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Setting BoundariesTM with Your Adult Children (English Edition) [Format Kindle]

Allison Bottke , Carol Kent

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Descriptions du produit

Présentation de l'éditeur

This important and compassionate new book from the creator of the successful God Allows U-Turns series will help parents and grandparents of the many adult children who continue to make life painful for their loved ones.

Writing from firsthand experience, Allison identifies the lies that kept her, and ultimately her son in bondage—and how she overcame them. Additional real life stories from other parents are woven through the text.

A tough–love book to help readers cope with dysfunctional adult children, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children will empower families by offering hope and healing through S.A.N.I.T.Y.—a six–step program to help parents regain control in their homes and in their lives.

  • S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of Money
  • A = Assemble a Support Group
  • N = Nip Excuses in the Bud
  • I = Implement Rules/Boundaries
  • T = Trust Your Instincts
  • Y = Yield Everything to God

Foreword by Carol Kent (When I Lay My Isaac Down)

Détails sur le produit

  • Format : Format Kindle
  • Taille du fichier : 876 KB
  • Nombre de pages de l'édition imprimée : 225 pages
  • Pagination - ISBN de l'édition imprimée de référence : 0736921354
  • Editeur : Harvest House Publishers (1 février 2008)
  • Vendu par : Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Langue : Anglais
  • ASIN: B003FPN3WY
  • Synthèse vocale : Activée
  • X-Ray :
  • Word Wise: Non activé
  • Classement des meilleures ventes d'Amazon: n°257.322 dans la Boutique Kindle (Voir le Top 100 dans la Boutique Kindle)
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Commentaires client les plus utiles sur (beta) 4.5 étoiles sur 5  299 commentaires
309 internautes sur 319 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 ~ LIFE CHANGING ~ 31 juillet 2008
Par Carol Wall - Publié sur
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
One day I was sitting in my recliner, not having a pity party, but just evaluating my life. I have a son who is a successful doctor. Another owns his own plumbing company. Another is sought after in the field of computer programming.

I also have two grown children that I sometimes refer to as my "gifts- that just keep on giving". These 'kids' are 32 (my youngest son) and 36 years old (my husband's bipolar daughter who is also on street drugs). If ever the Lord has spoken to me (and I know He has) was this day. Thoughts were flowing. "I don't know what NORMAL is. I tried to envision what it would be like to have a family gathering where my functioning kids could interact with the two 'outsiders'. What would it be like to not cringe when the phone rings with the next drama, to plan a vacation for me and my husband where we could just go and have a GREAT TIME without worrying about which one of them were having a crisis! I went on to the realization that "I am all USED UP. There is no more. There is NO joy in my life. No smiles. No laughter. No fun. No hope". Just me, waiting for the next round. My functioning children don't even KNOW me anymore because I have been so consumed with the two that require my time, energy, money and support.

Keep in mind, this was NOT a depressing awakening. It was LIBERATING! But I realized I needed a support system because it wasnt going to be easy to keep from falling back into my routine of "fixing" everything for every one else. I started looking for reading material and am so thankful that I ran across this book. I empathized with the author about her son - she and I shared the same feelings and some of the same experiences. The entire book just clarified to me what I needed to do to REALLY help these children. It reinforced the fact that this is not a selfish thing I am doing- it is the MOST GIVING,MOST LOVING, MOST UN-SELFISH thing I can do for my grown children - to quit trying to protect my grown kids from themselves and their consistent poor choices. I had been giving them just enough leash to see them get close to the fire and then I'd step in and try to salvage their lives. That day, I unhooked the leash and my grown kids are free to go. They know I love them but I am not available for any more drama caused by their irrational behavior and their poor choices. I am starting to live a life where I actually laugh a lot, I smile a lot, I am a fun, kind, thoughtful, interesting person and I have a LOT to give.

This book gives you the reinforcement you need wherever you presently are on your road to 'recovery'. I can honestly say that I have never read a book on this subject that so captivates me - every single page has reinforcement or encouragement or useful suggestions or motivation on how to make life begin again for YOU and also for the grown child who is getting ready to find out that it is time for him/her to grow up and take responsibility for their own decisions. I'm smiling as I write this because I know I'll never go back to those days and I have great hope for my son and step-daughter. They are in the shock stage right now - we're watching for signs that they will catch the next wind and soar like eagles. If they don't soar the first time, we'll be happy with just a flapping of wings. But they're going back to their OWN nest this time.

