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The Last Testament: A Memoir
 
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The Last Testament: A Memoir [Format Kindle]

David Javerbaum , God
5.0 étoiles sur 5  Voir tous les commentaires (1 commentaire client)

Prix éditeur - format imprimé : EUR 12,05
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  • Longueur : 464 pages
  • Langue : Anglais
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Descriptions du produit

Extrait

PROLOGUE

1In the beginning, I took a lunch with Daniel Greenberg of the Levine Greenberg Literary Agency.

2 For the future of print was without hope, and void; and darkness had fallen upon the face of the entire publishing industry.

3 So one day Daniel, my agent, whom I have been with forever; by which I do not mean literally “forever,” as I started out unrepresented, but a good 25 years or so;

4 Anyway, Daniel got us a table at Balthazar; for he knows someone there.

5 So we met, and exchanged pleasantries, and sat down, and caught up; and in time I coyly came around to asking him why he wanted to see me, although I knew, and he knew that I knew, and I knew that he knew that I knew; but lo, this is how the game is played.

6 And then, over a frisée aux lardons that they were not serving in heaven then, but they are now, he spoke unto me:

7 “O LORD our God, King of the Universe, here’s what I’m thinking.

8 Thy previous books have sold an impressive six billion copies;

9 They form the basis of three great religions, and five crappy ones;

10 They have been translated into 2,453 languages, including that of a fictional race of TV aliens wearing shoe polish;

11 They can be found in every synagogue, church, mosque, and Comfort Inn in the world;

12 And most importantly, they have done for faith, and ethics, and morality, what The Bartender’s Bible hath done for bartending.

13 But lo, it has been nigh on 14 centuries since thy last book—”

14 “Forget not The Book of Mormon,” I interrupted.

15 “Thy last serious book,” he continued; “and now a pestilence has befallen our tribe; books go unread; bookstores go unpatronized; libraries remain Dork Central;

16 And while digitalization presents an opportunity, it is also a challenge; the paradigm is shifting; I don’t know if thou dost follow the trades, but content-wise—”

17“I follow everything!” I bellowed, using the reverb voice and thunder-rumbling sound that I am wont to employ on such occasions.

18 “Forgive me, LORD,” said Daniel; “I shall rend my garment and grovel in thy sight later.

19 I mean only to say, that if I were to approach major publishing houses with a proposal for God’s last testament, it would make a pretty strong pitch.”

20 “But of what shall it be composed?” I asked, pressing my fork into the poached egg, then idly watching its liberated amber yolk ooze seductively over the farm-fresh chicory.

21 “For I have already imparted all my wisdom, and bestowed all my law, and revealed all my truth;

22 And also I confess to being sore afraid, that I may not have another book in me”;

23 And at this I sighed, and turned away, and did earnestly wonder if I still “had it.”

24 And Daniel said, “Surely this is not the same confident, All-Powerful God who parted the Red Sea, and bore his son through a virgin mother, and . . . and . . . well, I’ve never read the Koran, but I’m sure thou didst some amazing things in there also.

25 Besides, the book I envision is not like unto those.

26 For in the book I envision, thou wouldst revisit thy greatest hits—the Old and New Testaments, and the Koran if thou insistest—but in a manner more in keeping with the modern custom;

27 Meaning, that thou shalt ‘open up’ about their events; and ‘share’ thy feelings; and ‘dish’ about the various public figures therein, thus creating a ‘telleth-all.’

28 (That’s not a bad title, by the way.)

29 Then thou shalt continue the tale by describing thy activities and where abouts over the past one thousand four hundred years; a period I suspect many of thy devotees have a few questions about.

30 And then thou shalt finish with a sneak peek into the future, with perhaps a brief glimpse of what lies in store for the end of the world; which, again, I think may be of some interest to thy hardcore fans.

