He's Just Not That Into You (The Newly Expanded Edition): The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys (Anglais) Relié – 26 décembre 2006
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Descriptions du produit
he’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out
Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out
Many women have said to me, “Greg, men run the world.” Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we’re “too shy” or we “just got out of something.” Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don’t think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.
Now you begin the life-changing experience of reading our book. We have put the stories we have heard and questions we’ve been asked in a simple question-and-answer format. If you’re lucky, you’ll read the following questions and know what they are: Excuses that women have made for their unsatisfying situations. If you’re not so lucky, we’ve also included handy titles to clue you in.
The “Maybe He Doesn’t Want to Ruin the Friendship” Excuse
I’m so disappointed. I have this friend that I’ve known platonically for about ten years. He lives in a different city and recently he was in town for work, so we met for dinner. All of a sudden it felt like we were on a date. He was completely flirting with me. He even said to me, as he was checking me out, “So, what, you’re working the whole ‘model thing’ now?” (That’s flirting, right?) We both agreed that we should get together again soon. Well, Greg, I’m disappointed because it’s been two weeks and he hasn’t called me. Can I call him? He might be nervous about turning the friendship into romance. Can’t I give him a nudge now? Isn’t that what friends are for?
FROM THE DESK OF GREG
Dear Friendly Girl,
Two weeks is two weeks, except when it’s ten years and two weeks. That’s how long ago he decided whether or not he could date a model or a girl who looks like one. Can you be a pal and give him a nudge? Nudge away, friendster—but watch how fast that nudge doesn’t get a return phone call. And if your dinner/date did feel different to him, it’s been two weeks and he’s had time to think about it and decide he’s just not that into you. Here’s the truth: Guys don’t mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a “fuck buddy” situation or a meaningful romance. Go find someone that lives in your zip code who will be rocked to the core by your deep conversation and model looks.
I hate to tell you, but that whole “I don’t want to ruin the friendship” excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we’re really excited about someone, we can’t stop ourselves—we want more. If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further. And please, don’t tell me he’s just “scared.” The only thing he’s scared of—and I say this with a lot of love—is how not attracted to you he is.
The “Maybe He’s Intimidated by Me” Excuse
I have a crush on my gardener. He’s been potting the plants on my patio. It was hot, I saw him without his shirt on, he was hot, and now I’m hot for him. I brought out some beers and we talked. I think he wants to ask me out but is afraid, because he is my hired man. In this situation, can’t I ask him out?
FROM THE DESK OF GREG
Dear My Secret Garden,
He’s capable of asking you out. Haven’t you ever seen a porno? Hope he gets there before the pizza guy. But seriously, if he didn’t pick up the vibe after the beer garden, it has nothing to do with you being his big boss lady. Time to stop and smell the bad news: He’s just not that into you.
Let me say it again, sexual harassment rules and workplace memos notwithstanding, a guy will ask out a woman of higher status if he’s into her. He might need a little more encouragement than normal, I’ll give you that. You might have to lead Johnny the Office Boy or Phillipe the Exterminator to water, but you better not help him ask you out. Once again, ladies, a wink and a smile will do it.
By the way, why are you dating the exterminator?
Just kidding, he’s a good guy.
The “Maybe He Wants to Take It Slow” Excuse
There’s this guy who calls me all the time. He’s recently divorced, and in AA. We got back in touch recently, had lots of phone calls, and then hung out twice in one week and it was real cool. No flirting or making out or anything, but fun. Since then, he calls me all the time but doesn’t ever suggest we see each other in person again. It’s like he got scared or something. I would understand if because of the divorce/alcoholic/starting-a-whole-new-life stuff he wanted to take things slow. But he still calls me all the time to have long heart-to-heart talks. What the hell should I do with this guy?
FROM THE DESK OF GREG
Dear Pillow Talk,
Sadly, not wanting to see you in person is massive as far as dating obstacles go. And as far as the recently divorced/newly sober/starting-a-new-life parts, blah blah blah, I’m getting sleepy, it’s hot, I’m going down for a nap. When I wake up from that nap I’ll probably thrill to the news that your friend is taking control of his life. You, however, will still not be going on a date, because despite all your excuses for him, he’s still not asking you out. Now, if you’re a person who enjoys a slightly satisfying phone relationship, talk on! But at this point it seems like he’s just not that into you. Be his friend if you’re at all interested on that level, but move your romantic inclinations onto a more suitable future husband.
