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Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children & Teenagers Safe (And Parents Sane) (Anglais) CD – mai 1999

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--Ce texte fait référence à l'édition Broché.

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Descriptions du produit


The Search for Certainty

Friday was the one evening each week that Holly spent entirely with Kate, usually along with other mothers and their daughters met through Kate's school. This particular Friday, the plan was an early meal at a restaurant, followed by a movie. At dinner, the women were protective, as always, but they'd recently initiated a new freedom: letting the girls sit at a nearby table on their own. The tables were close enough for Holly to see that her daughter wasn't eating much—it interfered with talking—but she didn't bug Kate about that in front of her friends; she was eight now, old enough to be embarrassed.

If you took away their twenty-five-year age difference, Holly and her daughter were like twins: both slender with short dark hair and large blue eyes, both liked to talk and to laugh, and both loved movies. This particular Friday, their movie would be Jurassic Park. After dinner Holly decided to leave the car at the restaurant and take advantage of the extra-warm night by walking the two blocks to the theater with Kate. None of the other mothers chose to walk, one of them noting, "The sun will be down when we get out, and I don't want us to have to make our way back to the car in the dark." So Kate and Holly enjoyed the walk on their own.

At the theater, they joined the six other mothers and their seven daughters, who were already doing what Steven Spielberg has made worthwhile for millions of people: standing in line. A man ahead of them looked at Holly as if they knew each other. He was about thirty years old, tall and a little pudgy, with very short blond hair. He was wearing loose-fitting sweatpants and a too-small T-shirt with the words AFRAID OF THE DARK across the chest. Holly was sure they'd never met. Just as he appeared about to say something, she decided to turn away. At that moment, he asked her, "Ladies night out?"

"Uh-huh," Holly (sort of) responded. She was thinking about Jeff Goldblum, her favorite actor. To her, the dinosaurs would be only a distraction. The man had another question. Taking in all the mothers and daughters he asked, "What's the idea, safety in numbers?" Holly nodded, but she was thinking, Bug off. She wasn't sure why, but she knew she did not like him.

After the line, after the candy debates with the girls ("But we're still hungry!"), after the who'll-sit-next-to-who contest, and after all the mid-movie trips to the bathroom, the world was saved from prehistoric predators and the group was gathered in the lobby, saying goodnight. One of the other mothers offered Holly and Kate a ride to their car, but Holly declined: "It's just a couple of blocks and even after that film, I'm not afraid of the dark." As she heard herself saying those words, she felt apprehension about walking, just a soft whisper that said Don't—so she changed her mind and accepted the ride.

At that moment, Kate needed to use the bathroom (again), so the other girls piled into the van and waited. Keeping an eye on the bathroom door and an eye on the anxious-to-leave kids, Holly overruled that soft whisper and concluded that the logical thing to do was walk back to her car. It didn't make sense to keep everybody waiting, and anyway, she thought, I don't want to be one of those people who's scared to walk a couple of blocks.

She called out to the mother driving the van: "Hey, we'll just walk."

"You sure?"

"Yep." But the moment the van pulled out of the parking lot, Holly wasn't sure anymore. She was uneasy about that man, that man she didn't like in line. Not much to be concerned about, she told herself, but as she and Kate walked along the quiet street, past closed shops and empty parking lots, Holly felt something unfamiliar to her, but also unmistakable: fear, fear of that man. But she wondered why. Maybe he'd been within earshot when she'd declined the ride and registered that they'd be walking; that might be part of it. He appeared to be attending the movie alone, and that might have been part of it. He was intrusive and looked at her strangely, and that was definitely part of it, but even without knowing all the reasons, Holly listened to her fear. When Kate said something about their neighbor's dog looking like a dinosaur, Holly laughed but was really just taking an opportunity to throw her head back and look down the street. Bad news: That man was following them.

Should she run? Cross the street? Scream? Just as she started to consider these options, fear took over and said, in effect, Do what I tell you to do, and I'll get you both through this. Holly put her hand on Kate's arm and sped up slightly. Though she didn't know it, fear was readying her body for action: Blood flow in her arms and legs was increasing, lactic acid was heating up in her muscles, her vision was becoming more focused, her breathing and heartbeat more determined. To prepare her for any possibility, fear gave her a dose of the chemical cortisol. Cortisol would help her blood clot more quickly in the event of injury.

