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Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt (Anglais) Relié – 13 octobre 2009

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Présentation de l'éditeur

Drawn from research and the real-life experiences of adult daughters, Mean Mothers illuminates one of the last cultural taboos: what happens when a woman does not or cannot love her own daughter. Peg Streep, co-author of the highly acclaimed Girl in the Mirror, has subtitled this important, eye-opening exploration of the darker side of maternal behavior, “Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt.” There are no psychopathic child abusers in Mean Mothers. Instead, this essential volume focuses on the more subtle forms of psychological damage inflicted by mothers on their unappreciated daughters—and offers help and support to those women who were forced to suffer a parent’s cruelty and neglect.

Quatrième de couverture

An exploration of the darker side of maternal behavior drawn from scientific research, psychology, and the real-life experiences of adult daughters, Mean Mothers sheds light on one of the last cultural taboos: what happens when a woman doesn't or can't love her daughter.

Mean Mothers reveals the multigenerational thread that often runs through these stories—many unloving mothers are the daughters of unloving or hypercritical women—and explores what happens to a daughter's sense of self and to her relationships when her mother is emotionally absent or even cruel. But Mean Mothers is also a narrative of hope, recounting how daughters can get past the legacy of hurt to become whole within and to become loving mothers to the next generation of daughters. The personal stories of unloved daughters and sons and those of the author herself, are both unflinching and moving, and bring this most difficult of subjects to life.

Mean Mothers isn't just a book for daughters who've had difficult or impossible relationships with their mothers. By exposing the myths of motherhood that prevent us from talking about the women for whom mothering a daughter is fraught with ambivalence, tension, or even jealousy, Mean Mothers also casts a different light on the extraordinary influence mothers have over their female children as well as the psychological complexity and emotional depth of the mother-daughter relationship.

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Couverture | Copyright | Table des matières | Extrait | Index | Quatrième de couverture
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Commentaires client les plus utiles sur Amazon.com (beta)

Amazon.com: 78 commentaires
163 internautes sur 167 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Great book, but weak in the "overcoming" dept 25 décembre 2009
Par R. Mack - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
I have a mean mother and cut off relations five years ago. Others who have mean mothers, or those who know my mom well, are 100% supportive. As evidenced by at least one of the negative reviews of this book, some view those of us who have cut off relations as immature. IMHO unless you yourself have/had a mean mother, you are in no position to judge. Cutting off my mom was one of the healthiest things I have ever done.

What I loved about this book was that it validated my decision and a better understanding of how my mother has affected my life. The first part of the book, in which examples of mean mothers were described, was excellent - well organized, with a lot of very cogent insights. The second half of the book I felt rambled a bit, being rather more descriptive of various stories, and did not drive to any specific conclusions. Therefore, where the book fell a bit short for me was in delivering on the subtitle: "Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt" which is why I rated the book 4 stars and not 5 stars. I don't feel that this part of the story was told as well as the first part, perhaps because we never really do overcome the legacy of hurt - we just move past it. As such, I don't feel the subtitle was warranted.
63 internautes sur 66 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Making Sense Of A Confusing Parent 1 mai 2011
Par crazyjojo - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
This book acknowledges a very painful truth. I have been puzzling over this for over twenty years. Why did my mother insist on insulting me? I don't mean that she was "mean" in the sense that she made me eat nutritious food, or did not allow me to do what I wanted, but that she insisted on demeaning me in front of other people. This book was helpful in exploring how we believe that "all mothers are nuturing". It also pinpointed a truth. When women critize their mothers, the daughters are the ones on trial. My father actually saw my mother insulting me and still did not understand why I was so distant from her. It also discusses the issue of competitiveness with daughters. My mother was horribly competitive with me and it was revolting.

This book helps me understand myself better. Why I shrink from relationships with other women, why I do not like attention focused on me, why I don't trust employers, why I am lonely.
79 internautes sur 84 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Good book on a tough topic 19 novembre 2009
Par Dr. Cathy Goodwin - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
Streep tackles a topic that many people have trouble accepting: the notion that some mothers just are not loving, caring people. Some are emotionally distant. Some are just plain mean.

What does a daughter do when she realizes her mother doesn't like her? It seems to be the psychological equivalent of getting a dog you don't want and leaving the dog in the yard. Some women move past the experience while others seem to be stuck.

I suspect the phenomenon is more common than many people realize. When I was in college, several of my friends had mean mothers. It was hard to watch their interaction.

Streep handles this sensitive topic well. She describes her own experience just enough to show that she's been there, without forcing the reader to get caught up in the author's life. She tells stories of women who have been through this experience. Some were able to "divorce" their mothers but others took care of their moms as they aged.

