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Why You're Not Married . . . Yet: The Straight Talk You Need to Get the Relationship You Deserve [Format Kindle]

Tracy McMillan

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Descriptions du produit


1. You’re a Bitch

Or, How Anger and Fear Are Keeping You Single

1. Do people walk on eggshells around you—and you kind of like it?

2. Does the idea that you should be nice to a man make you angry?

3. Have past boyfriends felt that you were defensive or hard to get close to?

The deal is this: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. Nice includes sex, laughing, and occasionally—but not to the point of oppression or anything—cooking a meal, folding the laundry, or doing something else he’s too lazy to do for himself. Just because you love him. That’s what nice is.

Is this you? If my asking makes you mad, the answer is probably not.

But that alone doesn’t make you a bitch. What makes you a bitch is that you’re mad at a guy for even wanting that stuff. Being a bitch is about feeling superior to men (and the women who want them), rolling your eyes without even knowing you’re doing it, and having a lot of tension around your mouth all the time. It’s about radiating something that makes people feel just a little bit scared of you. And not only do you not care, but if you get really, really honest you would have to admit that you like it. Just a little.

That’s being a bitch.

Bitch is less a personality characteristic than it is an energy. There’s nothing wrong with it per se. We all have an inner bitch, and she is a powerful ally who protects us and keeps us from being exploited. But most of the time in relationships, as in life, you gotta keep your gun in your purse. Which is to say, there is a time and a place for your bitch—in a tough business negotiation, say, or when being threatened, but not on a dinner date. And not just because it’s Thursday.

Unfortunately, bitch energy is distressingly common among single women. Maybe it’s because somewhere along the way, being a bitch became synonymous with being modern. When I was coming of age, in the 1980s and 1990s, it was something to be proud of. There were even jokes that the word was an acronym for cute phrases like “babe in total control, honey” and “because I take charge here.” Being a bitch was about claiming a place in the boardroom as well as the bedroom. It was a settling of old scores from all the years of male oppression. It was righteous. It was empowering.

But when it comes to dating and getting married (and, for that matter, being a mother), being in total control, honey, is an enormous liability. In fact, for most men—and women, too—it is an absolute deal breaker. Who in his or her right mind wants a mate who demands total control?

What It’s Really About

So when I say you’re a bitch, I mean you’re angry. Now, you probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or—if you’ve been to a lot of therapy—that you’re setting boundaries, or maybe that you’re intellectually curious and like to debate a lot. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the pharmaceutical-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. But perhaps most of all, you’re mad at men. You’re mad that they can hurt you, that they have the power to reject you, that they seem to want twenty-three-year-old ninnies over powerful and fabulous women such as yourself.

At least that’s what you tell yourself. But my experience is, men don’t mind powerful, and they don’t mind fabulous. What they mind is emotionally unstable, annoying, scary, bitter, cold, and above all, unloving.

Female anger terrifies men. They won’t come right out and tell you that, because half the time they don’t even know it, at least not consciously. But after having a son, I now clearly see how much power a woman has in a man’s life, and how our anger (and I’m not talking about pick-up-your-socks anger; I’m talking about baked-in, this-is-how-I-am-so-deal-with-it anger) affects them on a very deep level. To start with, every man has a mother, right? The same way we women have to deal with the template our fathers laid down for us in relationships, men have to deal with their mothers. Except times ten, because for the first several years of his life, that woman was the source of everything to him: love, frustration, scolding, cookies. There is no possible way to overestimate the impact of a man’s mother on his psyche. Never mind his particular mother; I’m talking about the fact that he has one at all. And how about the fact that he lived inside her body at one time? Really. When you think about it, it’s pretty crazy.

For this reason, we ladies need to be very conscious about how we express our anger. (Just as men should be conscious and caring about how they express theirs.) I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married—but actually it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is a big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife. And I don’t mean this in a belittling way. It’s the same thing if you want to be a mother—you’re going to have to work around your children’s fears and insecurities. If you want to be an employee, you’re going to have to work around your boss’s fear and insecurities. If you want to be a friend, you’re going to have to . . .

Well, you get the picture. You’re going to have to get a grip on your anger.

Notes from My Life as a Wife

At twenty, I was a young married bitch. People often say they know bitchy women who are married, and I can vouch for this, because I was one of them. But in my experience good marriages have a loving warmth and adoration between partners that is missing from the marriages of bitchy women. (As I’m sure it’s also missing from the marriages of douchey men.)

