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Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children
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Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children [Format Kindle]

Dr Thomas Gordon
4.5 étoiles sur 5  Voir tous les commentaires (2 commentaires client)

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Descriptions du produit


P.E.T. will be described in terms familiar to everyone, not in technical jargon. Some parents may find themselves initially disagreeing with some of these concepts, but very few will find themselves not understanding them.

Since readers will not be able to express their concerns face-to-face with an instructor, here are some questions and answers that may be helpful at the start.

question: Is this another permissive approach to raising children?

answer: Definitely not. Permissive parents get into as much trouble as overly strict parents, for their kids often turn out to be selfish, unmanageable, uncooperative, and inconsiderate of the needs of their parents.

question: Can one parent use this new approach effectively if the other sticks to the old approach?

answer: Yes and no. If only one parent starts to use this new approach, there will be a definite improvement  in the relationship between that parent and the children. But the relationship between the other parent and the children may get worse. Far better then, for both parents to learn the new methods. Furthermore, when both parents try to learn this new approach together, they can help each other a great deal.

question: Will parents lose their influence over the children with this new approach? Will they abdicate the  responsibility to give guidance and direction to their childrens' lives?

answer: As parents read the first chapters, they may get this impression. A book can only present a system step by step. The early chapters deal with ways to help children find their own solutions to problems they encounter. In these situations, the role of an effective parent will seem different--much more passive or "nondirective" than parents are accustomed to. Later chapters, however, deal with how to modify unacceptable behavior of children and how to influence them to be considerate of your needs as parents. In these situations, you will be shown specific ways of being an even more responsible parent--acquiring even more influence than you have now. It might be helpful to check the Table of Contents for the subjects covered in later chapters.

This book teaches parents a rather easy-to-learn method of encouraging kids to accept responsibility for finding their own solutions to their own problems, and illustrates how parents can put that method to work right away in the home. Parents who learn this method (called Active Listening) may experience what P.E.T.-trained parents have described:

"It's such a relief not to think I have to have all the answers to my children's problems."

"P.E.T. has made me have a much greater appreciation of the capacities of my children for solving their own problems."

"I was amazed at how the Active Listening method worked. My kids come up with solutions to their problems that are often far better than any I could have given them."

"I guess I've always been very uncomfortable about playing the role of God--feeling that I should be knowing what my kids should do when they have problems."

Today, thousands of adolescents have fired their parents, and for good reason as far as the kids are concerned.

"My mom doesn't understand kids my age."

"I just hate to go home and get lectured to every night."

"I never tell my parents anything; if I did they wouldn't understand."

"I wish my dad would get off my back."

"As soon as I can, I'm going to leave home--I can't stand their constantly hassling me about everything."

The parents of these kids are usually well aware of having lost their jobs, as evidenced by these statements made in our P.E.T. classes:

"I have absolutely no more influence over my  sixteen-year-old boy."

"We've given up with Annie."

"Ricky won't ever eat with us, and he hardly ever says a word to us. Now he wants a room out in the garage."

"Mark is never home. And he'll never tell me where he goes or what he's doing. If I ever ask him, he tells me it's none of my business."

To me it is a tragedy that one of the potentially most intimate and satisfying relationships in life so often creates bad blood. Why do so many adolescents come to see their parents as "the enemy"? Why is there such a rift between parents and children? Why are parents and youth in our society literally at war with each other?

Chapter 14 will deal with these questions and show why it is unnecessary for kids to rebel and revolt against their parents. P.E.T. is revolutionary, yes, but not a method that invites revolution. Rather, it is a method that can help parents avoid being fired, can prevent war in the home, and bring parents and children closer rather than grouped against each other as hostile antagonists.

Parents who at first may be inclined to reject our methods as too revolutionary may find the motivation to study them with an open mind by reading the following excerpt from a history submitted by a mother and father after they had taken P.E.T.

