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The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes (Anglais) Broché – 26 décembre 2007


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The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes + Getting Past No: Negotiating in difficult situations + Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In
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Descriptions du produit

Extrait

Chapter One

Uncover Your Yes



“In creating, the only hard thing’s to begin; a grass-blade’s no easier to make than an oak.” –James Russell Lowell

Perhaps the single biggest mistake we make when we say No is to start from No. We derive our No from what we are against–the other’s demand or behavior. A Positive No calls on us to do the exact opposite and base our No on what we are for. Instead of starting from No, start from Yes. Root your No in a deeper Yes–a Yes to your core interests and to what truly matters.

Nowhere did I learn this more clearly than from a relative of mine who suffered from a serious addiction to alcohol that nearly cost him and others their lives in a car accident. He tried many times to give up the habit but always failed. Then at the age of sixty, just when all hope seemed lost, he found in him- self the will to say No and stop drinking. The secret? “When my first grandchild was born,” he says, “I wanted more than anything to live long enough to see him grow up. It was his birth that motivated me to get treatment and stop drinking. Since then, for over fifteen years now, I have not touched a drop.” His Yes to being present for his grandchildren–to be able to play with them and see them grow–motivated his powerful No to alcohol.

His story serves to illustrate an everyday paradoxical truth: the power of your No comes directly from the power of your Yes.

Your Yes is the underlying purpose for which you are saying No. The first step in the method is to uncover the Yes that lies behind your No. The deeper you go into your core motivation, the more powerful your Yes will be and thus the more powerful your No.



From Reactive to Proactive

The biggest obstacle to saying No successfully is not the other, however difficult they might be. It is ourselves. It is our all-too-human tendency to react–to act with intense emotion but without clear purpose. We humans are reaction machines. And our Nos tend to be reactive. We accommodate out of fear and guilt. We attack out of anger. We avoid out of fear. To get ourselves out of this three-A trap, we need to become proactive, forward-looking, and purposeful.

This challenge is vividly captured in an old Japanese story about a samurai and a fisherman. One day, the samurai went to collect a debt from the fisherman. “I’m sorry,” the fisherman said, “but this last year has been a very bad one for me, and I regret to say I do not have the money to repay you.” Quick to anger, the samurai drew his sword and prepared to kill the fisherman on the spot. Thinking fast, the fisherman boldly said, “I have been studying martial arts and my master teaches that you should never strike out of anger.”

The samurai looked at him for a minute, then slowly lowered his sword. “Your master is wise,” he said quietly. “My master used to teach the same lesson. Sometimes my anger gets the better of me. I will give you one more year to repay your debt, but if you fail by even a penny, I will surely kill you.”

The samurai returned to his house, arriving late at night. He crept in quietly, not wishing to wake his wife, but to his shock, he found two people in the bed, his wife and a stranger dressed in samurai clothing. With a surge of jealousy and anger, he raised his sword to slay them both, but suddenly the fisherman’s words came back to him: “Do not strike out of anger.” The samurai stopped for a moment, took a deep breath, and then deliberately made a loud noise. His wife instantly woke up, as did the “stranger,” who turned out to be his mother.

“What is the meaning of this?” he yelled. “I almost killed you both!”

“We were afraid of robbers,” his wife explained. “So I dressed your mother up in your samurai clothes to scare them off.”

A year passed and the fisherman came to see the samurai. “I had an excellent year, so here is your money back and with interest,” the fisherman said happily to him.

“Keep your money,” replied the samurai. “You repaid your debt long ago.”

When you want to say No, remember the samurai’s lesson: do not react out of anger–or indeed out of any negative emotion such as fear or guilt. Take a deep breath and focus on your purpose–your Yes–in this situation. Ask yourself what you really want and what is really important here. In other words, shift from being reactive focused on No, to being proactive focused on Yes.