It’s not that I was all bad. I was a fun conversationalist, and I had a sense of adventure that generally kept things interesting. But I was also a person who didn’t put a lot of boundaries around my own behavior. I disrespected other people while pretending to myself that I wasn’t doing exactly that. I indulged the part of me that felt like she should be able to have the world look the way she wanted it to, even if it was at the (emotional) expense of other people.

In short, I was a bitch. And here’s how I did it:

1. I was controlling. This is the number one weapon in the bitch arsenal. It’s where you make sure nobody ever does anything that you don’t like by preventing it in advance. And the way you prevent it in advance is by making everyone walk on eggshells. I would tense up my body the second anyone got near a topic I didn’t like or started to do something I didn’t like, then make faces (and sounds, if necessary) to communicate my displeasure. Anyone who stayed in my life past the first six months knew what this meant and backed off. Pretty soon the only people left were people who were going along with my program—which led me to assume that I was a perfectly agreeable young lady when, indeed, I was not.

2. I was manipulative. Being manipulative is the stealth way of making people do what you want while leaving no physical evidence behind. It involves things like talking “casually” to your mate about other people . . . while making it clear which of their behaviors you find reprehensible. Behaviors that, coincidentally, you have been badgering your mate about for the last day, week, or month, and would like him to stop doing immediately. If that doesn’t work, there’s also guilt and threats, where you just tell the other person that if they keep doing whatever they’re doing that you don’t like, you’re going to either get cancer or leave them.

3. I was judgmental. My attitude was, “No one is doing anything right around here. Period.” Also, I thought I was better than other people, which practically goes without saying. If you’re like this, you know who you are.

4. I was spiteful. If you did something to me—or if I perceived that you did something to me—I wouldn’t hesitate to retaliate. Getting back at you might come in the form of relentlessly pointing things out to you that you said yesterday, or cutting you down so you don’t feel so confident, or (my personal favorite) teaching you a lesson. Ugh.

If that’s not a list of traits someone would want in a wife, I don’t know what is! Most of all, I had to be right. Because what I wanted more than anything else—even more than I wanted to be a loving person—was to dominate my husband. Which might sound irrational, but not really. I was afraid to be vulnerable. There was something about letting that one person, that man, have the power over me that goes along with being a husband that I just couldn’t handle. Or, more accurately, I was going to handle it by donning a big pair of tall, shiny black boots and carry a long dominatrix whip that I could snap whenever I felt like it. And when you think about how scared I was, it makes perfect sense that I behaved the way I did.

Why Leanne’s Not Married

My friend Leanne has another form of the bitch problem, which manifests mainly through her extremely sharp tongue. She doesn’t seem to understand that men are creatures who have feelings. I sometimes wish I could videotape Leanne and play it back to her, because Leanne’s talking is more like another woman’s ranting. Watching it, she might feel sick to her stomach for a while, but at least she would start to understand what’s going on in her relationships with men and how they’re experiencing her.

I’ll never forget watching Leanne strike up a conversation in a restaurant once, with a very nice commercial director named Eric....

Revue de presse

“Very wise . . . Give this book to every single girlfriend [you] have.”—Marie Claire
“Hilariously irreverant . . . a shrewd guide to relationships.”—Elle
“Turns the stereotype of the find-a-man book on its booty.”—Minneapolis Star Tribune

Why You’re Not Married . . . Yet is funny, smart, and so, so true. Equal parts BFF, boot-camp instructor, and relationship guru, Tracy McMillan will change the way you think about yourself and your relationships. This book is for every woman out there who wants to have a great marriage.”—Ricki Lake
“Tracy McMillan is a hero and visionary. Through her book I realized about myself things people I pay a lot of money have been trying to tell me for years: that I’m a bitch, a slut, a mess, and that I hate myself. She gives solutions on how to heal, grow, and get what you want in life in a funny, inspiring, personal and very rare way. This book is an empowering way to take control of your life and become the person you want to be. So basically, she shows you how to be the opposite of me.”—Actress and comedian Whitney Cummings
“As someone who has been married for twelve years, I love to give advice to my single girlfriends. Now, thanks to having read this book, I’m actually qualified to give it.”—Heather McDonald, regular on Chelsea Lately and bestselling author of You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again

Détails sur le produit

  • Format : Format Kindle
  • Taille du fichier : 3443 KB
  • Nombre de pages de l'édition imprimée : 242 pages
  • Editeur : Ballantine Books (29 mai 2012)
  • Vendu par : Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Langue : Anglais
  • ASIN: B005723KEO
  • Synthèse vocale : Activée
  • X-Ray :
  • Word Wise: Activé
  • Composition améliorée: Activé
  • Classement des meilleures ventes d'Amazon: n°197.490 dans la Boutique Kindle (Voir le Top 100 dans la Boutique Kindle)