What's missing is more about how women grow past this experience of having lived with a mom who didn't want them. She talks about the experience of becoming a mother, but I wonder how many women with "mean moms" opted not to have children. Since the topic is such a taboo, I wonder if psychotherapists tend to be judgmental as well.

Overall, though, the book is well written. The author deserves credit for handling this topic. I think many readers wll relate to her examples.
57 internautes sur 61 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Insightful book 18 décembre 2009
Par Lisa - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié Achat vérifié
This book is written not by a psychologist who studies mother-daughter relationships, but by a woman who herself was a daughter of an unloving mother. She knows the subject firsthand. It was very helpful to realize that there are plenty of women who experienced a life with an unloving mother.
The author talks about many aspects of dealing with such a mother (she does not have to be abusive in any way to be classified as unloving. Providing food, clothing and a roof over child's head does not instantly make one a good mother). She also discusses the effects growing up with a mother who is incapable of loving her daughter has on a woman. All that is set in the context of other family relationships (father, siblings) and dynamics.

The book does concentrate on mother-daughter relationship simply because the author writes about her own experience as a daughter (and a mother herself) and other women's experiences she can relate to. As a woman myself I can relate to that also. The chapter about the myth of mother's love we have in our culture was very informative.
It is a very insightful book that put some things in perspective and allowed for a deeper understanding of the subject. Not everything applies to everyone, each mother-daughter relationship is unique, but the author's observations and detailed examples were very useful.

It is not an attack on motherhood and she does not say that if a mother disciplines her child she is a bad mother. A loving mother does discipline her children, an unloving mother, on the other hand, constantly criticizes, embarrasses, makes her daughter feel bad about herself, and treats her daughters as an extension of herself.
The book ended on a positive note that a woman can be free from the unhealthy relationship with her own mother and does not have to repeat her mother's mistakes.

I would recommend this book to any woman whose relationship with her mother is and always has been difficult and painful.
64 internautes sur 70 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Tears the lid off a taboo subject 23 avril 2011
Par Poochie - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
I thought the book was a long over due work. It is rare that anyone in society would dare to venture into this topic. By comparision, there are thousands of books written about abusive fathers (men). I appreciated the opening chapter that explained how and why our society has declared this topic taboo and unspeakable.

Some of the cases highlighted in the book struck a chord. Others were difficult to relate to. Some cases seemed like rich women whining that they did not get what they wanted because of a mean mother. One woman complained that "mother would not allow me to choose my college." I would have swapped my "mean mother" for this "mean mother" anyday, considering I was thrown on the cold hard streets at age 14. While not trying to play "can you top this," I honestly thought some of the cases were too trite for the book. Even so, I applaud Peg for daring to address the topic.

One thing I really liked about the book was that the author did not push the reader to forgive in the ordinary sense. Instead, she implied that "living well" is the best revenge, and the best thing one can do to manage the damage. She offers advice on how to live well that is practical and obtainable. Peg actually names the damage! The feelings and behaviors of victims of mean mothers are penned with compassion, integrity and most of all with truth.

The best thing about the book is that the author dared tread where the American Psychiatric Association and the church will not- putting the blame where it belongs- on the mean mom. Although Peg does go through the family tree and trace mean behaviors of the mean mother's mother (your grandmother)- she does not deny the fact that we are all responsible for our own behaviors (as many theorists do). All too often we see books that imply that your mean/messed up mother is a victim of her own mother.

The generational aspect of the mean mother's behavior may be so, but it leaves the door open for blame shirking onto grandmother. No one gets held accountable, and we the victims get stuck holding the bag of misery. We hear sentiments like "she's your mother," "she gave you birth," "how can you feel that way about your own mother!" In essence the victim is re-victimized- this time by friends, family, neighbors- and even therapists. The Teflon shield of the "mean mother" is penetrated in this book.

The author defines mean mothers in such a way that they are distinguished from mothers who merely went through difficult times or had small personality quirks. A general list of negative attributes of mean mothers is offered. In my case, my mean mother fit each attribute perfectly.This was difficult to read- even after many years of healing. In one case, a victim in the book decided not to attend her mother's funeral. I understood her feelings and logic completely.

Overall, the book was good start in tearing the lid off of this topic. More books like this must be written because the acts of mothering are decaying exponentially since my childhood in the 1960's. Back then, very few people came from broken, twisted homes headed by a single "mean mother." Today, it is very common.

It was worth the price of the book, just to know that someone out there knows that these types of mothers do in fact exist, and the damage they cause takes decades to heal from (if you are lucky). Cutting through the denial is the first step that society must take to help remedy this problem. The ole "chemical imbalance" diagnosis will never be the truth about victims of mean mothers. It is the truth that will set us free.
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