This chapter outlines a process that can help you. As the samurai did, you start by stopping and collecting your wits. You then proceed to ask yourself why. Why do you want to say No? What are your underlying interests, needs, and values? Once you have answered this question, you can then crystallize your Yes!–your intention to protect what matters most to you.



Stop: Go to the Balcony

We do not have a chance of being able to influence the other unless we are first able to control our own natural reactions and emotions.

When we want to say No to an offensive behavior or inappropriate demand, it is only natural to feel angry. But anger can blind us. In the rush to say No, angrily and sometimes vengefully, it is all too easy to lose sight of the prize–advancing our interests. Fear too can prevent us from pursuing our objectives. We imagine in advance the other’s reaction to our No. What will they think of us or do to us? What will happen to our relationship, to the deal, and thus to our interests? Paralyzed, we accommodate, giving up on our needs. Guilt has a similar effect. “Who am I to say No?” “I don’t deserve the time to myself.” “Their needs are more important than mine.”

Anger can blind, fear can paralyze, and guilt can weaken.

The first challenge we face, therefore, is internal. Recall the example of the man who said No to his domineering father, who was also his boss. In John’s own words, “I didn’t stand up to my dad, I stood up to my fears!” As John recognized, the real obstacle to getting what he wanted was not his father; it was his own fears. “All the action was basically over by the time I spoke to him.” That is the key point. The real action of standing up for yourself takes place inside you before you say No.

This internal action starts with stopping. Stopping is all- important because it interrupts your natural reaction, buys you time to think, and thus allows you to uncover your Yes. You may stop for a second, an hour, a day, or however long is required. What matters is to stop and get some perspective on the situation before proceeding with your No.

I like to use the metaphor of “going to the balcony.” The balcony is a detached state of mind you can access anytime you choose. Imagine yourself for a moment as an actor on a stage about to speak your lines–your No. Now picture yourself up on a balcony overlooking the stage, a place where you can see the scene clearly from afar. The balcony is a place of perspective, calm, and clarity. From a balcony perspective, it is much easier to uncover the Yes behind your No.

I came to truly appreciate this lesson when I was asked to facilitate a difficult discussion in the mid-1990s between Russian and Chechen leaders about how to end the tragic war in Chechnya. This discussion took place at the Peace Palace in The Hague in the very same conference room used for the international tribunal on war crimes in the former Yugoslavia. The Chechen vice president began his long speech by making a series of vociferous accusations against the Russians, saying they should stay in that room because they themselves would soon be on trial for war crimes. He then turned to me and, looking me right in the eye, began attacking: “You Americans have been supporting the Russians in their war crimes! And, what is more, you are violating the rights of self-determination of the people of Puerto Rico!” As he went on with his accusations, others around the table looked at me to see how I would respond. Would I say No to the round of accusations?

I felt defensive and distracted, thinking, “I don’t like the turn this conversation is taking. Why is he attacking me? I’m just trying to help. Puerto Rico? What do I know about Puerto Rico?” I felt reactive. Should I just accept this treatment? Should I respond in kind? Should I say nothing at all?

Fortunately, the translation time gave me a chance to go to the balcony. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. Our purpose, I remembered, was to try to bring peace to the people in Chechnya and Russia. That was my Yes. On that basis, I was ready to say No to this vein of accusation that would lead us nowhere.

When my turn came to respond, I simply said to the Chechen vice president, “I hear your criticism of my country and I take it as a sign that we are among friends and can speak candidly with each other. I know your people have suffered terribly. What we are here to do is to find a way to stop the suffering and bloodshed in Chechnya. Let us try to come up with some practical steps that can be taken today.” The discussion got back on track. Going to the balcony enabled me to uncover my Yes.



Take a Time-Out

These days the scarcest resource is time to think. Look for opportunities to go to the balcony whenever possible so that you can reflect on your Yes.

