. The truth is that if he’s going to come to the conclusion that you guys should be together, he’s going do it on his own. There’s nothing you can do to make him want to be with you, and more important, want to marry you. One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes rela­tionships just end, often without reason. I truly believe that some­times both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning. What blows even more is that you were completely blindsided–even though the relationship was bro­ken on his end, he had clearly led you to believe you were in the same place emotionally. What a shitty new reality for you to get your head around now. But the sooner you do, the sooner you can get your head around this great new thought: HEY, SUPERFOX, YOU ARE HEADED SOMEWHERE FABULOUS AND THERE ARE GREAT POSSIBILITIES AHEAD. You should also let him know that the proper etiquette is that if a girl breaks off an engagement she should give back the ring. If a man breaks up with you, he should give back the TV.


But why didn’t he just break up with me instead of making me do it?

Dear Greg,

I’ve been seeing this guy for about eight months. At first we were just hooking up, but then we started really dat­ing, exclusively. We were practically living at each other’s houses, rarely spending even one night apart. He even gave me a drawer at his place and a toothbrush! So a few weeks ago he started acting weird, and I asked if something was wrong. He said that things had moved along faster than he’d anticipated, and that even though it freaked him out, he was really happy with the way things were going and cared about me more than he’d expected to. I thought, Great! Then he’s suddenly too tired to come over or has to get up early the next day so he doesn’t think I should spend the night. So we went back to only seeing each other a few nights a week. Not great. When he got really distant, I knew something was up, so I checked his e-mails on his Sidekick when he was in the bathroom. It was clear from all the e-mails between him and TamiLynn78 that he’d been seeing someone else. So I confronted him about it and he didn’t deny it, so I told him we were O.V.E.R. and stormed out of his apartment. Now, this is the part where he was sup­posed to come running after me–but he didn’t! He just let me go, and I haven’t heard from him since. What’s up with that? I really want him to want me back and feel remorse for hurting me. Is that too much to ask?

Linda

Dear Yes It Is Too Much to Ask,

First of all, I think it’s great you checked his e-mails instead of talking to him. Sounds like you had a great, open, trusting rela­tionship in which you dug around in his personal business while he cheated on you. Why did it have to end? I’m going to say this and it’s going to suck (but understand where I’m coming from). He broke up with you months ago and let you do the dirty work. It’s a weird, passive-aggressive trick that men have perfected for cen­turies. Chances are he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, so he behaved in a way that would make you break up with him. I call this the “Backhanded Breakup.” Men (and women) have done it for years. Not only that, but he had an escape plan involving another bed to crash on. What a scumbag! I’m sure he’s getting right on that remorse you were hoping for. The only thing he has done right is not contact you. You should gladly accept this radio silence because your relationship has been broken for a while, and get on with your grieving because you are moving on to something better.


But how do you know we’re not going to get back together?

Dear Greg,

My boyfriend of three years and I decided to move in together about a month ago. In fact, it was his idea. Since he had the bigger place, we agreed that I’d let go of my apartment and move in with him. Everything was perfect– we repainted in colors that we both liked and started fig­uring out what pieces of furniture we’d keep when we merged our stuff. Then, the day before I’m supposed to move, after I’ve already given notice at my apartment and it’s been rented, he tells me that he’s done some thinking and that I’m not “the one.” He thinks that living together is a mistake and a waste of time for the both of us because it only delays us “finding our destinies.” He’s an amazing person that I can’t imagine living without, and I know that if he’s given a little more time he’ll realize that we are each other’s destiny. Great guys aren’t a dime a dozen. And he obviously has really strong feelings for me if he wanted us to live together a few weeks ago! Don’t you think I should be patient with him if I really believe that we’re meant to be together?

Clarissa

Dear Destiny’s Child,

Maybe you huffed too many paint fumes, but he said the words you are “not the one.” That’s pretty conclusive as far as these things go, and despite the really awful timing, you’ve got to admire the guy’s honesty. He did it to save you both more time and pain down the line. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to enjoy it, but you do need to hear it. I know this hurts like a motherf*#ker, but it’s going to keep hurting if you don’t accept that it’s over. Plus he used the word “destiny.” What kind of New Age bullshit is that? People like to think they can control their destiny, but I think des­tiny is listening and seeing what’s really happening and then mak­ing the smart, albeit sometimes painful, decision to move forward without another person. If you guys are meant to be together, I’m sure his third eye will let him know and then he’ll surely move mountains to win you back. But I know for a fact that waiting for someone who may not be coming and being in pain are not your destiny. So realize that it’s called a breakup because it’s broken– and move on.



