While some of the words and NVC process as described in the book might be too theoretical and hard to apply in real life, there is plenty food for thought and concepts can definitely be used in our own way in many aspects of our everyday life. I have already applied NVC at work, with my kids and with my husband. Impressive!
Même commentaire que pour le bouquin Cessez d'être gentil soyez vrai : Être avec les autres en restant soi-même. Trop long de tout répéter. En gros: - Très utile et rapidement opérationnel pour améliorer ses relations aux autres et à soi-même (dont: gestion du stress) - Bien plus qu'une technique, un manuel de sagesse (qui finalement ne fait que structurer des sagesses anciennes, afin de les rendre applicables) - L'anglais est très facile à lire ;)!
La version originale du livre intitulé en français "Les mots sont des fenêtres". Pour qui s'intéresse aux conflits et à leur résolution, quel que soit le milieu (famille, lieu de travail etc), ce livre est incontournable. Il faut tout simplement connaitre l'approche de Marshall Rosenberg, qu'on soit ou pas d'accord avec lui. Personnellement, ce que je lui reproche, ce sont les phrases alambiquées qu'il suggère pour dialoguer avec les personnes avec lesquelles nous sommes en conflit. Par contre, je trouve tout ce qu'il dit sur l'empathie extrêmement intéressant.
Commentaires client les plus utiles sur Amazon.com (beta)
257 internautes sur 261 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile
Profound! The most important book I've ever read.18 décembre 2003
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Initially I thought this book wouldn't be relevant to me since I didn't consider myself a "violent" communicator. A few pages into the book however, it became evident to me that despite my easy-going nature, I had much to learn about communication. Dr. Rosenberg identifies learned communication that disconnects us from each other and is at the very root of violence. He then offers a simple yet powerful 4 step model that leads to respectful and compassionate communication. One catch - while the model is simple, it can be challenging to apply, especially when we're upset. That's because most of us have learned to blame others when we're upset and it's hard to unlearn this behavior. However, use of the model deepens our awareness and it becomes very clear how destructive our habitual knee-jerk reactions are to both ourselves and others. The Nonviolent Communication model helps us to become conscious and choose to respond differently - that is in ways that are more likely to lead to positive and satisfying outcomes for everyone. If you'd like to transform your relationships, for example: learn how to really listen to others while not taking anything you hear personally (what a gift!), learn how to give and receive in ways that are deeply gratifying, and much more, this is a must read. Also, this model is applicable in all relationship types - perfect for couples, parents, teachers, managers, executives, counselors and anyone else interested in relationship building. On a personal note, this book has been life-changing for me. I have witnessed truly amazing results in all my relationships including one relationship which had been a great struggle for me for many years.
157 internautes sur 165 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile
New edition's chapter on self-compassion well worth reading28 décembre 2003
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In November, 2000, I read the previous edition of this book...The quality of empathy I now am able to provide has enlivened my therapy practice, and meets my need for hope that I can contribute to the well being of my clients, and also connect deeply with my friends and family. The step-by-step empathy skills in this book are learnable by anyone.. This latest edition of Dr. Rosenberg's book has a completely new chapter called, "Connecting Compassionately with Ourselves." It's about what he calls, "self-compassion." He writes, "When we are internally violent towards ourselves, it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate towards others." I enjoyed this chapter because it helped me translate my self-judgments into statements of my own unmet needs. I now see that when I am angry with myself it is because my actions were not in harmony with my values. Seeing things from this perspective helps me mourn my action and move into self-forgiveness by connecting with the specfic need I was trying to meet when I used a strategy that I now regret. I particularly enjoyed the section on translating "have-to" into "choose-to." The exercise showed me how to locate the choice in what I do, by connecting with the need, want, or value each activity serves. I find I have more energy, more compassion when I experience choice in my life.
352 internautes sur 380 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile
Good material, but presentation leaves a bit to be desired7 avril 2004
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I borrowed this book from the local library after it caught my eye, sitting on the "new books" display. It's a pretty good book, although I do have some reservations about it. /Nonviolent Communication/ is a rather easy read. This is both good and bad - good, because you're not slogging through lots of academia-speak and technical jargon; but also bad because you might breeze through the book too quickly to truly absorb the rather useful and insightful information it is offering. The idea behind the NVC process is rather simple - it's mostly about learning to be more precise in expressing your feelings, their cause(s), and what you would like done to resolve them. Rather than saying "you never clean the !@#$ kitchen," the NVC approach would be to say something along the lines of: "When you do not take out the trash in the kitchen, I feel __________." And so on. NVC also encourages you to be receptive to what other people are saying and feeling, even if (or perhaps especially if) they do not word things with as much precision and care. The approach is very sound, but I have reservations about the way the book presents it. Most of the example conversations are so unbelievably robotic, at times I just wanted to laugh out loud at how absurd they were. My initial thought was that I was being unreasonable - after all, they're just words on a page, and perhaps they would seem less laughable in person with real emotion behind them. And then I realized that was the key that was missing - the conversations were little other than the facts of the situation, and the exact words the people said. There was no emotional context, no insight into the feelings that were being expressed. I found this to be extremely ironic. A book about expressing emotions, with lots of examples that HAD no emotion! I think if you can get beyond the rather mediocre examples, and put genuine *thought* into the principles the author outlines, you will find much of value in the book. Before reading /Nonviolent Communication/, I didn't think much about how the imprecision in our wording can cause a great deal of conflict. "You are so inconsiderate!" versus "When you leave your dirty dinner plate on the table and go watch football, I feel very angry. Would you please rinse the plate and put it in the dishwasher?" It's a world of difference, and I believe there is much benefit to this approach. Final thought: there's a lot of good stuff in this book, but the presentation could use some work. Read the book carefully, and do not go as quickly as the breezy writing style allows - the material here needs careful consideration for it to truly benefit you.
