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Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems
 
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Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems [Format Kindle]

Michael Thompson Phd

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THE EVERYDAY LIVES OF CHILDREN: Normal Social Pain

Every morning when the buses pull up in front of an elementary,
middle, or high school building, an extraordinary
social drama unfolds. Most adults miss the importance
of this opening act of the school day, because it is a daily theater,
apparently so predictable that grown-ups are not alert
to its intensity. But kids get off the bus with their minds
geared not to Spanish, spelling, or computer class, but to
seeing their friends. They're ready for the curtain to rise on
the action of the day--for the conflict and connection of social
life.

Children suffer when they are teased or excluded or
have a fight with a friend--and parents suffer emphatically
right along with them. Our job is to bear that pain and
also to put it in perspective. After all, we lived through
cliques and betrayals and heartaches, and our children will
too. Of course, there are things we can do to ease the pain--
theirs and ours--but our first job is to take a deep breath and
trust in children's resilience and in the process of human
development.

The social troubles children face are so predictable and
inevitable that it is hard to call them traumas. Nevertheless,
they do hurt and they do sap a child's confidence. Losing a
friend, having a secret betrayed, and being teased are just a
few examples. As parents, we want desperately to help children
escape these hard lessons of life, or at least master them
when they do happen. We know that lectures don't really
work, but we keep giving them anyway, just in case. We
aren't sure what else to do. We also know that our own endless
worrying doesn't help, but we have a hard time turning
it off.

Research shows that the majority of kids fall somewhere
in the middle of the social hierarchy. Their status ranges
from basically accepted to well liked to wildly popular. For
these children, intense social issues (and pain) are still prevalent.
In fact, pressures and conflicts are universal as kids
deal with clashes among the individual, the friendship pair,
and the group. Most of the answers to the questions in this
section begin with reassurance. Our goal is to help adults
understand such factors as temperament, group dynamics,
and child development. Our hope is that a better understanding
of these things will provide some perspective, a
dose of optimism, and a little relief from the anxiety we feel.
Parents and other adults all have their own painful memories
of social struggles. These memories are triggered when children
hand over their pain to their parents. It's hard to separate
the new pain of your child's present from the old pain of
your own school days. It's a bit like getting your toe stepped
on when it's already broken.

When we label much of what you worry about as "normal"
social pain, we do not in any way mean to trivialize it.
The pain we feel when we lose a loved one is universal too--
and therefore "normal." But that does not lessen its sting. In
fact, knowing that something is universal, that you and your
child are not the only people who ever went through this
pain, can be powerfully comforting.

If you read between the lines as you look over the questions
in this section, you'll see that more often than not, what
parents and teachers are really asking is this: "Is my child
normal?" "Are the children in my class normal?" There is
often a great deal of anxiety and concern behind these questions.
Much uncertainty and anxiety comes from a lack of
experience about how normal it is for children to be in pain,
or how normal it is for children to be so difficult for adults to
understand and to handle. Normal children are not wonderful
every minute. Their friendships aren't always a scene on
a Hallmark card. In fact, they throw us all kinds of curve
balls. I often share with parents this quote from the brilliant
child psychiatrist D. W. Winnicott in his book The Child,
The Family, and the Outside World
, "What is the normal
child like? Does he just eat and grow and smile sweetly? No,
that is not what he is like. A normal child, if he has confidence
in his father and mother, pulls out all the stops. In the
course of time he tries out his power to disrupt, to destroy, to
frighten, to wear down, to waste, to wangle and to appropriate.
Everything that takes people to the courts (or to the asylums,
for that matter) has its normal equivalent in infancy
and early childhood (and in adolescence), in the relation
of the child to his own home. If the home can stand up to all
the child can do to disrupt it, he settles down to play; but
business first, the tests must be made."

We have to bear the pain that our children share with us,
pain that might break our hearts or annoy us or remind us of
our own horrible peer experiences. And we have to keep a
sense of perspective about all that pain. Indeed, the first rule
of worrying as a parent is to take the long view.

There is a story about an anxious first-time mother
who called her baby's pediatrician constantly, sometimes
several times a day. After a couple of months of this, he asked
to see her. This is what he said: "Mrs. Smith, you have given
birth to a child. You have opened yourself up to a lifetime
of worry. You have to pace yourself." Kids, too, need
to learn to pace themselves in the long-distance race of growing
up.

In the first of the two case studies that follow, you will
meet a mother who learned to manage her worry and to promote,
rather than anguish about, her child's friendships.

The second case study in this section will introduce you
to Karen, a young adult, and her reflections about the complex
interplay of identity, friendship, and popularity during
adolescence. Karen's ability to look back on her own social
life helps her make sense of a struggle that was hard to
understand when she was living through it. We hope her
view will give you added perspective on your own children's
experiences in the world of friendship and popularity.


From the Hardcover edition.