For a hundred yards, Holly tried not to let her daughter know there was a problem, but the child knew. "Mom, why—"

"There's a strange man following us and I want to get to the car in a hurry."

"Let's run!" Kate said adventurously, but Holly held her daughter's arm firmly in response. Fear had put a solid plan in her head: Do not run because then he'll have to run after you, and he'll be faster than you and Kate. When you reach the car, unlock it with the key instead of the remote control because the remote control would unlock all the doors and you want to unlock only one. Put Kate in the driver's-side door and have her climb over to her seat. Then get in yourself, lock the door, hold down the horn while starting the car, and drive away.

Most of that happened according to plan, but as she stood waiting for Kate to get across the inside of the car, the man was already at the passenger door. Holly looked directly at him over the roof of her car. Though no words were spoken, they were communicating. The man's communication was basically this: You are my victim, and Holly's response was, No, actually, I'm not.

Holly heard the latch as the man tried to open Kate's door: once, twice, and then he gave up. He walked calmly around toward the driver's-side door. By then, Holly was in her seat, watching him get closer. Before she could swing her legs into the car, the man was upon her. He was occupied mostly with trying to control her legs, which were kicking powerfully. Holly watched her own impressive resistance with some detachment because she was trying to figure out the origin of a constant loud noise.

Then she realized she was holding down the button for the car horn, just as fear had told her to do. Loud as it was, she still heard a soft whisper in her head: Ignition key.

While her legs kicked, she regarded the key, amazed to find herself thinking about sticking it into this man's eyes. She felt no great rush to act because his full attention was on trying to gain control of her uncontrollable legs, and that wasn't going to happen. Holly worried that he might have a gun, but fear interrupted her with an assurance she accepted: He does not. His face was right in front of her, and here is what Holly was thinking: I don't want to stick a key into someone's eye. I don't want to hurt him that badly. On the other hand, he obviously plans to hurt me, and I have to protect Kate. If I stick a key in his eye, he'll stop this, but I really don't want to blind a person. Obviously though, I'm not going to let him hurt Kate.

All this thinking was moot. That's because as Holly was going over her options, it turns out she already had stuck the key into the man's eye, and already had placed it into the ignition. She had already started the car, and the man was already sitting on the ground beside the open door doing what men do when something sharp is stuck in their eye.

The force of the car accelerating caused Holly's door to slam, and immediately, there was silence. That is when she stopped thinking about what to do and slowly realized she'd already done it.

"Mom, your seat belt's not on."

Holly took Kate's hand to reassure her that they were safe. Without any panic, she explained, "That man tried to get in our car without asking for permission, and I didn't let him. Do you understand?"

"I understand, but you forgot to put on your seat belt."

Holly put on her seat belt, amazed to see that her daughter had gotten into the car and followed the usual procedure, trusting that she was safe while her mother handled that man.

What an odd experience, Holly thought—not frightening or terrible, but almost calm. Too awful to imagine sticking a sharp object deep into someone's eye, but not, it turned out, so bad to actually do it. Each time she went over the experience, the word that came into her head was "natural." You attack me when I'm with my little girl, and you get the natural consequence. In fact, she thought the man got away kind of lucky because she could have stuck him in both eyes.

That's when she realized she had stuck him in both eyes.

When Holly recounted all this to me months after it occurred, we were standing in the hallway of a television studio where I'd just finished a news interview. I had discussed the fact that violence almost always has detectable pre-incident indicators that we recognize intuitively. Intuition sends many messengers to warn us, messengers such as doubt, suspicion, apprehension, and hesitation, but the most urgent—and often the most valuable—is fear. I had said that true fear is a gift because it is a survival signal that sounds in the presence of danger. "Of course, you're an expert on all that," I told Holly.

"Yes, I am," she said with some pride.

"Why do you think your intuition assured you that he didn't have a gun?"

"Well, he was wearing loose sweat pants, which probably didn't have a waistband strong enough to hold a gun—and his T-shirt was tight, so I'd have seen one. Also, if he had a gun, why would he have fought with me? But these are theories on my part because I don't really know for certain."