If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.
The “But He Gave Me His Number” Excuse
I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He gave me his number and told me to give him a call sometime. I thought that was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like that. I can call him, right?
FROM THE DESK OF GREG
Dear Control Freak,
Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to go out with you—or even return your call. Why don’t you take Copperfield’s number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make it disappear.
“Give me a call.” “E-mail me.” “Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime.” Don’t let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out.
The “Maybe He Forgot to Remember Me” Excuse
Okay, Greg. Listen to this one: I was at a conference for work and met a guy from another branch of my company. We hit it off immediately. He was just about to ask for my number, I swear, when the Big Blackout of 2003 happened. In the mayhem, I didn’t get to give him my number. I think the Big Blackout of 2003 is a good enough excuse to call him, don’t you think? It’s only common courtesy for me to check up on him, right? If I don’t call, he’s probably going to be all sad thinking that I’m just not that into him.
FROM THE DESK OF GREG
Dear Judy Blackout,
The city blacked out. He didn’t. You said you work for different branches of the same company. Certainly he wouldn’t have to break a sweat to scroll through the company staff roster or interoffice e-mail listing to find you. And should he not be as resourceful as you are . . . I imagine that he has a mother, sister, or female friend that could show him how, if he was really interested.
P.S.: Shame on you for using an eastern seaboard disaster as an excuse to call a guy up.
Have faith. You made an impression. Leave it at that. If he likes you, he’ll still remember you after the tsunami, flood, or Red Sox loss. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth your time. Know why? You are great. (Now, don’t get cocky.)
The “Maybe I Don’t Want to Play Games” Excuse
This is dumb. I know you’re not supposed to call guys, but I call guys all the time because I don’t care! I don’t want to play games. I do whatever I want! I’ve called guys tons of times. You’re such a square, Greg. Why do you think we can’t call guys and ask them out?
FROM THE DESK OF GREG
Because we don’t like it. Okay, some guys might like it, but they’re just lazy. And who wants to go out with Lazy Guy? It’s that simple. I didn’t make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please don’t be mad at me, Nikki. I’m not advocating that women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of human nature.
Or maybe you’re the chosen one.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children—sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn’t make men different.
IT’S SO SIMPLE
Imagine right now that I’m leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I’m on my knees pleading with you. I’m saying this in a loud voice: “Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.” I know it’s an infuriating concept—that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you’re one of the nine, ladies!) I can’t say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.
HERE’S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD, by Liz
Well, it’s obvious. Are you telling us that we have to just sit around and wait? I don’t know about you, but I find that infuriating. I was brought up to believe that hard work and good planning are the keys to making your dreams come true. I spent my life making things happen for myself. I worked hard for my career, and was quite aggressive about it. I called people, made appointments, asked for favors. I took action. But now Greg is telling us that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We’re just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. Why don’t you just tie my corset too tight so I can faint in front of some man who’ll scoop me out of the way just before the horse-drawn carriage runs over me? That’ll get his attention.
Really, in this day and age, the hardest thing to do for many women, particularly me, is nothing. We like to scheme, make phone calls, have a plan. And I’m talking about more than just making sure our hair doesn’t frizz. Most women who date, I would guess, don’t have men throwing themselves at them every night of the week. Sometimes there’s a long stretch during which nobody’s asking us out. So when we see a guy that we feel might be a romantic possibility, it’s even harder for us to take a backseat. That opportunity might not come back again for a long time.
But guess what: My way? Has sucked. Hasn’t worked at all. I’ve never had a successful relationship with a guy that I’ve pursued. I’m sure there are many stories out there to the contrary. But for me, those guys end up getting back together with their ex-girlfriend, needing to take some time for themselves, or going out of town for business. Usually it doesn’t even get that far. They usually just don’t ever return my phone call. And let me tell you, that didn’t make me feel very in control of anything.
Since I’ve been implementing Greg’s handy-dandy “he’s just not that into you” philosophy, I’ve been feeling surprisingly more powerful. Because if the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There’s no scheming and plotting. And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn’t ever feel like I’m just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it’s good for us all to remember that we don’t need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We’re fantastic.
THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, by Greg
One night I was drinking in a bar and flirting with the bartender. I asked for her number. She said, “I don’t give out my phone number because guys rarely call me when they say they’re going to. My name is Lindsey Adams, and if you want to call me, find my phone number.” Which I did—the very next day. Do you know how many Lindsey Adams there are in the phone book of a major city? Let’s just say I talked to about eight or nine before I found mine.
An actor we work with met a girl while he was making a public appearance on an aircraft carrier. He lost track of her in about ten minutes. And yet, because he was so smitten, he somehow managed to track her down in the army, and they are now married.
GREG, I GET IT! By Leslie, age 29
Greg! I get it. I went to this party and I met this guy. We started talking immediately by ourselves, off in a corner. He asked if I was single and seemed pleased when I said I was. Whenever we split up to talk to other people, or to get drinks or whatever, he always kept his eye on me. It was really cool. I was all excited and fluttery with that “Oh my God, I think I just met someone!” feeling. He didn’t ask for my number, but we know lots of people in common, so I thought he was just playing it cool. He never called me! And you know what? Normally I would call our mutual friends and start fishing and trying to figure out what happened and maybe try to find another way to see him again. But instead, I’m just going to move on! Who cares what his deal is. He’s not asking me out, so why should I start obsessing over him? I’m just going to go out tonight and try to meet someone else.
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG
We did an incredibly unscientific poll where we polled twenty of our male friends (ranging from ages twenty-six to forty-five), who are in serious long-term relationships. Not one of their relationships started with the woman asking them out first. One guy even said that if she had, “It would have spoiled all the fun.”
What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter
✓ An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of “ruining the friendship.”
✓ Don’t get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he’ll do the asking.
✓ If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
✓ Just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.
✓ “Hey, let’s meet at so-and-so’s party/any bar/friend’s house” is not a date. Even if you live in New York.
✓ Men don’t forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
✓ You are good enough to be asked out.
Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook
Hey, what’s a self-help tome without a workbook? Our chapters will all be so brave and wise that we want to make sure you retain as much of the brilliance as you can. So for all of you who feel the need to get out of your problems and into your crayon box, have at it.
Greg and Liz
Remember in grade school how they told you not to write in your textbooks? Screw that! Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him.
Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn’t trust my own innate hotness? Yes, you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun.
P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn’t even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down? --Ce texte fait référence à l'édition Broché .
Présentation de l'éditeur
For ages, women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men.
He’s afraid to get hurt again.
Maybe he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship.
Maybe he’s intimidated by me.
He just got out of a relationship.
Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo are here to say that—despite good intentions—you’re wasting your time. Men are not complicated, although they’d like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages.
The truth may be, He’s just not that into you.
Unfortunately, guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman, “You're not the one.” But their actions absolutely show how they feel.
Reexamining familiar scenarios and classic mindsets that keep us in unsatisfying relationships, Behrendt and Tuccillo’s wise and wry understanding of the sexes spares women hours of waiting by the phone, obsessing over the details with sympathetic girlfriends, and hoping his mixed messages really mean, “I’m in love with you and want to be with you.”
He’s Just Not That Into You is provocative, hilarious, and, above all, intoxicatingly liberating. It deserves a place on every woman’s night table. It knows you’re a beautiful, smart, funny woman who deserves better. The next time you feel the need to start “figuring him out,” consider the glorious thought that maybe, He’s just not that into you. And then set yourself loose to go find the one who is.
This NEWLY EXPANDED EDITION includes: a new foreword from Greg Behrendt; a new chapter—providing an honest look at the stages of life after He's Just Not That Into You, according to Liz, including exaltation, loneliness, temptation, and balance; and Greg and Liz address the most frequently asked reader questions.
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Meilleurs commentaires des clients
au début, ça fait mal de se dire que l'on est pas la femme de sa vie, the one and only, et puis après on se dit... qu'il n'était pas l'Homme de notre vie.
on reprends vite les rennes de notre vie et on ejecte les mauvais candidats sans perdre de temps ni de plumes. dur mais efficace! merci Greg et Liz!!!!!!! enjoy!
Commentaires client les plus utiles sur Amazon.com (beta)
The authors have really stumbled on to something good here - what I took away from this book and will continue to remember is that life is too short to pine for things that aren't meant to happen. Who knows how many great things pass us by because we're too busy worrying about getting something or someone that just wasn't meant to be. Read it and weep, if you must, but then also be glad that - if you apply what you've learned and make it your mantra - it's the last time you will cry over a love or aspiration unrealized.