From the Hardcover edition. --Ce texte fait référence à l'édition Broché .

Revue de presse

“You will get through this, and you’ll do it faster with the help of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.” —Glamour

“Insightful, been-there-have-the-scars-to-prove-it wisdom.” —New York Post

--Ce texte fait référence à l'édition Broché .

Détails sur le produit

  • Broché: 288 pages
  • Editeur : Harper Element (9 juin 2006)
  • Langue : Anglais
  • ISBN-10: 0007225180
  • ISBN-13: 978-0007225187
  • Dimensions du produit: 12,8 x 2,7 x 19,8 cm
  • Moyenne des commentaires client : 4.0 étoiles sur 5  Voir tous les commentaires (1 commentaire client)
  • Classement des meilleures ventes d'Amazon: 72.061 en Livres anglais et étrangers (Voir les 100 premiers en Livres anglais et étrangers)
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1 internautes sur 1 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Par Cui Jie
Format:Broché
I am still in a hard breakup period, and i was seeking all the way to help me out... and by chance I got information about this book and i bought it.
The frist most important feeling i got by reading it is that I am NOT alone, i am NOT the only person who is getting through this awful,scared,torturous,traumatic heartbroken.And thousands of people have been there where i am.Anyway, This book is like a friend who totally understand u and is able to comfort u when u r in these such hopeless moments. of course, it's not "panacea" but it's helpful.
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Amazon.com: 4.6 étoiles sur 5  417 commentaires
90 internautes sur 93 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 A breakup bible! 6 octobre 2005
Par Mom of Sons - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié
I really wish this book had been around when I was in my 20s and making all the mistakes Behrendt outlines in gory and humorous detail here! Such as: Don't EVER phone your ex, especially not when you are at your worst, i.e., sloppy drunk and desperate at 2 a.m. Advice in the book, which runs along the lines of "Hey, this is such a sucky relationship, so why are you hanging on to it so tightly?" is clear, logical and empowering!
168 internautes sur 180 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
3.0 étoiles sur 5 He's Just Not That Into You, Part Deux 10 octobre 2005
Par S. Dominy - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié|Achat vérifié
I think Greg has great intentions with his book, but it's so similar to his first book, same set-up and style. Don't get me wrong, I think he does a great service esp for us women because we're too understanding, too nice, or whatever the case may be. I thought his first book was a God-send, but this one was kind of more of the same stuff. I don't discount his advice, but there's something missing; there's no positive focus on when it might be right to work it out or why it's important and healthy to want to talk things out. A person is not weak for wanting to understand "what happened." It's when someone goes overboard and won't let go, and I realize that is probably the emotional starting point for this book.

I realize, from my own recent experience, that some people (not just men) can be present during the course of a breakup and there are those who simply check out and run away. Greg seems to focus on just that one type of person. And so I think his advice is on target when it comes to the emotionally spineless person who runs from a breakup; the kind who sends all kinds of mixed signals and then blindsides the person who is in love with them. It happened to me, and I understand the pain of that kind of breakup. I tried to talk to my boyfriend and he wouldn't see me or talk to me. It was the shock of my life; I never saw it coming, truly. If I have anything to pass on, it is important to hold yourself in as much dignity as possible; but don't beat yourself up if you email him or call; you're human and you are hurt and it is natural and healthy to want to understand what happened, esp if you never saw it coming.

Again, I'm not discounting the advice Greg gives here; I just found it to be more of the same stuff from his first book.

But the best advice is to remember that you are a superfox and don't waste the pretty. For those of you hurting, you are not alone; it sucks; you will get over it, it just takes time and that's the hard part, and I know you want to know so badly what he (or she) is thinking. And when that person refuses to be present or emotionally available that's a whole other level of rejection to deal with.