Revue de presse

“Deeply needed advice, reassurance, and good news . . . This much-needed book is a true gem.”
–EDWARD M. HALLOWELL, M.D., author of The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness

“A VALUABLE RESOURCE . . . [The authors] help parents deal with a range of social problems. . . . Just as important, they help parents distinguish between the kind of social antagonisms that can traumatize a child and the kind that are just part of growing up.”
Booklist

“Once again Michael Thompson, Lawrence Cohen, and Catherine O’Neill Grace have reached into the hearts and minds of children and parents and given us deeply needed advice, reassurance, and good news. They show us how to deal with some of the most painful moments of childhood and, not only survive them, but thrive. Michael Thompson combines the knowledge and wisdom of a brilliant psychologist with the heart and love of an experienced parent. This much-needed book is a true gem.”
–EDWARD M. HALLOWELL, M.D.

“Few parenting challenges compare to helping a kid cope with teasing or being left out. With empathy and understanding, Mom, They’re Teasing Me gives parents age-by-age information and practical advice to guide and comfort kids through every stage of their so-called social lives.”
–FREDDI GREENBERG
Editor in Chief, Nick Jr. magazine

“What a wonderful and helpful book. It is right on target dealing with a very difficult issue–one that all parents confront–in a truly sensitive and intelligent manner. Above all, Michael Thompson and Lawrence Cohen give answers–why it happens and what to do about it. I was really impressed by their ability to make helpful sense out of a truly difficult part of child-raising.”
–ANTHONY E. WOLF, Ph.D.
Author of Get Out of My Life, But First Could You
Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?

Détails sur le produit

  • Format : Format Kindle
  • Taille du fichier : 391 KB
  • Nombre de pages de l'édition imprimée : 274 pages
  • Pagination - ISBN de l'édition imprimée de référence : 0345450116
  • Editeur : Ballantine Books; Édition : Reprint (18 décembre 2008)
  • Vendu par : Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Langue : Anglais
  • ASIN: B001O1O7DU
  • Synthèse vocale : Activée
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Il n'y a pas encore de commentaires clients sur Amazon.fr
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Commentaires client les plus utiles sur Amazon.com (beta)
Amazon.com: 4.3 étoiles sur 5  6 commentaires
16 internautes sur 16 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Answers so many questions a parent has 27 janvier 2003
Par Julia DeVillers - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié
I read this book over the weekend and have already sent out a mass email to parents I know telling them to read this book! This book succinctly and honestly answers questions that I'm always hearing on the "parent circuit." Not only about about teasing, but about all social skills, popularity, being ostracized, girls worrying they are fat-- you name it, it is probably addressed in this book. And the authors do a wonderful job of letting you know when you are worrying too much, or too little about an issue. A must read!
26 internautes sur 29 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
2.0 étoiles sur 5 Background Information; No Followthrough 13 décembre 2004
Par Margaret P. - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié
This book is strong on background material and demonstrating why children are teased. "Mom They're Teasing Me" is chocked full of examples of children (usually with poor social skills) being teased. However, this book is weak on the issue most concerning anyone who would buy it. Specifically, the author does not offer advice on what to do if your child is being teased. Most of this book comes down to the following statement: children with poor social skills are teased. The authors's solution: read the book, "Helping the Child Who Doesn't Fit In." Personally, I think the author's premise is overly simplistic, but that other book does appear to be worth trying.

The bottom line is, when you've read this entire book, won't have an answer to "Mom, They're Teasing Me."
4 internautes sur 4 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 A very accurate account of what goes on in our schools 28 février 2006
Par Amazon Customer - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié
Bullies often succeed in convincing their victims that it's the victims' fault, that the abuse did not happen, or that it was done for the victims' benefit.

When nothing is done to help victimized children, they grow into adults that continue to blame themselves for everything that goes wrong around them.

This book accurately describes the kind of abuses that many children are still exposed to in our schools. The book will be of excellent help to those wishing to protect their children and students from bullies.

It will also enable those who care about children to withstand arguments from those who wish to turn a blind eye to the abuse that is happening outside of their backyards.

The book will also be helpful to adults that have themselves been bullied. Because the basic bullying tactics have not changed and because the book describes them so well, it validates the reality of the past abuse.

This validation is very helpful in resolving the emotional anguish that many adults, who have been abused as children, still carry.
1 internautes sur 1 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Asperger 17 mai 2012
Par Joyce Lundberg - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
My son is 11 with Aspergers. His social skills are lacking. I found this book helpful. My heart breaks for him and am always looking for tips to help him.
4.0 étoiles sur 5 Good for any parent to read 5 mai 2014
Par Natalie - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché
I found this to be a well-practical book that would be helpful for all parents to read. It’s good to be reminded what age-appropriate levels of problems are, and how devastating those problems can feel to a child (even when they really aren’t that big of a deal). At the same time, it was helpful to be appraised of warning signs for bigger problems, and actions that could be taken to help any child. The book reminded me that middle school can be brutal for anyone outside of societal norms. Many of the problems kids have in middle school seem to just evaporate by the time they get to high school, so waiting it out does seem to be a viable strategy.
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Children with good social skills have a great knack for giving sincere appreciation that doesn't come across as manipulative flattery. That's because their goal is to engage, to play together, to build friendship as they build block towers. &quote;
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Children who are systematically rejected or neglected or aggressive are at a much higher risk for dropping out of school, drug and alcohol problems, depression, criminal behavior, and even suicide. &quote;
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