The author breezily explains to women that if a guy was interested in you, he would make a move. That's it. Every single time.
I'll let you in on a secret. Most guys are actually terrified of women... or more specifically, terrified of rejection. This is especially true if you have an ongoing relationship (whether a business relationship, same circle of friends, etc.) where he will have to "revisit" his rejection repeatedly.
For some men, asking a woman out is tantamount to a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL. It makes them THAT nervous, or even MORE nervous. At least with a proposal, the guy has some idea of what answer to expect.
I used to be like this. Women would literally pull me aside and tell me what a great guy I am. I didn't have confidence in my attractiveness, so I didn't realize they were actually telling me they LIKED me. A LOT. I really did think they were telling me they really dig me as a friend.
As a result -- I never did anything.
I don't have this problem anymore. But... I definitely do see this in a lot of guys. Perhaps the world the author lives in is full of confident guys. That's why I give this 2 stars instead of 1... I'm giving him a slight benefit of the doubt.
I'm not done yet though ... here's an added twist...
The more a guy likes you (I'm talking to the women reading this), in some cases he may actually be less likely to ask you out. He values you too much to risk messing things up.
So... this book is WRONG in the majority of cases, in my experience. Buy a flirting book instead, to give him signals so he'll have some degree of confidence he won't be rejected. That's what flirting is for.
My advice -- find out a little bit about his dating experience. If he hasn't had many girlfriends, he's shy. If he HAS had many girlfriends, then MAYBE this book will apply.
To all those people who disagree with me, I have two things to say. First. I agree with you. Being shy is worthless. I'm very forthright now if I'm into a woman, and it works well for me. If not, moving on.
Second, seems like most people who disagree in comments (and are probably clicking "No" to if this review is helpful) don't like that some guys are shy. Well, no s***, Sherlock. Really, did you read the review? I'm not endorsing being shy or taking a woman too seriously. I'm saying it happens. Big difference, but apparently it's lost on quite a few people.
In the book he gives an example of a girl dating a man who's just come out of a divorce. He's told her that he's not ready to get into a serious relationship right now because he just got out of one--makes complete sense. The author's assessment? "He's just not that into you". Are you kidding me? He says that if a man likes you, he will do what it takes to keep you in his life--he's knows a jewel when he sees one. So are you saying that the fact that he just came out of a broken wedlock couldn't possibly have left him with hesitations about entering into another long term relationship so soon regardless of the girl? Give me a break.
The author also says that if a man wants you, he'll do whatever it takes to get you. I strongly disagree. Take a look at the (male) author of this book, he's a self-proclaimed "bad boy", who we may deduce was probably pretty cocky when it came to dating. I'm guessing (as per the "bad boy stereotypical formula") that he had no problems approaching and pursuing women. The thing is though Mr. Author-man, not all men are created the same.
Some men are shy.
Some men genuinely have baggage.
Some men need a little encouragement because their last few attempts have falled flat.
I agree that the male should do a lot of the pursuing, but I don't think the girl needs to sit back and allow herself to be led at the will of the guy. That's simply ridiculous.
The black and white "If he doesn't do 'x', then he's not into you" is way too simplistic, and it's a mindset that could potential ruin a perfectly good relationship if followed.
I do feel that some women make too many excuses for the way men treat them--and this book should shed light on them. However, I caution them to read with a grain of salt because not all men are of the type the author write about.
I'm suspect when a non-expert writes so-called "expert" books. There's definitely something to be said having formal education training --you understand that humans are complex beings composed of many different experiences, emotions, and opinions that form the way they react in a relationship setting.
My advice (and this is free!): Be yourself, relax, and don't try too hard to get someone to like you. Recognize the common sense warning signs, and never stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy 95% of the time.
The title of this book in itself is insulting. The book itself is insulting to both sexes. It seems to view male female relationships in black and white, yin and yang, right and wrong, good and bad, like or dislike. Second of all, it is oversimplistic even in terms of men. The over all tone of this book goes back to that atavistic "Me Tarzan, You Jane" image of men and women and seems to paint men as 'rulers of the world' unhesitant and unquestioning. The position of the authors is that men say and do exactly what they mean. But if that were the case, then this book never would have had to be written in the first place. Obviously, if guys were that simple and their every action mirrored their inner motives then this book should have been entitled: "Men are aggravating, ever changing, manipulative cads who just want to see you squirm". Men question themselves all the time. They doubt themselves and they fear rejection.