"Bill, at sixteen, was our greatest problem. He was estranged. He was running wild and was completely irresponsible. He was getting his first D's and F's in school. He never came home at the agreed times, offering as excuses flat tires, broken watches, and empty gas tanks. We spied on him, he lied to us. We grounded him. We took away his license. We docked his allowance. Our conversations were full of recriminations. All to no avail. After one violent argument, he lay on the kitchen floor and kicked and screamed and shouted that he was going crazy. At that point we enrolled in Dr. Gordon's class for parents. Change did not come overnight . . . We never had felt like a unit, a warm and loving, deeply caring, family. This only came about after great changes in our attitudes and values. . . . This new idea of being a person--a strong, separate per- son, expressing his own values but not forcing them on another, but being a good model--this was the turning point. We had much greater influence. . . . From rebellion and fits of rage, from failure in school, Bill changed to an open, friendly, loving person who calls his parents 'two of my favorite people.' . . . He is finally back in the family. . . . I have a relationship with him I never believed possible, full of love and trust and independence. He is strongly internally motivated and, when each one of us is also, we really live and grow as a family."

Parents who learn to use our new ways of communicating their feelings are not likely to produce a child like the sixteen-year-old boy who sat in my office and announced with a straight face:

"I don't have to do anything around the house. Why should I? It's my parents' job to take care of me. They are legally required to. I didn't ask to be born, did I?"

When I heard what this young man said and obviously believed, I could not help but think, "What kind of persons are we producing if children are permitted to grow up with the attitude that the world owes them so much even though they give back so little? What kind of citizen are parents sending out into the world? What kind of society will these selfish human beings make?"

Almost without exception parents can be categorized roughly into three groups--the "winners," the "losers," and the "oscillators." Parents in the first group strongly defend and persuasively justify their right to exercise authority or power over the child. They believe in restricting, setting limits, demanding certain behaviors, giving commands, and expecting obedience. They use threats of punishment to influence the child to obey, and mete out punishments when he does not. When conflict arises between the needs of the parents and those of the child, these parents consistently resolve the conflict in such a way that the parent wins and the child loses. Generally, these parents rationalize their "winning" by such stereotyped thinking as "This is the way my parents raised me and I turned out pretty well," "It's for  the good of the child," "Children actually want parental  authority," or simply the vague notion that "It is the responsibility of parents to use their authority for the good  of the child, because parents know best what is right and wrong."

The second group of parents, somewhat fewer in number than the "winners," allow their children a great deal of freedom most of the time. They consciously avoid setting limits and proudly admit that they do not condone authoritarian methods. When conflict occurs between the needs of the parent and those of the child, rather consistently it is the child who wins and the parent who loses, because such parents believe it is harmful to frustrate the child's needs.

Probably the largest group of parents is made up of those who find it impossible to follow consistently either one of the first two approaches. Consequently, in trying  to arrive at a "judicious mixture" of each they oscillate  back and forth between being strict and lenient, tough and easy, restrictive and permissive, winning and losing. As one mother told us:

"I try to be permissive with my children until they get so bad I can't stand them. Then I feel I have to change and start using my authority until I get so strict I can't stand myself."

The parents who shared these feelings in one of the P.E.T. classes unknowingly spoke for the large number  in the "oscillating group." These are the parents who are probably most confused and uncertain, and, as we shall show later, whose children are often the most disturbed.

The major dilemma of today's parents is that they perceive only two approaches to handling conflicts in the home-- conflicts that inevitably arise between parent and child. They see but two alternativ...

Présentation de l'éditeur

P.E.T., or Parent Effectiveness Training, began almost forty years ago as the first national parent-training program to teach parents how to communicate more effectively with kids and offer step-by-step advice to resolving family conflicts so everybody wins.  This beloved classic is the most studied, highly praised, and proven parenting program in the world -- and it will work for you. Now revised for the first time since its initial publication, this groundbreaking guide will show you:
How to avoid being a permissive parent
How to listen so kids will talk to you and talk so kids will listen to you
How to teach your children to "own" their problems and to solve them
How to use the "No-Lose" method to resolve conflicts

Using the timeless methods of P.E.T. will have immediate results: less fighting, fewer tantrums and lies, no need for punishment. Whether you have a toddler striking out for independence or a teenager who has already started rebelling, you'll find P.E.T. a compassionate, effective way to instill responsibility and create a nurturing family environment in which your child will thrive.