When you want to take a time-out, rote phrases can come in handy. If the other is making an unwanted demand, for instance, you could say:

•“I’m sorry, but this is not a good time to talk about this. Let’s talk about it this afternoon.”
•“Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”
•“I need to consult my partner.”
•“Let me make a phone call to check something first.”

If the other is behaving offensively, you could use a phrase like:

•“Why don’t we take a break?”
•“Time-out for five minutes.”
•“Would you excuse me? I need a coffee refill.”

Achok, a Tibetan friend of mine, once told me: “ ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are very important phrases, but another phrase that is really important sometimes is ‘wait a minute.’ Sometimes you don’t know whether to say Yes or No. So the best answer is ‘wait a minute,’ which gives you the time to decide.” Achok was right. Before saying No, it is often wise to wait a minute,’ which gives you the time to decide.” Achok was right. Before saying No, it is often wise to wait a minute.

During the time-out, step out of the room for a moment. Use the moment of quite to think or consult with a colleague. Imagine it is a customer pressing you for what you fear may be an unrealistic delivery date. In his presence, you might be inclined to agree, but, after talking with your colleague on the phone, you realize this would be a big mistake. Giving yourself a chance to reflect before responding can make all the difference between a reactive Yes and a proactive No.

If you are feeling angry or fearful, go for a walk or engage in your favorite form of exercise. Getting your muscles working and your heart pumping can help discharge anger and reduce fear so when you say No, you can say it from a place of calm and balance.

Revue de presse

"William Ury brings a marvelous blend of experience, insight, integrity and warmth to his work. In this wonderful book he teaches us how to say No—with grace and effect—so that we might create even better Yes".—Jim Collins, author Good to Great

"Almost any brief comment on The Power of a Positive No would be trite. Suffice it to say that if I'd had and used this book for the last 25 years, I would have doubtless avoided innumerable heartaches and headaches and tattered personal and professional relationships. 'Original' is an embarrassingly overused word on book dust jackets, but, simply, this all-important book stands alone on a subject that underpins, like no other, jndividual and organizational effectiveness."—Tom Peters, author of In search of Excellence

"The world's biggest shared secret is that most of us say yes when we really want to say no, in both our professional and private lives. Bill Ury generously provides us with insights and techniques to turn this malady into win-win solutions. This is a wise and powerful book."—John Naisbitt, author of Megatrends

"No matter whether you are negotiating compensation with the toughest CFO or a curfew for your teenager, this book teaches us a critical and counterintuitive lesson.  You can say no and still be nice.  Simple, straightforward and easy to read, The Power of a Positive No is a YES on our reading list."—Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval, authors of The Power of Nice: How to Conquer the Business World with Kindness


From the Hardcover edition.


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Détails sur le produit

  • Broché: 272 pages
  • Editeur : Bantam; Édition : Reprint (26 décembre 2007)
  • Langue : Anglais
  • ISBN-10: 0553384260
  • ISBN-13: 978-0553384260
  • Dimensions du produit: 14 x 1,4 x 21 cm
  • Moyenne des commentaires client : 5.0 étoiles sur 5  Voir tous les commentaires (1 commentaire client)
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Format: Broché
Aux dires de Bill URI (l'auteur), c'est le livre qu'il aurait du écrire avant son "Getting to YES". C'est juste. A mes yeux, en préalable à toute négociation bien menée et qui aboutit, il est essentiel d'apprendre à s'affirmer: que ce soit pour les timides ou respectueux ("oser", le "courage du management", etc) ou pour les brutes épaisses d'entre nous (minimiser la vaisselle cassée chez les autres, résultant de nos affirmations de nous-mêmes). C'st un réel point d'entrée "101" pour tous à l'art la négociation. Naturellement, son objet ne se limite en rien à la sphère professionnelle. Ce qui est derrière ce livre est incomparablement plus efficace et éthiquement correct que tous ces enseignements actuels sur l'apologie du mensonge et de la dissimulation, que je déconseille formellement. En anglais. C'est le Harvard Negotiation Group, on les voit peu à Paris et on les imite mal.
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Commentaires client les plus utiles sur Amazon.com (beta)