Holly had obviously given this a lot of thought, and her theories made sense. I asked if she had any regrets about what happened to her assailant.

"No. He got into something very dangerous: attacking a woman with her child. Maybe if I'd been alone, he wouldn't have been injured so badly, I don't know. But if you attack a mother with her child, well, you've got to expect some serious consequences. It's only natural."

That's exactly what it is, and Holly had experienced firsthand what every mother in nature knows on some level: that she is well equipped to protect her offspring from just about anything. This natural ability is deep, brilliant, powerful. Nature's greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is stunningly efficient when its host is at risk, but when one's child is at risk, it moves to a whole new level, one we can justifiably call miraculous.

The brain built for protecting our children was field-tested for millions of years in the wild. I call it the wild brain, in contrast with the logic brain so many people revere. The logic brain couldn't do a thing for Holly once the situation became critical. The logic brain is plodding and unoriginal. It is burdened with judgment, slow to accept reality, and spends valuable energy thinking about how things ought to be, used to be, or could be. The logic brain has strict boundaries and laws it wants to obey, but the wild brain obeys nothing, conforms to nothing, answers to nobody, and will do whatever it takes. It is unfettered by emotion, politics, politeness, and as illogical as the wild brain may sometimes seem, it is, in the natural order of things, completely logical. It just doesn't care to convince us of anything by using logic. In fact, it doesn't give a damn what we think.

To tap into this resource, to reinvest in our intuition, to know how to avoid danger, to know, for example, whom to keep our children away from, we must listen to internal warnings while they are still whispers. The voice that knows all about how to protect children may not always be the loudest, but it is the wisest.

A generation ago, in The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care, Dr. Benjamin Spock told parents that they already possessed most of the important knowledge about their children's health. Similarly, when it comes to predicting violence and protecting children, I submit that you already know most of what you need to know. You have the wisdom of the species, and the expert voice that matters most is yours. Yet, society has trained us to believe that we don't know the answers, that professionals know what's best and that good parents listen to them. As a result, we have come to believe that we will find certainty outside ourselves. We won't, of course, but we can find the illusion of certainty, particularly if that's what we're willing to settle for.

When the principal tells us our concerns are baseless, when the other parents insist there's no problem, when we're assured that the school-bus driver is a good guy, when the baby-sitter seems great to everyone else, our hesitation may be the only thing that stands between us and a fraudulent feeling of certainty. That hesitation stands there for a reason, and we won't always find the reason with logic. Remember, it was Holly's logic brain that convinced her to ignore the whisper, to disregard the apprehension she felt at the theater. It was her wild brain that made up for the error.

Mothers are frequently required to interpret signals they get from the wild brain. This can be complex because the world of risk to our children is not a flat world whose edges are within view, but a round one with horizons we cannot easily see beyond. It is a world of so many possible risks that two miracles occur every day with most every child and most every parent: The kids survive, and the parents retain their sanity.

It may have been a long while since you pondered what you could stick into a wall outlet: a hairpin? A spoon handle? Might fit. Musings such as these suddenly matter to the new parent. By the time we're old enough to have children, we've developed quite a list of life's dangers, but new parents can throw that list away and prepare for one so extensive they'll need an index. It must include not only the topic of these pages—violence and predators—but also elements of life as universal as water and gravity. The list must include electricity, yarn, heat, cold, plastic bags, stairs, sprinkler heads, doors, drawers, appliances, pencils, cleaning products, rocking chairs, bottle caps, staples, medicine, and marbles. Every danger you have overcome and mastered in your entire life, every safety concern you long ago abandoned, now returns to your consciousness.

Babies themselves teach parents to be watchful. Tom, a new father, told me that whenever his baby daughter has a choice, she'll follow the most dangerous course: "The best toy imaginable could be in front of her, but if there's also a red hot wire coming out of the wall, that's what she'll grab every time. It's as if she has an instinct to pursue the riskiest thing available. This skill of hers has made us very alert."

As children grow up, a parent's longing for certainty grows even stronger. "I just want to be sure the park is safe; I just want to be sure she won't be waiting in front of the school by herself; I just want to be sure he'll be supervised at the beach; I just want to be sure that boy will drive carefully."