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Amazon.com: 4.4 étoiles sur 5  207 commentaires
49 internautes sur 53 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 If You Think You Don't Need to Read This Book, You Probably Do 17 juin 2012
Par JG - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Format Kindle|Achat vérifié
I was dubious about buying this book initially because of the title. But it got excellent reviews, and I felt drawn to it. After reading three chapters, I must say this book is spot on! No matter how "together" you are, you will find yourself relating to at least one or two of the chapters in this book, and possibly all of them. We all have underdeveloped aspects of our psyche that we need to work on, and this book will make you aware of those. Better still, Tracy offers ways to stop repeating those behaviors. If you're interested in improving all your relationships, not just with your romantic relationship, read this book!

Here are examples of Tracy's brilliance (excerpts from the book) from the first three chapters I read:
* Crazy is about intensity. It's about being out of control emotionally; acting against your own best interests in your relationships; stoking lots of drama; being needy, easily hurt, jealous, insecure, and/ or in other psychological states of being that men are not looking for.
* At the bottom of every crazy thing you do is a story that casts you in a victim role. And who wants to marry a victim?
* Nice is the alternative to bitch energy. Men call this "sweet."
* How do you forgive? The best way is to change your story. Change the way you think and talk about what has gone down in your life--especially the things that have disappointed you or made you angry. It is imperative that you shape your story in ways that empower you, not piss you off or turn you into the victim.
* The things that attract and bond people to you have way more to do with what is unconscious and unhealed than what is conscious and totally not a problem. The aspects of your life that you are careful to keep at the edges of your awareness are like the moon acting on the tides - they exert a powerful pull in your relationships.
56 internautes sur 64 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 Hilarious....WAIT, is this the self-help aisle? 31 mai 2012
Par Gabrielle A Thomas - Publié sur Amazon.com
I downloaded a sample of this book while looking for some new reading material at the gym...I was the crazy lady on the elliptical laughing loudly. McMillan is hilarious, insightful and spot on.

Second only to The Hunger Games, I've never wanted to buy a book that I sampled more. You could actually just read this book for fun. (Have you ever *wanted* to read a self-help book? Ever?) More importantly, McMillan shares her own experience, and like a good shrink, doesn't claim to have the answers, but is pretty sure that you do (and suggests you'll figure out the chapters you actually need).

Don't let the title turn you off, or make you think this is a guide "to landing a guy" or "how to act until you bag a fella," in the Introduction McMillan writes: "But let's get one thing clear right away. This is not a book about finding a man. In fact, it's hardly about men at all." ..."This book is about you."

MacMillan shares about her three failed marriages and certainly doesn't think that's how women "get whole." For those of us who are interested in exploring the only common factor in all our failed relationships (ourselves) the author has a sharp, clear mirror she'd like you to look into.

Even while peddling away on my elliptical and giggling aloud in front of strangers, McMillan also punched me in the gut (the answers to tough questions can hurt when we're honest). Do you know how hard it is to do before the end of chapter 1?!

Regardless of whether or not I get married, this book offers some serious guidance toward "accepting your own dear self." And that, friends, might be miraculous, for anyone.

(PS - If you have any question about whether or not this book is right for you, check out her 38 question quiz. You'll get a sense of her humor, and the entire book.)
24 internautes sur 27 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
4.0 étoiles sur 5 A realtionship book that is FUN to read 4 septembre 2012
Par J. Short - Publié sur Amazon.com
I admit I've read more books on relationships than I want to count. So I'm not sure why I picked up Why You're Not Married Yet by Tracy McMillian. I suppose I was hoping for something new in the age old question of why it seems the women who want relationships can't get them and those wanting to be left alone are fighting off dates. When I told a friend I was reading this book, we had a few laughs about it, and she was checking in to ask if I had found the reason there is no ring on my finger.

This book was different than the many other volumes I have found. It is broken up into ten chapters and each one talk about a different "personality trait" or as I think of them -- character flaws -- which could be sabotaging your relationships. Unlike other books I have read in this genre this is NOT about manipulating a man. It is NOT about how to go forth with a set of rules and accomplish your goal. This book is NOT about a timeline, nor is it how to find a man.

What this book DOES do is teaches you how to improve in areas you may have missed. For instance, one area she points out is that if you have a "power job" you may be more masculine than many men are looking for in their life partner, so the author talks about how to allow your feminine side to shine. Another chapter is the fact that some women still don't have it together. Whatever "it" is, "it" can very from finances in a mess to living in a place that looks like a college boy's dorm room.