Amazon.com: 74 commentaires
53 internautes sur 53 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Root your No in a deeper Yes 30 mars 2007
Par Coert Visser - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié Achat vérifié
William Ury is the co-author of the well-known book Getting to YES. In this book he explains how he has come to realize that getting to yes is only half of the picture. Ury even says that "whether and how we say No determines the very quality of our lives." The reason is that word No is indispensible whenever you have to stand up for what really matters to you.Certain situations can create tension between an issue which is important to you and a relatinoship that is also important to you. This tension can make us fall into the three-A trap of Accomodation (saying yes when we mean No), Attacking (responding forcefully) and Avoiding (doing nothing at all). Ury presents the positive No as a way out. In short this means:

1. Yes! -> positively and concretely describing your core interests and values

2. No. -> explicitely link your no to this YES!

3. Yes? -> suggest another positive outcome or agreement to the other person

Ury goes into much detail about how to prepare, deliver, and follow through your positive No. His style of wrting is crystal clear and his examples are interesting. Some examples are probably very recognizable to many readers (like: how do you say to someone who wants to borrow money from you when you don't want to). Other examples are much grander (how to negotiate in an inter-ethnic conflict) and also interesting. The core idea of this book is very simple and very important. I was perhaps most interested to read Chapter 2 which explain the importance of a Plan B, which is your backup for your prefered outcome. I'll end this review with a quote by the great No-sayer Mahatma Gandhi (which is mentiond on page 7): "A `No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a `Yes' merely uttered to please or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
38 internautes sur 40 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Saying no in a positive way 10 mai 2007
Par M. L Lamendola - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
The title isn't a cute play on words. This book really does reveal how to say "no" in a positive way. Some people think saying no is negative behavior, without recognizing the reality that failing to saying no (when you should) can do immense harm. Some people think that getting your way ("winning") is what matters, and they render their "no" in a way that diminishes their own position and everyone involved.

The first view is disrespectful to yourself and dishonest toward the other person. The latter is disrespectful to the other person and dishonest toward yourself. Neither view takes into consideration that two parties have their own needs and agendas to meet. When one side loses, both lose.

A third way, which Ury reveals, is honest and respectful to both parties. Consequently, it leads to a positive outcome for both parties. Sometimes, it's a matter of leaving a door open. You may have worked with someone who quit and came back several times over the course of many years--how did that person manage to say no to your employer and yet leave the door open to being rehired later? A "no" doesn't need to inflict negative results--it can provide positive results. How that happens is the subject of this book, and Ury provides many examples to show how this works.

In fact, one example from this book was a verbatim suggestion given to me by a business associate just last year. In a pre-sale message, we needed to tell a customer no to some features he wanted. I had sent my associate my planned reply, and she came back with a suggestion--it was a softener to the no, one that left the door open without tying us down. The customer was delighted with my modified reply, and I closed the sale. After the sale, I compared both replies and saw that my original, while not patently offensive, didn't leave the door open and could easily have left the customer feeling cold.

Recognizing these kinds of gems in this book helped reinforce to me the credibility of the author. Yes, he already came with plenty of high-end credentials, as a quick online search on "William Ury" reveals. But what really grabbed me was the substance of the book. Here's a subject we all have to deal with, on various levels, but we find it so hard and so frustrating to get it right. We find ourselves constantly choosing between saying yes to have harmony and saying no to protect our interests. But we don't need to be in that position. It's not an either/or choice.

You can say no to someone's (offer, demand, viewpoint, preference, plans) in a way that leaves that other person feeling better for the exchange, and thus enhances the relationship. You can refuse a customer's demands and not lose the sale or watch future sales evaporate. You can tell your spouse no (to that golf outing, new car, cruise) and not start a fight. You can tell your child no to going to (name the place) without getting an argument or temper tantrum in return. You can tell your boss no to yet another (assignment, transfer, trip, seminar) without sinking your career advancement. How you say no allows you to do these things. And that is what Ury addresses from his years of experience in negotiations.