31 But checketh it out, for here is the best part: Interspersed throughout shall be a series of short essays on matters of contemporary interest; such as natural disasters, and America, and celebrities, and regional athletic contests, and whatever other bits of frivolity thou conceivest;

32 The better to cater to the sensibilities of the modern reader, whose capacity for following unbroken written narrative hath dwindled to the size of a piece of Jonathan Franzen’s neck-stubble.

33 My point, G-Man”—and here Daniel reached across the table and grabbed the hem of my garment in a way few ten-percenters have ever done without an insta-smiting—

34 “Is that I love thee as a deity, and worship thee as an author; so I would have thee find new favor among men, by coming down off thy pedestal and humanizing thyself,

35 That thou might once again top the best-seller list, only this time in the modern era:

36 An era in which, I would remind thee, royalties can be properly accounted for.”

37 Then he fell silent; and long I pondered.

38 Yea, long I pondered; until slowly the ancient desire to spread my word among man that he may glorify me, began to stir in my spirit once more.

39 And the waiter came and separated Daniel’s check from mine; and Daniel picked up both checks; for he saw that that would be good.

© 2011 Bizzu LLC

Présentation de l'éditeur

Over the course of his long and distinguished career, god has literally seen it all. And not just seen. In fact, the multi-talented deity has played a pivotal role in many major events, including the Creation of the universe, the entirety of world history, the life of every human being who has ever lived, and the successful transitioning of American Idol into the post–Simon Cowell era.

Now, as the earth he has godded so magnificently draws to a Mayan-induced close, God breaks his 1,400-year literary silence with his final masterpiece, The Last Testament.

As dictated to his mortal amanuensis, 11-time Emmy Award–winning comedy writer David Javerbaum, God looks back with unprecedented candor on his time in the public sector. He takes us behind the scenes of Genesis, setting the record (un)straight on the real first couple, Adam and Steve, and challenging long-held notions about the viability of containing a phylogenetically complete double bestiary within a 450,000-cubic-cubit watercraft. For the first time, he breaks his silence on Jesus Christ, shedding light on a father-son relationship as heartwarming as Will and Jaden Smith’s. And he reveals his true feelings about his third great faith, Islam, WHICH ARE NOTHING BUT POSITIVE AND RESPECTFUL.

But The Last Testament doesn’t just look back. It also offers God’s perspectives on the perennial quagmires of love, marriage, and smiting. And he takes an 27.99 unfiltered look at contemporary society, addressing such hot-button topics as:

• Why he loves America

• What he listens for in a good prayer

• Which sports teams he really roots for

• Which celebrities are totally gay

Sometimes preachy, sometimes holier-than-thou, but always lively, The Last Testament is a tale of courage, adversity, and triumph. It’s the ultimate celebrity autobiography, sure to appeal to not only hardcore God fans and “worshipers,” but to anyone who’s ever had total omnipotence. If you place complete faith in the literal truth of one book written by God, make it The Last Testament.

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Commentaires client les plus utiles
5.0 étoiles sur 5 I love You God 29 août 2014
Par Gilles
Format:Format Kindle|Achat vérifié
This is the best book I've bought this year. Okay, it is also the only one, but that's obviously not the point.
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Amazon.com: 4.5 étoiles sur 5  52 commentaires
16 internautes sur 16 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Blasphemous Blast 10 novembre 2012
Par N. Bilmes - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché
Fans of Saturday Night Live, Monty Python, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report are going to appreciate the humor and intelligence in this riotous faux memoir supposedly written by You Know Who (not Voldemort, the original "He Who Must Not Be Named"). From relating how Adam and Eve really started out, to detailing Moses' love of weed, and onto the arguments He Who Must Not Be Named had with his son, the one whose birth is celebrated by many on December 25th, this book is pretty much guaranteed to offend any reader! The author writes about Hindu, Mormon, Muslim, and all other faiths. The biblical style of the writing is superb, and can lend itself to cruel practical jokes if applied to the unaware: "Larry, you should read page 42, line 4. It's incredible the insight this book offers!"