Each chapter gives suggestions and even includes a section about what others know but aren't telling you. This is also a very fun read. While it didn't make me laugh, it was quite enjoyable. It reminded me of talks us girls had in college, only we didn't know half this stuff back then.

Overall I very much enjoyed this book. I don't know if it will help or not, but it was a fun read, and for that I give it four stars!
9 internautes sur 10 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
4.0 étoiles sur 5 I got only ONE GEM from this book - but it was THE answer & I'm married now! 10 janvier 2014
Par Me - Publié sur Amazon.com
Format:Relié|Achat vérifié
I confess that I didn't finish this book - I read half of it and then I threw it out, along with all the other books I had on "how to catch or keep a man". All the books recommend different things, such as playing hard to get, etc etc. Well, I was tired of being single and I was tired of games and I was tired of reading books to try to figure out how to find love or why I didn't have it.
THE GEM I got from this book was this. THROW OUT the list of all the things you need or want in a man! This author advised to forget the advice to make a list of all the traits and characteristics etc that you want in a partner. She advised that you just find the TOP THREE things that were important, indispensable to you, and junk the rest because it just doesn't matter.
Eureka! After all my worrying over everything my Mr. Right had to have (meanwhile I dated Mr Wrongs left and right and was quite lonely) somehow that struck a chord with me. The light bulb went on in my head and I thought "HEY! I can do THAT!"
This was my list for my man:
#1) He & I like and love each other deeply, mutually, lastingly.
#2) He & I are deeply, mutually attracted to each other emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually - lastingly.
#3) We gladly commit to each other and marry for life.

Voila! I no longer had to worry about all the particulars! If we loved each other well, that's good, right? And I didn't have to nitpick on his looks anymore because if we're mutually attracted then whatever he looks like, I guess I'm satisfied, right? And if we're both happy to commit to each other, then we must be doing something right.
Well, friends, not too long after this eureka moment brought about by that one gem contained within this book, I found him. Actually, I'd known him for years as a friend but never bothered because he didn't fit my long list (the list this book wisely advised me to throw out!) and we have been together over a year and a half and he is wonderful, we're happy, and it is absolutely the best and most loving and fun and amazing relationship I ever had in my 39 years of life. We treat each other like gold - what a joy healthy love is!!!
So... I have to congratulate the author on her wisdom.
Her book wisely advises you to stop picking apart others and look within to understand why you're still single.
Good luck in finding wonderful love. Do as she advises!
UPDATE the original review was written a while back... it's July 30, 2015 and we are now married, we bought a wonderful home, and I'm pregnant at age 41.. very healthy and feeling great, our baby is due in September! My husband is as much a joy to live with as ever, the love, affection, respect & fun we have together are still going strong.
This book gave great advice (:
11 internautes sur 14 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
5.0 étoiles sur 5 I swear I thought this wasn't me. Now I know better. 8 juillet 2012
Par BooksAreGood - Publié sur Amazon.com
When I first flipped through the chapters I assumed I would probably identify with a few of the descriptions, but surely not all of them. I'm generally not mean at all, so the You're a Bitch chapter would probably not apply. Nor do I make it a habit to lie to the guys I see. Nor am I very much for drama. But I read all the chapters anyway just to see how "other" women were into those things. And I swear I laughed myself right into awareness of ALL the ways I AM a bitch, a liar, a little crazy, etc. These habits are subtle, they're "justifiable," but they're also incredibly unnecessary and in fact keep me from being more open to what is available out there.

It is a testament to Tracy McMillan's generosity that I did not feel lectured at, talked down to, judged or ridiculed. Rather, I felt myself wanting to be more aware of how normal it can feel to be, well, mean. Especially in the world of dating, it's like we participate in a type of hunger games free-for-all where you have to win or succeed while staying hyper-vigilant for enemy attacks. Seriously, it sounds ridiculous to write it that way, but we live in a culture where we talk pretty mean about the dating pool in which we enter. I just have to remember the last conversation I had with a girlfriend to remind myself how this is so. So I really appreciated the book's reminder that hey, I'm really a good person at heart, and perhaps I can move about my dating life with that foot forward rather than my perfectly justifiable but bitchy-tinged weariness. Dating can be a vexing thing, full of angst, insecurities, exposing our social un-graces, so let's have some compassion for ourselves and each other in it. Oh, yeah--and I guess dating should also be fun. That too.

I loved this book and I have recommended it to many of my friends. Great read. The author will call you out on your less-than-becoming behavior, but you'll appreciate that someone cared enough to do that for you.
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