67 internautes sur 69 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile
The best instruction manual for applied empathy!8 mai 2006
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First, the basics. Before I read this book, I had no idea that there were learnable techniques for enhancing your performance of empathy. For that matter, I didn't even know that empathy is something that you do; I thought that it was just something that you feel. Well, it turns out that empathy is really an activity with techniques, and this book teaches them.
Now for some context. In the last year, I've read about twenty books on emotional intelligence (EQ) and related topics. (If you're unfamiliar with the term, just think of EQ as "socio-emotional fitness". It can be roughly divided into self-awareness, self-direction, social perception and relationship management.) Good intellectual frameworks for understanding EQ have been easy for me to find; practical instructions for increasing your EQ seem rather more rare. (By "practical instructions" I mean pragmatic action plans with specific things to DO, not just project proposals with goals to accomplish. It's a shame how often the latter is presented when the former is needed.) In my reading experience, "Nonviolent Communication" is THE premiere how-to guide for improving your performance at doing empathy, which is one of the fundamental competencies of EQ.
Third, a caution in the form of a metaphor. The author is proffering you a diamond while demonstrating an oddly formal way of holding it. Just take the diamond and ignore the formalities. That is to say, other reviewers have pointed out that he uses some rather stilted language at times, and that's true; but, the phrasing is NOT the point. The remarkable insights are what matter.
Fourth, an idiosyncratic recommendation. One of most amazing ways that this book helped me was by teaching me how to empathize with my OWN needs. That made it much easier for me to tackle certain problem behaviors of mine without threatening the universal human psychological needs that those behaviors were (self-defeatingly) satisfying. (The book "Flawless!" by Tartaglia is a good place to start for that, BTW.) I firmly believe that one of the best uses of "Nonviolent Communication" is to lay a strong cognitive foundation for future self-improvement.
Finally, some setting of expectations. As with any competency training techniques -- musical performance, physical fitness, whatever -- how much you benefit will depend on how much you practice. However, if you work at it then you will change your thinking, which will change your behavior, which will change your character and your circumstances, which will change your destiny, which will change the world.
This book is eagerly waiting to improve the human condition through you. Will you activate it?
37 internautes sur 38 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile
Excellent resource for couples, business people and parents!26 janvier 2007
Patrick D. Goonan
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Marshall Rosenberg has initiated peace programs in war ravaged areas around the world including Ireland, Serbia, Croatia, Rwanda and the Middle East. He also gives workshops has worked in the prison systems and has applied his ideas with great success in a variety of settings. His book that goes along with this audio series Nonviolent Communication was a textbook for one of my communication courses which was a requirement for a Masters in Integral Psychology. In short, he is a highly credible author with a gift for simplifying complex topic down to simple models that could be applied easily in daily life.
The basic model he uses allow a person to unravel the trigger for an emotion from the actual cause which is often unconscious thinking or beliefs. For example, if I child didn't clean his room that is not necessarily the cause of the parent's anger. The real cause is some underlying need for example that the parent is concerned about the child developing discipline or an examined assumption such as my child is ignoring what I asked them to do. The point is that we often jump into action or go immediately to a negative emotion without much CONSCIOUS thought. This four step process allows you to deepen your awareness so that when you are in situations that might automatically trigger you, you can chose more healthy options.
Another aspect of the four step process is staying with emotions until one uncovers the underlying need. Sometimes, this involves the emotion shifting to another one. For example, say my partner gets angry because I didn't do the dishes. Rather than just starting an argument, Rosenberg would advise my partner to stay with her emotion. By being willing to fully feel the anger, she might realize in actuality that she feels hurt. By staying with the hurt she may have the realization that her underlying need is actually to feel loved and that me doing the dishes is symbolic for her of loving her and being concerned. With this additional awareness she is in a position to make a more vulnerable and powerful request that is likely to get her what she really wants. For example, using the four part model she might say, "When you forget to do the dishes (observation), I feel hurt (feeling-notice there is no blame or shame) because I notice that I'm not feeling loved because I associate you following through on things like that with being concerned for me (the real need). Now that you understand how I feel, would you be willing to be more vigilant about your agreements over everyday stuff because when you do it makes me feel like you care (request).
Admittedly the model is simple, but it is also very powerful. Most of us act without awareness much of the time. In our time contrained culture, we also tend to dismiss feelings as sources of information about needs that are important to us. This model helps you to get back in touch with the purpose of your emotion and your buried needs. It will help you to increase the intimacy in all of your relationships, not to mention helping you to make requests that are more likely to get you the results you wanted in the first place.
If you are serious about changing unhealthy communication patterns, I would also get the book to accompany this audio set. Patterns of language and the thinking that accompanies them are deeply engrained. In fact, there are often hidden assumptions in our automatic thinking such as OTHER people CAUSE our emotions. We actually have a lot of degree of control over how we feel when someone does a particular behavior. A lot of this depends upon how we "frame" or contextualize the behavior. This book is very useful in helping you uncover these patterns and changing them.
In my practice as personal growth coach I often recommend this book and audio CD to clients. I've seen this information help a lot of people and it has helped me too. If it helps you avoid even one argument with an important person in your life, it is well worth the cost. I guarantee it will raise your awareness around your unconscious processes and help you to have healthier relationships if you apply the ideas faithfully.
The CD on giving and receiving anger compassionately is especially good. This is a problem area for a lot of people and I think this CD alone justifies the cost of the set. Don't be deceived by Rosenberg's simple presentation of ideas. It is often the most simple ideas that are the most powerful when applied in daily life.