And you can't be sure. There are, however, things you can be certain about. You can be certain every important decision is made with the best information. You can be certain you've educated yourself, certain you've made the best choice possible with the time and resources available. Above all, you can be certain you will listen to yourself, certain you'll give your hesitations a moment's consideration rather than later regret that you didn't. You can be certain you do not deny or discount intuition, the best resource nature gave you.

Yes, of course, anything can happen. You could hear of a great camp for your son and confirm that the camp conducts background checks on its counselors, you could talk to parents whose children have gone there summer after summer, take comfort in the camp's policy that its personnel are never alone with individual boys, be pleased with the results of your inquiry at the state licensing agency, feel good after meeting the priest who's run the place for twenty-five years, pack off your boy for his adventure, and then a tree branch could fall into the barbecue pit, sending an ember down the cowboy shirt of the guy singing folksongs and as he reels, the neck of his guitar could hit your son in the forehead, endowing him with his first stitch (courtesy of the nurse you confirmed the camp employed).

When you get that call, you needn't lament, "Oh God, I should have checked to see if there were any weak branches above the barbecue pit."

The search for certainty starts and ends within yourself—for example, every time you are open to receive information about your daughter's new boyfriend, conclude he's okay, and then don't torture yourself while she's out on a date. Greater certainty is yours for the taking after you visit the parents of your son's friend at their home, feel good about the sleepover, and approve it.

There is also a role for faith in all this. Ultimately, no matter how well you come to know the parents of your son's new friend, you'll need to have faith that the dad won't drink too much before driving the boys home from a movie. But we decide where to invest our faith and we must invest some of it in ourselves. That means being willing to hesitate even when it's inconvenient, unpopular, or downright rude. Can you imagine canceling the sleepover at the very last moment because of a feeling that something's not right? I hope you can.

If you think the dad might drive drunk, there's probably a reason you think it, and it's worth exploring for a moment. If you think there might be a collection of unsecured guns at their home, your hesitation makes sense. You see, it's one thing to never get a warning about some risk to our children; it's quite another to get a signal and then ignore it. You can be certain you will listen to yourself, because that's up to you. You may conclude on further consideration that your hesitation wasn't called for—but you can give at least a brief consideration to every signal from your wild brain.

That brain is already hardwired with amazing forethought about protecting your children. Take closing the car door, for example. The whole process is broken down to its elements: the exact spot where you place your hand, the leverage you might need to slow or stop the door after it's moving, the amount of energy you use, the amount you hold back. For years, you have pushed a car door and walked away, been several steps off by the time it latched, but now you are right there the whole while, ensuring that no part of your child comes between the door and the car. Everything is different when you have children. --Ce texte fait référence à l'édition Broché .

Revue de presse

"Gavin de Becker has done it again—this time for kids. Protecting the Gift provides practical solutions for keeping youngsters safe....A brilliant lesson in prevention."—Ken Wooden, leading child advocate, author of Child Lures

"A must for all parents raising children in an increasingly violent society."—FBI behavioral scientist Robert Ressler

"Everyone in contact with children should read this important book. It can help save lives."—Publishers Weekly, starred review

"Dynamic, inspiring and practical... and an entertaining and gripping read. This is a must read for every parent or anyone who cares for kids."—Ellen Snortland, author of Beauty Bites Beast: Awakening the Warrior Within Women and Girls --Ce texte fait référence à l'édition Broché .

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Détails sur le produit

  • CD
  • Editeur : Bantam Books-Audio; Édition : Abridged (mai 1999)
  • Langue : Anglais
  • ISBN-10: 0553456148
  • ISBN-13: 978-0553456141
  • Dimensions du produit: 2,5 x 14 x 12,7 cm
  • Moyenne des commentaires client : 5.0 étoiles sur 5  Voir tous les commentaires (1 commentaire client)
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Format: Broché Achat vérifié
Quand on est parent, la sécurité de ses enfants est une préoccupation majeure. Ce livre s'appuie sur des exemples concrets et donne des solutions faciles à mettre en œuvre. Il aide à prendre conscience de l'absurdité de certaines injonctions qu'on peut donner aux enfants : "ne parle jamais à des inconnus", "va faire la bise à la dame" etc. Surtout il nous apprend que l'enfant est un acteur important de sa propre sécurité, qu'il faut faire confiance à son instinct.