As I read through this book, time and again I found myself nodding, "Yes, that's exactly right." Other times, I found myself thinking, "So, that's how I should have handled (name the circumstance)!" or "I can see how this works better than the way I normally do it."

Many times, I have said no to someone or disagreed with someone, only to be surprised that the other person is offended. I may have said, "This is wrong," but the other person heard, "You are wrong." You can say no to the proposal without saying no to the person. Yury explains how to do this.

It's a powerful skill, and not just in business. For example, have you fought with a friend or family member over something trivial? Or, flipping that around, have you bought into the "go along to get along" concept, only to fume later?

The process of providing another person with a positive no has three stages: preparation, delivery, and follow-through. The book is divided into three Parts, each of which deal with one of these stages. Each Part contains three chapters, bringing the subtotal to nine chapters. The final (tenth, but unnumbered) chapter concludes the book by explaining the marriage of yes and no.

This book is a winner. If you practice its principles, both you and the recipient of your "no" will feel like--and be--winners, too. I must caution you, this book does not provide some simplistic formula or magic words to utter. It takes time to master the concepts and apply them correctly. Ury provides plenty of examples to show that doing so is well worth the effort.
16 internautes sur 18 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
This book is gift to all of us 3 avril 2007
Par Stuart Dauermann - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
I bought this book for twenty dollars, plus tax . . . but it was still a gift. I say this because Ury is clearly a world-class leader in the field of negotiatons, whose expertise has been honed in the most varied and challenging of circumstances. Yet, in this book he shares many of the secrets by which he makes his bread and butter and earns the respect of giants of industry, government, as well as the more proletarian lives he touches. I asked myself, "Why did this very busy and successful man bother to take the time to lay all of this out for us common folk?" Sure, he'll make a big profit from the endeavor, but still, we will gow rich as well, in other ways, due to his having bothered to share his hard-earned wisdom with us all.

In writing this book, Ury has done us all a service, certainly myself. From the very beginning, he increased my awareness and sense of confidence in social and professional relationships, as when I had to quickly draw the line with a person with a borderline personality who was wreaking relational havoc at my place of work. Ury gives us confidence in our No's, grounded in a conscious and deep sense of our own "Yesss," our own non-negotiable principles and values. He also teaches us how to move beyond "No," to liveable "Yesses," that is, to solutions which respect and address the needs of all parties.

This book is wise, it is principled, it is thorough. At times it seemed too detailed, but as I continued to read, I was grateful for his patient exploration of every nuance, because even amidst my first reading, I was promising myself a second read . . . and more. This, because the book is a master course in more effective interpersonal relationships whether in the workplace, academia, or the home.

In making things sound so simple, Ury risks being accused of marketing the obvious. However, these matters only seem obvious after he has so articulately pointed them out. This too is a measure of his skill, his generosity, and the value of this big little book.

Buy it. And more than that, use it! It will mature you and put more spring in your step.
7 internautes sur 7 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
Good Life Habit to Learn and Use 30 juin 2007
Par Meryl K. Evans - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
The book guides the reader through the three-part process to prepare, deliver and follow through in getting to a positive No. No doesn't come easy especially when trying to please a client who asks to move up the delivery date. You're afraid to say No because it means losing future business, respect and perhaps, your job.

_The Power of a Positive No_ not only helps you improve your negotiating skills in such work situations, but it also applies to your personal life. With the tips in the book, you won't fear the consequences of saying No and you'll find ways to make the situation work out for everyone.

Have you fallen into one of the three-A trap? Tripping up in one of these traps means the person takes steps Accommodate, Attack or Avoid when encountering a No situation. These traps won't make anyone in the situation feel good about the solution. Accommodate means saying Yes when we want to say No. Attack means saying no poorly. Avoid means saying nothing at all and not taking care of the problem.