From the Trade Paperback edition.

Détails sur le produit

  • Format : Format Kindle
  • Taille du fichier : 1613 KB
  • Nombre de pages de l'édition imprimée : 384 pages
  • Editeur : Harmony; Édition : 30th edition (3 juin 2008)
  • Vendu par : Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Langue : Anglais
  • ASIN: B001A6ZWM4
  • Synthèse vocale : Non activée
  • X-Ray :
  • Word Wise: Non activé
  • Moyenne des commentaires client : 4.5 étoiles sur 5  Voir tous les commentaires (2 commentaires client)
  • Classement des meilleures ventes d'Amazon: n°67.750 dans la Boutique Kindle (Voir le Top 100 dans la Boutique Kindle)
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Commentaires client les plus utiles
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Awesome 10 mars 2014
Format:Format Kindle|Achat vérifié
Lu et relu en français, sous le titre Parents Efficaces, toujours aussi fantastique de clarté, de persuasion, un encouragement affectueux et intelligent à être au meilleur de nous même avec nos enfants. Depuis les années 70, une pléthore d'études scientifiques est venue prouver la justesse, la bienfaisance des principes de Gordon tant pour l'enfant, que le parent et la société toute entière.
En France, Isabelle Filliozat ou Catherine Dumonteil-Kremer approfondissent et développent la parentalité positive principalement inspirée par Gordon.
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0 internautes sur 1 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
4.0 étoiles sur 5 Good Book 31 juillet 2012
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
Godd book that goes over subjects that other books do not cover. It is very open minded and treats problems without any fuss.
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Commentaires client les plus utiles sur (beta) 4.6 étoiles sur 5  111 commentaires
275 internautes sur 278 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 If you're a parent you need to read this book 16 octobre 2005
Par Graham Lawes - Publié sur
Before I had children, I oscillated between thinking that I would have no idea how to be a father and thinking that I would certainly do better than my parents. Of course, in practice many of my preconceptions have been dispelled as mere imaginings. My son is now thirteen and my daughter nine, so with the notion that I perhaps have not done as good a job as I might, I've been taking a more serious look at some of the parenting guides at my disposal. There are many of these around, but you would do well to start with Gordon's, "Parent Effectiveness Training" or alternatively, with "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" of Faber and Mazlish. Don't be put off by the P.E.T. acronym or the cover of the book as I was, or the apparent commercialism of the approach, because this is one of the best books on the subject. It is a complete training guide for parents, and it confirmed for me that I had indeed made almost every mistake I could make, even if not in the most severe way possible.

Gordon's premise is that parents need training. He comes to this from a background in psychology and training. He first trained pilots, where he succeeded in replacing ineffective command and control methods of training with demonstrably more effective collaborative forms of training. Building on the theories and client-centered approach of his teacher and mentor Carl Rogers (On Becoming a Person, 1961), Gordon further developed his educational model in providing leadership training for an organization consulting company before returning to psychotherapy for children and families. In these beginnings lie the strength of PET. It is an eminently practical, yet solidly based therapeutic approach, honed by countless hours of classes dealing with the real problems of parents and children.

Gordon builds his model on three key principles: Active Listening, I-messages, and the No Lose Method of conflict resolution. These are not his invention, but these are essential and valuable concepts. In particular, Gordon's mentor Carl Rogers and his collaborator Richard Farson invented the term "Active Listening" and wrote an influential paper on the subject in 1957. Since then this idea has been used by many people in many fields. However, Gordon deserves credit for synthesizing these principles into a practical program for helping parents and children and popularizing them. Steven Covey, incidentally, uses these same three principles in his book, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." In fact, of all Covey's 7 habits, Habit 4, Empathic Listening, is probably the one that makes the most positive difference people's success in life, and this is simply Active Listening in another form.