C'est vraiment un livre important à lire, même si le sujet abordé est anxiogène, l'approche de l'auteur n'est pas du tout alarmiste. Il montre qu'au final il est relativement facile de prendre les mesures nécessaires pour éviter autant que possible les prédateurs.
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Commentaires client les plus utiles sur Amazon.com (beta)

Amazon.com: 245 commentaires
87 internautes sur 96 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Don't Procrastinate! 30 avril 2002
Par Kym - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Broché
I hate reading anything that makes me feel anxious and initially this book sat on the shelf for weeks before I actually picked it up. I was so glad I did because there is such valuable information in here and I actually feel better about my child's safety than I did before.
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe and Parents Sane is about how to teach your child to trust her instincts when it comes to safety. Since 90% of child abuse and abductions occur by people well-known to your child, teaching her to talk to strangers just doesn't work. Instead, the author gives you detailed and logical steps to take, starting as early as toddlerhood, so you'll know how to help your child learn to follow her instincive feelings about whether someone is safe or not.
Crucial information about how to be prepared for (God forbid but we should all be prepared just in case) the event that your child may be seperated from you in public. Examples include making a daily detailed mental note of the clothing your child is wearing, keeping large photocopies of your child's picture and name in your purse/wallet so you can hand them out to security personel within seconds of your child's disappearance and an action plan for immediate implementation.
There is SO much in this book - every bit of it worth reading so you can protect your child - and I can't recommend it strongly enough. Read it NOW and be prepared.
39 internautes sur 41 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Some good info, but take with a large grain of salt 2 novembre 2012
Par Aaron Thompson - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Broché
I would like to start off by saying that, had I read just the first couple chapters, I would have given the book one star. I think it's important to read the whole book before reviewing.

There were things I liked about the book, and other things I did not. I will start off with the positives.

The author explains in detail the signs that someone is trying to manipulate you, which can be applied to fraud, sexual predators, kidnappers, etc. They boil down to Forced Teaming, Charm and Niceness, Too Many Details, Typecasting, Loan-Sharking, The Unsolicited Promise, and Discounting the word "No". I won't go through each of these. You'll have to read the book for that.

The author talks about how the "never talk to strangers" rule is harmful to children. He says on p.82, "In addition to the fact that it doesn't work, The Rule actually reduces safety in several ways. One is that within the message Never Talk to Strangers (because they may harm you) is the implication that people you know will not harm you."

He offers really good questions to ask babysitters, nannies, daycare, school, and doctors.

He feels it is very important to teach your child about touch, the body, boundaries, communication, assertiveness, and sovereignty over the body. I was very pleased to see this, as I have always been told that kids who know these things are far less likely to be abused. It concerns me when parents label their child's vulva/vagina "cookie" or something similar. Imagine, "Teacher, Johnny touched my cookie." Doesn't sound very alarming, does it? Replace it with, "Teacher, Johnny touched my vulva." That gets a lot more attention.

He is supportive of victims of sexual abuse. On p. 199 he says, "When a victim tells her story and people respond with You-Should-have-done-this or You-should-never-have-done-that, they are often adding to the victimization." Victims should never be made to feel like it was their fault in some way, and people often do this.

He talks about media and society's influence on the way men and women (and teenage boys and girls) relate to each other and how damaging it is. On p. 203, he says media often portrays it as, "Boy Wants Girl, Girl Doesn't Want Boy, Boy Persists and Harasses Girl, Boy Gets Girl." Women are expected to let men down easily when they should be clear. Men need to listen to the word no.

He goes into detail about the dangers of guns in the home and bullies at school. He favors a no-tolerance policy at school or having a safety committee of parents to evaluate each threat. I fully support this.

The author advises how to detect warning signs that a child is being abused, and encourages each one of us, and all of us as a society, to be advocates for children.

I felt like there were a lot of positives, but with that were several things I didn't like about the book. Here are what I felt were the negatives.