88 internautes sur 97 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
3.0 étoiles sur 5 Not all adult children need love this tough! 15 août 2011
Par Jean - Publié sur
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
I do think there is a lot of good information here and I am sorry but being honest to say that it so relieved me in comparison to my situation that I was counting my blessings . But keep in mind, if your child is not a drug addict wanted for murder you may not need to get as tough with your boundaries as the author did. I recently was given some very insightful professional input that basically recognized that my son had suffered through much heartbreak mental and physical and that even though he had moved back in ,acting entitled,angry and like a classic prodigal (wasteful living), abruptly setting harsh boundaries could push us both into something that could take years to mend! I read a blog where the topic was how to re-establish a relationship with estranged children. There is a middle ground between being an enabling door mat and causing a rift that can not be mended. The great advice I was given that worked in my case was to slowly start setting limits. I knew I could do this. So I read this book and some others and made my gentle action plan to begin by not paying my son for yard work anymore. I told him he didn't have enough cash to contribute to the household so his contribution would now be mowing etc. our half acre. He's on a family share plan for the cell phone and I told him any week it wasn't done the cell would be turned off. I also told him any drama over lacking gas money or those kind of things would not get him any money anymore. I set the limit with calm intent when nothing was going on... Ready for the drama when it comes. For those of you with a son on the most wanted list you may get more from the book than I did.
83 internautes sur 94 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Dealing with your adult (children not necessarily) 17 mai 2008
Par Pat Hollingworth - Publié sur
I was listening to Neil Boran one day and he spoke about giving..I wanted to know as a Christian - when do you "stop" giving - and he highly recommended this book "Bottoke"..sorry just can't think of the name right now and I lent it to my sister. We have had a family crisis for almost 4 years now where we have been supporting our brother (50 years) and it is going nowhere. He continues to be destructive, critical about the world, and does not take responsibility for "his" responsibilities. He continues to make things worse for him and his sisters (6) have been picking up the pieces...this book brought great insight into the situation, it made me realize that I need to trust God for his well being, I am part of the problem..and now sharing with my other sisters who continue to "feel" sorry for our brother. It does not help him and I have now taken a firm stance with the understanding that God does not "expect" me to take on my brother's responsibilities..yes we help, we love, we try guidance and support but enough is enough because when he does not listen - it becomes our fault..and it is true. We enable them to depend on our support and they can do as they please as there are no consequences for their actions. God needs to be his support not me or my sisters..( my brother is a Christian and has been longer then I have). His actions and behaviours were confusing me in my own walk with the Lord and it was scaring this book has brought me guidance, support, comfort and action on how to deal with this. Most of all it helped me deal with my guilt and build my "trust". True love of someone - sometimes will hurt terribly, but ultimately I am trusting the Lord that what ever my brother's ends/situation will be - it is between "him" and God..and I hold on that God always works things to the better..
I highly recommend this book for young parents who are having difficulties with their teenagers,young adult children..even young should be read prior to their children getting older..because as parents "love" and doing is not enough..we have lost the ability to "teach" and sometimes teaching/learning is difficult, painful...nothing worthwhile is without pain and hard work...the Lord has taught us that and that you will find in this book in a manner that is practical and usable in today's world...great stuff...
59 internautes sur 67 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 WOW! what a God-send! 2 avril 2008
Par Nancy C. Anderson - Publié sur
My 22 year old son is still living at home and is basically a good guy, but this book opened my eyes to some things I was doing that are very DESTRUCTIVE. Allison's story helped me see that I have to get tough NOW in order to prevent our small problems from becoming son-eating monsters.

I have begun to implement her SANITY formula and it's magic! There was resistance at first, but once he knew we were NOT KIDDING, he rose to the challenges.

Allison is my hero because she's willing to share the painful story of her son's fall into drugs and prison so that her readers can learn from her mistakes.

I thank God for Allison and this book. "Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children" is a life-changer!
35 internautes sur 43 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
3.0 étoiles sur 5 Misclassified: Belongs in Religion category. Heavy on prayer, faith, Bible excerpts; light on practical advice 12 mai 2012
Par itsjustme - Publié sur
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
The author states in the intro to Part I: "I also need to make it clear that my perspective as a parent in pain is that of a Christian parent in pain." She continues: "I invite readers of all faiths to learn how to set the necessary boundaries you'll need to survive as a parent of an adult child in crisis, but it's my belief that a critical part of any enduring solution will be found in a firm trust in God along the way. Long ago I discovered that God knows our pain. One can scarcely read the gospel..." etc.

To say this book is Christianity-based is a gross understatement. But to say she invites "readers of all faiths" is a gross misstatement. There is scarcely a page in the entire 218 page book that does not mention (Christian) God or prayer, or contain Christian Bible (NKJV) verses and other scripture quotes. The cliche "Let go and let God" is overused throughout.

I agree with several other reviewers (whose reviews have been mostly buried amongst others here) that the book is heavily religious, specifically, Christianity-based. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. To many Christians, especially those who have wandered from or forgotten their faith, it can provide inspiration and reminders to return to that faith. But if you are of another religion, or atheist or agnostic, I guarantee this book will annoy you.

The main problem I had with the book was that it fell short on practical advice, providing a little helpful information (basically: make rules, enforce them, stop giving money), then falling back on the nebulous "surrender to God" and "pray about it" advice rather than following through with concrete information to complete the solution/s. For example, she suggests writing a contract and having the adult child sign it as an absolutely essential step. But she provides no advice or solutions - not even recognizing the possibility - for the adult child who refuses to sign. Then she briefly mentions that in certain circumstances it is necessary to go through an eviction process ... but providing zero information about where to start with that.

Other reviewers have also noted accurately that the book deals largely with issues surrounding/stemming from substance abuse. It is understandable that this would be a subject dear to the author's heart, since it is the root of her own son's problems. However, I wish she had spent more time researching/delving into other boundary issues, rather than skimming over them so lightly. I also wish she had spent more time dealing with issues related to female adult children (I think there were perhaps one or two examples of daughters, pregnancy-related in both cases; the rest were about sons).

Overall, my takeaway from this book was this: 1) You are not alone. Many other parents are in the same boat. 2) How to recognize if you are enabling. 3) Just stop it. 4) Join a support group, in person or online. 5) Pray. 6) Pray. 7) Read your Bible. 8) Pray. 9) Pray some more. 10) Read your Bible some more. 11) Pray some more. 12) Keep praying.

If you are a devout Christian, or you are a not-so-devout Christian and you want/need a reminder to return to your faith as the ultimate solution to the issues facing you as a parent of a difficult adult child, get this book. Your faith will be renewed, and you may feel much more hopeful by the time you finish. You won't find many concrete answers in this book (several initial suggestions, yes, but without much follow-through). But surrender and pray really hard and God will reveal those answers to you.

If you're not Christian, or if reading extremely religiously-slanted advice annoys you, you'd probably do better to keep looking for a book dealing with Enabling or CoDependence that has more practical solutions from a secular viewpoint.
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