The biggest eye-opener for me and probably for every parent, no matter how well informed or well intentioned, is the chapter "Parents are Persons not Gods." This lays out an undeniable characterization of parenting types and the "12 roadblocks to communication." After reading this, you will inevitably realize that you are, or have been, either a "winner" a "loser" or an "oscillator" depending on your parenting style and that you too have fallen into every trap that lies lurking for unwary parents. Not only that, that you will find you have used, at one time or another, every negative tactic available to control you child. You won't feel good about it, but you can be heartened by the fact that you are in the same boat as 99% of humanity. There is something relatively easy that you can do about it -- and you can start right now.

The 12 roadblocks deserve some attention -- a good exercise would be to be aware of your own use of these methods, not only with your children but with your spouse and colleagues at work. Briefly stated, the 12 roadblocks are:

* Ordering, directing, commanding -- telling the child to do something, giving him an order or command

* Warning, admonishing threatening -- telling the child what consequences will occur if she does something

* Exhorting, moralizing, preaching -- telling the child what he should or ought to do

* Advising, giving solutions, or suggestions -- telling the child how to solve a problem, providing answers or solutions for him

* Lecturing, teaching, giving logical arguments -- trying to influence the child with facts, logic, information, or your own opinions

* Judging, criticizing, disagreeing, blaming -- making a negative judgment of the child

* Praising, agreeing -- offering a positive evaluation or judgment, agreeing

* Name-calling, ridiculing, shaming -- making the child feel foolish, shaming her

* Interpreting, analyzing, diagnosing -- telling the child what her motives are, communicating that you have her figured out

* Reassuring, sympathizing, consoling, supporting -- trying to make the child feel better, talking him out of his feelings, denying the strength of his feelings

* Probing, questioning, interrogating -- trying to find reasons, motives, causes; searching for more information to help you solve the problem

* Withdrawing, distracting, humoring, diverting -- trying to get the child away from the problem; distracting the child, kidding him out of it, pushing the problem aside

Reflection will show you why these typical reactions are not helpful when your child has a problem: they all tend to shut down communication and prevent children from gaining confidence in solving problems for themselves. Instead, active listening is preferred. Gordon argues that listening to, acknowledging and truly understanding your children's feelings are far more effective than providing them with your own solution.

Gordon provides many examples of PET in practice -- what works and what doesn't. He addresses those common questions of how to discipline children and how to get the parent's needs satisfied as well as the child's. Gordon, in line with the evolutionary thinking of many of the visionaries and leaders in this field, such as Dr Spock (Baby and Child Care, 1946), Haim Ginnott (Between Parent and Child, 1956) and Alfie Kohn (Punished by Rewards, 1999) does not believe in strong parental control, including spanking, "time-outs," withdrawal of privileges, or rewards. These are all instruments of parental power. He worked with thousands of parents and became convinced that all but a small handful of parents hate to use power over their children and continue to use it anyway only because they have no experience in their own lives with people who use non-power methods of influence. The consequences of using parental power are severe. As Gordon puts it, ""more and more often, children fire their parents. As they move into adolescence kids dismiss their mothers and fathers, write them off, sever their relationships with them." This doesn't have to be. You can find many examples in these books and on the Internet where parents have successfully used Gordon's methods to maintain loving relationships with their children through to adulthood, even after making a bad start.

There are other gems in the mold of PET. For example, my personal favorite is "Playful Parenting," by Lawrence Cohen (2001) because one of his examples helped me understand something that I was completely missing and make a breakthrough in my relationship with my daughter. He believes in connection rather than separation - a "meeting-on-the-couch" rather than "a time-out." Surprisingly Gordon doesn't mention Haim Ginnot, the renowned child psychologist who wrote "Between Parent and Child," and who inspired a previous generation, although he does provide this book as a reference in his later book, "PET in Action." The latest edition does however acknowledge, in the suggested reading list, Faber and Mazlish, whose many contributions follow in Ginnot's tradition. It's interesting to read Ginnot for historical perspective, because his work was done in a time when spanking was the norm and children were meant to be "seen and not heard," But his book is inevitably dated and you would do better to spend the time with Faber and Mazlish.

In contrast, even in comparison with more recent books, the latest edition of Gordon's book does not appear dated in any significant way, and is totally relevant and actionable in today's world. As Gordon points out in the preface, the need for PET is greater than ever with more violence in the world, and perhaps Gordon's greatest contribution is to point out in a forceful and coherent way that peace starts in the home. He has helped spread this message to millions of parents in countries all over the world.