They too, like women, don't always know what they want. I've talked plenty of my shy guy friends into asking a woman they really liked out for a date. I have a guy friend who's quite the ladies' man, though not a cad, who got a call from a gorgeous girl he really liked. Yet he never returned her call because she made him nervous and he didn't know what to say to her.
If a man gives a woman mixed messages, I think it's oversimplistic to say that he's not at all interested in her. In addition, I think it's unfair to say that his uninterested behavior negates his interested behavior. Don't get me wrong, I I'm not advocating hanging on to a man who's not giving a woman what she wants. That's for sure. I too have had men give me tons of mixed messages, calling me out of the blue and asking me out when I haven't even really thought of them in months and then acting completely nervous and disinterested on the date. And yes, I've stopped hoping after them. But when strange behavior like that is going on, I've got to think there's something more going on beneath the surface. It's nothing I could or should try to change or fix, nor should I hope to ever go out with that man again. But after the initial disappointment of having to let a man go, I find it beneficial, even even self-nurturing to appreciate the good and bad of the experience rather than make myself feel like a loser as I say goodbye to a man because "He's just not that into (me)." (even if he's the one who initiated the date in the first place.)
Obviously there's something a man is interested in about you if he shows you interest just as there are things about you that disinterest him if he shows you disinterest. After all, if men are as simple as the authors of this book would like us to believe, then why would they feign interest and waste their time with us if they're not interested in us at all or are just going to turn around and change their minds about us later on? That makes just as little sense as women rejecting men for every little infraction on their part because "he's just not that into us." It's the 21st Century anyway and we all have issues and strange reasons for doing and not doing the things we do. Nobody is perfect and nobody will always give you what you want anyway. I feel this book is just another nod in the direction of glib, crazy-making, two minute pop-psycology that slaps sisters around with that dispassionate, 'get over it' Dr. Phil tough love that I find so annoying, oversimplified and abrasive.
There could be a multitude of reasons why that aren't related to how into you he is or isn't. But that being said, the reasons may not matter. For the more appropriate question in my view is "How do you want to be treated in a relationship?" To instead ask whether or not "he's into you" is to assume that he's finding you lacking in some way. Yes, the book says you're great, pretty, etc. but if the authors really believe that, then why all the repetition of the only reason a guy isn't acting like Prince Charming is that you don't interest him enough (with the token positive comment added on after all the negativity)?
I don't think many women would want to be involved with or marry a man who treated them well only because he was "into her" and had treated other women poorly because he wasn't into them. Not me anyway - only a man who treats all women and men well is worth it, in my book.
Second, this book doesn't match my personal experience either - of a couple of men who'd told me they'd been too nervous to ask me out for a very long time, of the male friends who'd told me they'd been so broken by their previous relationships that they feared getting into another one (and I witnessed their hesitation for years - and yes - the women they married did a lot of the work in the beginning), of the men I know who have told me that they often "reject before being rejected" etc.
So what's of value here? Deciding what kind of relationship you want and seeking someone who treats you well (and hopefully because of who he is as a person, not his evaluation of you).
But there are plenty of books out there written by people who possess and offer much deeper knowledge of relationships than the writers of this book, and who offer it in a way that is affirming, rather than negative. One title that goes to the heart of relationships in a positive and clear way is "The New Couple," by Maurice Taylor and Seana McGee. A book written for men by a psychologist (also a man) but that I think many women would find very helpful is "When Good Men Behave Badly" by David Wexler (yes, another cliche title - and possibly one that's off-putting to men[!] - but the content of the book is solid, deep and respectful of people. I've found it countless times more helpful than this one). On a more general level, Don Miguel Ruiz's books - "The Four Agreements," "The Mastery of Love" and "The Voice of Knowledge" are helpful reminders of all the "stories" that are told in our culture (like those in this book) - and how they distort reality and how damaging they can be to our healthy and happy functioning.
In questions of relationship, I think it's good to turn towards people who have knowledge (psychologists for example) and write with maturity in this area. The content of this particular book stays on the surface of the things, and I think is presented in a unnecessarily negative manner. Not something I'd recommend to anyone, and I'm concerned about all the hype over this one - for I think it can steer we women in an unhealthy direction, where we ask the wrong question - "Is he into me?" - rather than "What do I want in my relationship?"