I'm going through a recent divorce, mortgage application stress, and regular daily stress. Yet, this book had me laughing aloud so much my endorphins were being released by the gallon (in a good way, not visibly).

I recommend this to anyone that knows how to laugh.

My favorite part: The explanation of how the laws of Kashrut were meant to be a practical joke. Especially how He Who Must Not Be Named told all of the Jewish people wandering in the desert to stay away from shellfish, and how only 4 of the insects in the world were kosher.
23 internautes sur 30 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Too Funny! 6 novembre 2011
Par J. Burke - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Format Kindle|Achat vérifié
I'm reading this book at the kitchen table over brunch and absolutly laughing out loud. I've read so many passages out loud to my husband that he made me promise to stop so he could read it. I have not read such a funny book in a long long time.

Sure it mocks the bible and religions in general, but in a way that is not at all mean natured. This is a "just gotta read"!
3 internautes sur 3 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 You wont go to hell for reading this...go ahead and download it!!!! 14 novembre 2013
Par Motherskiss - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
I am reading this book for the third time. It's still makes me giggle. I grew up in a Pentecostal environment. Both my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles are all ordained ministers who oversee the church my grandfather literally built with his own two hands, so I know a little something about the Bible. Even if your mind is closed and can not see it for what it is, ENTERTAINMENT (albeit genius), ya have to give the man props for his research.
If you found this book and read the complete title AND presumed this would be something other than imaginative fiction, then ....then ....I'm speechless!
3 internautes sur 3 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Hilarious and Blasphemous 15 novembre 2013
Par Dave Edmiston - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Format Kindle|Achat vérifié
Regardless of your faith, hopefully you have thick enough skin to enjoy a clever parody. God's spokesman, David Javerbaum, makes equal fun of many faiths (including my own) in this book. His humor is fantastic.

I first heard Javerbaum as a guest on the Adam Carolla podcast and thought he was a pretty funny clever guy. He wasn't necessarily plugging his book, but Carolla always promotes his guest's recent ventures and mentioned this book. It sounded interesting enough, so I picked it up. I'm very glad I did.

This is all written in the first-person from the voice of God Allmighty, the LORD our God, King of the Universe (as he puts it).

I like his viewpoint and I like the way he struggles with understandable questions and challenges man has put forth throughout the ages:

"'...if thou hast power over what hath not yet come, canst thou not unspool the future with a gentler thread; one weaving a tapestry whereby righteousness is always rewarded, and evil always punished; so that mankind may behold with perfect clarity thine infinite justice?'

'Interesting; interesting,' I said. 'Yet I think I would prefer to work in mysterious ways.'"

God chose Javerbaum well. He is the perfect mouthpiece to use as a so-called ghost writer. Javerbaum has a fantastic turn of phrase and his vocabulary is perfect for the voice of the LORD our God, King of the Universe. Luckily I read this on my Kindle where it's easy to highlight and look up unknown words in the dictionary.

The topics are thought provoking and the book moves right along (with the exception of the chapter on the book of Revelation...that one drags a little and might be better as a movie). If you're an atheist or agnostic, then this book probably doesn't hold much for you. If you're Jewish or Christian, then loosen up your top button and enjoy the book. If you're Muslim, you're going to have to be slightly more open minded, however Javerbaum treats your faith very fairly and speaks well of Mohammad (and stops just short of supplying an illustration of your prophet).

For the most part the blasphemy is pretty light-hearted. If it bugs you to read a quote from Jesus cursing "Dad Dammit!" then you shouldn't read this book.

I'm glad the LORD our God, King of the Universe, selected Javerbaum to write this final work in the trilogy of testaments (Old, New, and Last). I'm glad I read it.
3 internautes sur 3 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Hysterical! 20 décembre 2012
Par RM COHEN - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Broché|Achat vérifié
This is by far the funniest book I've ever read! By the time God got to and "Jesus wept..." I was on the floor.
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