At the end of the book, Gordon talks about other adults in a child's life: "By and large, the adults who touch the lives of children lack the basic attitudes and skills to be effective helping agents. Like parents, they have not been adequately trained to be effective...and so, unhappily, they can do damage to your children." It is unlikely that you can do much to change the culture in which your children grow up, or the society of their peers. You can, however, fight some of the influences of school, TV, and video games. "Parents must get off the bench and go to bat to protect their children's civil rights whenever they are threatened by adults who feel that kids do not deserve such rights," says Gordon. By truly understanding our children's needs and becoming more effective parents, we can create a safe home and start repairing the damage.

This book could really change your life. If you're analytical and can get what you want from books, start with PET, which is a complete method and has a sound practical and theoretical basis. Or you might want to start with Faber and Mazlish, which is less structured, but is generally more accessible and easier to read. Of course, reading a single book once is not necessarily going to change anything, so if the only thing that works for you is to get the support and help of other people, then you might consider signing up for a PET course. It could well be worth it, because this stuff really works and may help you succeed in the most important job you have.

Graham Lawes
216 internautes sur 227 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 An ex-child's perspective of P.E.T. 28 novembre 2000
Par Joe Wilmot - Publié sur
My parents swear by P.E.T. They used its techniques with me when I was a child. I can't describe how nice it felt to be listened to, treated like an intelligent being, given the freedom to regulate my own behavior, to chose right from wrong and have credit for the outcome of my decisions (or to deal with the consequences). It taught me self-control. And it taught me that I control my behavior based on consideration for others, not because I fear punishment. Now, as an independent adult, that's the self-regulation that keeps me from commiting crimes or cheating others. I don't keep from doing bad things to others because I fear punishment (jail, being fired, etc.), I do it out of consideration for their feelings. I guess if I had to distill PET's message down to its core, it would be: Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you. Now that I'm an adult -- even though I don't have kids -- I've read the book several times and use the 'Gordon Model' with all my relationships. So does my girlfriend. Our relationship is the envy of all our friends. I like this book so much I just replaced my yellowed, dog-eared copy with the new 30th-anniversary edition.
33 internautes sur 33 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Incredible, life altering book! 12 mars 2008
Par Liora Pearlman - Publié sur
This is a fantastic book.

Especially good for those who are struggling with living up to our own ideals. Because I don't believe in being overly restrictive, and I do not spank, I struggle with my fear of being too permissive...and occasionally I AM too permissive...anyway, we often reach a boiling point where my kids literally drive me crazy and I say things or handle a situation in a way I definitely regret later. Basically I overreact.

This book is a lifesaver, with clearly defined terms, and ways of thinking about conflict that you can implement TODAY. Your family life will be forever changed...and as a matter of fact, by studying these principles you will quickly see improvements in other areas, too.

One section, beginning on page 143 did more to help me with my anger than all the other books I ever read put together! I highly recommend this book, for its psychological soundness and the depth of change it will make in all your intimate relationships.
44 internautes sur 47 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Great tool for communication 19 décembre 2001
Par Un client - Publié sur
This book was a great tool in helping me communicate better with my kids. Using this book in combination with Adele Faber's "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" and Matt Pasquinilli's "The Child Whisperer," I have developed cammunication lines with my children that I thought only existed on the Cosby Show.
While I liked the book, it was denser and less fun to read than the other two books I mentioned. It was a nice suppliment but in order of ease of reading and ease of implementation, I would suggest you buy "The Child Whisperer" first, then Faber's book, and then this book.
22 internautes sur 22 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Lasting skills 18 avril 2003
Par Un client - Publié sur
I first read PET about 30 years ago. It was simply quite stunning in its impact. I have used the skills over the years and found virtually 100% effective. I have heard my children successfully use "active listening", "I messages" and problem solving techiniques without knowing it. Training yourself to listen to people, honestly state your problems and ernestly try to solve problems to mutual benefit creates a good way to live.
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