The author comes off very strongly in support of following our intuition, especially in the first couple chapters. I believe that some people have a natural intuition, and others do not. I also believe it can be harmful to rely too much on intuition. That's why I enjoyed his explanation of signs someone is out to manipulate you. Here are a couple quotes from the author:

"Since the overwhelming majority of people we encounter will not hurt our children, that is just what our intuition correctly concludes almost all of the time. Accordingly, when we don't trust someone, it's different from our typical experience--and thus noteworthy." p. 27

"[...]a woman is standing with her young daughter waiting for an elevator and when the doors open she sees a man inside who causes her apprehension. Since she is not usually afraid, her feeling may be because of his scruffy appearance or the way he looks at her--it doesn't matter why. The point is, she gets a feeling of fear." p. 39

With this attitude, there is a very high chance people will base their fears off of prejudices. I fully support basing feelings of fear off the way a person acts, even if very subtle (this is where intuition comes in), but when we base it off of appearance alone, we will begin to fear the homeless guy just for being homeless, the punk just for having facial piercings, and the black man, just because he is different from us. It has happened in the past and continues to happen today.

He claims that we can always know when fear is warranted, and says, "True fears and unwarranted fears may at times feel the same, but you can tell them apart. True fear is a gift that signals us in the presence of danger; thus, it will be based upon something you perceive in your environment or your circumstance, Unwarranted fear or worry will always be based upon something in your imagination or your memory." p. 54 According to The Anxiety Network, as much as 5% of the population suffers from panic attacks (including myself), which is a pretty significant number, yet, the author does not address it. Panic disorder completely messes up this understanding between fear and worry, because our bodies create a fear response when there shouldn't be one. The first time I had a panic attack, I ended up in the emergency room thinking I was having a heart attack. If that wasn't unwarranted fear that portrayed itself as a true danger, I don't know what is.

He seems anti-man at times, which I understand is due to the fact that most predators are male, but at the same time, most men are not predators. One woman talked about how a man she saw at the park seemed like a child molester. The author said, "I asked if she felt bad for having falsely accused the man in her mind. Nope. Did the experience make her reluctant to judge people so quickly in the future? Nope. Even though he turned out to be just an other parent, did she regret her suspiciousness? Nope. I praised her for her self confidence." p. 149 I do believe this takes it a bit too far. Many will say, "What's more important? Protecting the child or protecting the man's ego?" But I will argue that in being quick to accuse a man of seeming like a child molester can very well harm the children we are aiming to protect. How? Let me give you an example. My husband was taking a walk and came across a child on her porch in just a diaper in the middle of winter. She was locked out. He considered just walking on, because he was AFRAID OF BEING SEEN AS A CHILD MOLESTER by getting involved! Luckily, he did help the child, but how many men wouldn't, because of the stigma of men being involved with unrelated children? Instead, I think we need to be looking at each individual man for true signs, not just assuming any man near a park is a child molester.

The author discusses a boy he bullied in high school, and when the victim snapped, he talked about what would bring the boy to snap rather than what would bring him to bully. He then accused the victim of having autism, something I doubt he is qualified to decide. He also has many outdated autism stereotypes at the end of the book, some of which could be true for an individual autistic person, but certainly not true as a whole, as autistic people are as different from each other as anyone is.

Lastly, the author has NO footnotes or references whatsoever. I find this a bit alarming. How am I supposed to know whether the statistics he quotes check out or not? There are many authors who skew things to favor their point of view, and without footnotes, I'm afraid the author may be doing this.

All in all, I'm glad I read the book, but I took it with a very large grain of salt.
57 internautes sur 65 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
If you care about kids, you should read this book! 13 juillet 1999
Par Un client - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
Gavin De Becker's new book is a valuable and important extension of his excellent "The Gift of Fear." I teach high school psychology and had my classes read TGOF, which proved to be an eye-opening, empowering tool for teenagers. "Protecting the Gift" expands on these ideas by specifically focusing on child and teenager safety. While I agree with some minor criticisms that the new book repeats some older material, the repeated material is worth hearing again, and the new book provides the most thoughtful and specific advice I have heard on how to talk to children about self-protection. As I new parent, I am grateful for De Becker's instructions. My own parents are wonderful, but as I suspect is true of the vast majority of families, they never talked to me as a child about how to recognize, prevent, and report sexual abuse--or how to trust my intuition and say no to adults in any number of questionable circumstances. By teaching us how to engage in this dialogue, De Becker is doing the public a great service!
44 internautes sur 50 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Buy it for yourself and those who take care of your child 14 novembre 2003
Par Craig Stephans - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Broché
While expecting our first baby and then as new parents, my wife and I received loads of excellent advice from friends and family regarding childbirth, doctors, baby-care, day-care, formula brands, etc. Last week, as a father with 8 weeks of experience in parenting, I had my first opportunity to offer advice to an expectant parent. I suggested she visit two day care centers I had liked, visit the pediatrician my wife and I chose, and read Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker.