This too shall pass, and there is someone out there who will see you for the awesome person you are. Greg is right on that one. Focus your energy on that reality, and slowly you'll forget the nightmare you just went through. The more you can focus on attracting the love you deserve, and giving your attention to that, the more you will see your break up was probably a blessing. Time moves slowly for the brokenhearted ... I know.
80 internautes sur 92 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 GREAT BOOK FOR GETTING OVER BREAKING UP 21 décembre 2005
Par Lisa E. - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié|Achat vérifié
Before I review this book...I would like to get a major pet peeve off my chest. I read some of the reviews before I started writing this and came across a review where the person had not read the whole book yet wrote a review. I would like to say that a review is where you read the WHOLE BOOK and then criticize it all you like...not read it halfway through and feel that writing a review is credible. It is not. The point of a review is to offer up your point of view which is not possible if you haven't read the whole book.

Now that I have said that...I thought this book was terrific. Whether you dislike Greg using the word Superfox or not...the book was insightful, funny, compassionate and didn't offer the same platitudes or psychobabble that one encounters in other books of this genre.

Greg and Amiira did not write this book from some lofty ivory tower. They have been in the trenches like a lot uf us. Greg drank and chased after his ex until he finally saw the light at the end of a very long tunnel and got into AA.

Amiira was married and while not as destructive as Greg...her pain, misery [and sleepless nights] are nearly as poignant as Greg's.

I have read this book three times and found something new to hold on to each time I read it.

Some of the elements I particularly liked in this book start with the questions to Greg and his answers...sometimes tart ["how about pretending not to be completey crazy" he says to one woman in the throes of...well..acting completely crazy] were always enlightening.

I also enjoyed "The Best Worst News", and "What I Did Wrong" where Greg and Amiira share...what they did wrong.

"Psycho Confessionals" was actually great fun to read because while a lot of us have gone off the deep end when we are going through a break up...not all of us have gone to the extent some of these women have. I have offered up a silent prayer of thanks that while I thought I might go nuts...I never showed up at his door acting like it.

One very smart idea that Greg and Amiira came up with was after giving advice on what you should do in the recovery proces... and while you are in the midst of moaning to yourself that you can't possibly do that...they offer up "How The Hell Am I Supposed To Do That" because they understand exactly how hard it is.

My story ends a little differently because my boyfriend and I actually got back together. But here is where the book is a treasure for another reason. Instead of spending my time when I am not with my boyfriend...obsessing about my boyfriend [something I have done in every past relationship] I am using all the breakup rules they have as if we had really broken up and have re-connected with old friends...started exercising again and am completely re-organizing my life...all off which had fallen completely by the wayside as my concentration was centered around him.

If my boyfriend and I had not gotten back together...I would have been able to handle it without going completely to pieces [after I initially went completely to pieces] and the fact that we have gotten back together...I am now handling the relationship and my life differently...thanks to this book.

In my opinion...this is the definitive book on breaking up and I would like to thank both Greg and Amiira for helping me tremendously both during during the break up and how I have handled myself since.

So to my surprise...this book actually works on more then one level.
26 internautes sur 31 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Break-up means that you have broken FREE of baggage 12 juin 2006
Par Lola Jovita - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié
FACE IT: It was never going to work ... and better it broke up off before it ended up a doomed marriage or more wasted years. You are with you 24/7 and only YOU can make you happy. Romantic relationships, if they don't enhance your life, are a drain to enjoying the most joy possible. Life is full of inevitable tragedy - death and taxes - optional suffering is NOT required. Breaking up means breaking free of baggage and entanglements that are overwhelmingly hard to break away from if a dead-end duo go on for too long.

Remember - romantic love is emotional cocaine - and what you are really feeling is withdrawal symptoms. Get excercise, eat really well, seek professional help if neccessary, and most of all ... LET GO of the fantasy that any other way than how it happened would have been happier. Live in reality ... and life is going to be a much easier experience. Have fun with your friends!
8 internautes sur 8 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
2.0 étoiles sur 5 Not very helpful 15 septembre 2007
Par travel addict - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché
After mutually agreeing to break up after 4 1/2 years I was still very sad and looking for something to help. This book wasn't it.

Whilst I like the fact that they try to get you to think positively about yourself, the "superfox" term is outdated annoying and distracting.

It covers questions or feelings you may have, but the "you thought your break up was bad" sections aren't very positive. I found myself not wanting to read them because I want encouragement, not stories of other peoples nightmares that could happen to anyone.

I have found other books helpful and I will keep them or give them to friends in need, this book will be donated to my local library. Hopefully someone else (maybe younger than mid-thirties) will find it helpful or insightful. I did not.
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