The book digs up situations that you know you could've handled better. Applying the concepts from the book to past situations will prepare you for doing better next time without worry of blowback. Self-help books face the challenge of encouraging their readers to change. The idea of a positive no sounds difficult -- and it isn't easy either -- will come to readers if they take the time to understand and apply Ury's advice. Don't expect bandage style advice that can fix anything with a simple stick-on.

Of course, you could prepare and set up a great response for a positive no, but what if the requestor doesn't take no for an answer? Ury shows how to prepare Plan B, a backup plan. He also shares a decent amount of real-life examples, large (court case involving a large company and a customer) and small (not having time to help), of how people handled such situations.

Crack the book and it takes no time to become engrossed in Ury's clear and breezy writing style. The book flows and the length satisfies. Fans of the Ury's classic best-seller will appreciate this one and won't feel a sense of déjà vu in having read _Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In_.
4 internautes sur 5 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
A most useful guidebook for both your personal and professional ife 7 juin 2007
Par Blaine Greenfield - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Relié
William Ury's classic, GETTING TO YES, has always been

one of my favorite book the subject of negotiations . . . I'm now

going to have to add his latest, THE POWER OF A POSITIVE

NO, to my list.

It is a most useful guidebook that will help you in both your

personal and professional life . . . Ury presents real

examples, drawing upon his lifetime experiences as

a negotiator . . . and while you may not be able to relate

to his being in countries like Chechnya and Venezuela, you'll

certainly be able to see yourself when he describes such

other situations as his daughter's illness and his divorce.

The key in all these and more--being able to deliver a positive

No . . . it requires skill and tact, and it involves a deceivingly

simple three-step process:

Begin with the affirmation (Yes!), proceed to establish a

limit (No) and end with a proposal (Yes?).

One example, in particular, struck home because I've had to

often face it myself; i.e., how to decline an invitation to speak at

a local community organization . . . his recommendation on how

to handle the request is positively brilliant:

Imagine, for instance, that you are declining an invitation to speak

to a local community organization: "It is good to hear from you and

good to hear of all the valuable work the center is doing. For family

reasons, I am not taking on any additional commitments at this time.

Next year, if you are still interested, I'd be happy to consider it. Thank

you for thinking of me." After the initial note of acknowledgement and

respect, you begin the Positive No by expressing a Yes! To your

interests ("family"). You proceed to assert your No in a matter-of-fact

way that does not reject ("I am not taking on any additional

commitments at this time"). You follow up by proposing a Yes?,

an alternative solution ("next year, if you are still interested"). You end,

just as you began, on a note of respect ("Thank you for thinking of me").

I also liked Ury's use of historical figures, including Abraham

Lincoln, Nelson Mandella and even Hercules . . . in addition, he

cites this other useful bit of advice gleaned from when our

country was founded:

No less a man than Thomas Jefferson invoked this piece of

advice during the hot, sweltering summer of 1789 when delegates

to the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia struggled over

the principles and wording that would govern their fledgling

nation. Tempers frequently flared as delegates stood up for

their interests and values and said No. In the midst of this

struggle, Thomas Jefferson had a piece of advice for his

colleagues: "When angry, count to ten. If very angry,

a hundred."

THE POWER OF A POSITIVE NO is a book that I'm going

to recommend to all my fellow members of the negotiations

team at the college where I teach, if for no other reason than

this valuable tidbit:

If you are having trouble persuading the other to accept your

proposal, try putting it through this test. Suppose for a moment

that the other says Yes to your proposal and now needs to

present the prospective agreement to their constituents. Imagine

the other giving a little speech, explaining to their constituents why

this is a good agreement and why they should support it. Write out

an outline of that speech. What is the most persuasive case they

could make for accepting your proposal? Jot down the key talking

points.
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