Gavin de Becker makes his living predicting and preventing violent behavior. His firm provides security and consultation to celebrities, athletes, world leaders, the CIA, U. S. Supreme Court and other security organizations around the world.

In Protecting the Gift, de Becker introduces parents to startling statistics revealing the violent reality of our culture: one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually molested by the time they reach adulthood; 90 percent of sexual abuse is committed by someone the child knows; the most common age that sexual abuse begins is when the child is three years old. Most parents live with a mindset that denies or ignores this reality. But as de Becker shows in his book, our children are living in this reality everyday.

De Becker's purpose in this book is two-fold: 1) to hit parents in the face with the real dangers awaiting children, and 2) to teach parents how to avoid fruitless worry and to take meaningful steps to protect children. On both points, de Becker succeeds.

Parents are raising children during an age when an FBI child-pornography sting indicts teachers, coaches, pastors and judges. It is an age of guns and date-rape drugs. At the same time, many parents experience an urgent need for help in raising children, often from the age of six-weeks onward. Parents look for family, day care workers, sitters, schools, nannies and friends to provide support in raising children. How can parents assure their children's safety?

De Becker addresses this question by first focusing on the fact that violent behavior can be predicted. The book teaches that children can be taught skills to avoid dangerous situations and people. He emphasizes the development and use of intuition as a parent's key resource in recognizing threats. He cites numerous stories of people avoiding harm by listening to intuition and others who ignored intuition and became victims.
De Becker shares many practical lessons. He teaches what to look for in safe child-care workers and sitters. He lists the signs that indicate a dangerous stranger versus a friendly stranger. He also illustrates ways that well-meaning parents do things that increase a child's vulnerabilities.

The Bible teaches that wolves dress in sheep's clothing and that evil-doers masquerade as angels of light. Nothing fits this description more precisely than a sexual predator of children. De Becker teaches that pedophiles and rapists often gain the confidence of their victims through being overly "nice" and "helpful." They have to do this. How else can a pedophile convince parents to trust him or her with their children. Over and over, we see that pedophiles go to where they can have access to children and, like chameleons, blend in perfectly.
I think people in the church today are especially susceptible to this type of criminal, because the presence of evil has been downplayed and we are usually willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and accept them at face-value. De Becker shows parents how to remove doubt and to know who can and cannot be trusted.

There are several other topics in this book that I think are important to parents. The book cover summarizes one of de Becker's purposes in writing it: "By showing what danger really looks like-as opposed to what we might imagine it looks like-de Becker gives parents freedom from many common worries and unwarranted fears."

A lasting impression I take from the book is that the people with whom I and my family interact are who they are not who I want them to be. I know that some people are influenced by perverse and evil desires aimed at children. Because of this truth, I think it is important that parents read this book. I also suggest that adults, especially women, read de Becker's bestseller The Gift of Fear.

Craig Stephans, author of Shakespeare On Spirituality: Life-Changing Wisdom from Shakespeare's Plays
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"The Gift of Fear"...rehashed 10 juin 1999
Par Un client - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Cassette
I am a big fan of Gavin De Becker. I found "The Gift of Fear" helpful, intelligent and, often, frighteningly insightful. I have recommended it many times. That said, I am sad to report that I think it extremely misleading to present "Protecting The Gift" as a new book. Anecdotes aren't just warmed over, they're served up word for word. Whole chunks of chapters are identical to the first book, with only subjects changed to refer to parents and children rather than to adults. I rushed to buy this book and my advice is, if you have the first one, don't bother. As honorable as De Becker's mission seems to be, I'd say his editor and publisher are responsible for a pretty major consumer rip-off. Only the appendices seem new
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