Aucun appareil Kindle n'est requis. Téléchargez l'une des applis Kindle gratuites et commencez à lire les livres Kindle sur votre smartphone, tablette ou ordinateur.

  • Apple
  • Android
  • Windows Phone
  • Android

Pour obtenir l'appli gratuite, saisissez votre ou numéro de téléphone mobile.

Prix Kindle : EUR 8,99

EUR 6,21 (41%)

TVA incluse

Ces promotions seront appliquées à cet article :

Certaines promotions sont cumulables avec d'autres offres promotionnelles, d'autres non. Pour en savoir plus, veuillez vous référer aux conditions générales de ces promotions.

Envoyer sur votre Kindle ou un autre appareil

Envoyer sur votre Kindle ou un autre appareil

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers par [Neufeld, Gordon, Mate, Gabor Md]
Publicité sur l'appli Kindle

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers Format Kindle

Voir les formats et éditions Masquer les autres formats et éditions
Prix Amazon
Neuf à partir de Occasion à partir de
Format Kindle
"Veuillez réessayer"
EUR 8,99
"Veuillez réessayer"
EUR 68,20 EUR 23,07

Longueur : 352 pages Word Wise: Activé Composition améliorée: Activé
Page Flip: Activé Langue : Anglais

Concours KDP Salon du Livre

Descriptions du produit


PART ONE: The Phenomenon of Peer Orientation

Chapter One: In Our Own Backyard

Something has changed. We can sense it, can feel it, just not find the words for it. Children are not quite the same as we remember being. They seem less likely to take their cues from adults, less inclined to please those in charge, less afraid of getting into trouble. Parenting, too, seems to have changed. Our parents were more confident, more certain of themselves and had more impact on us, for better -- or, sometimes, for worse. For many today, parenting does not feel natural. Through the ages adults have complained about children being less respectful of their elders and more difficult to manage than preceding generations, but could it be that this time it is for real?

Today’s parents love their children as much as parents ever have, but the love doesn’ t always get through. We have just as much to teach them as parents ever did, but they seem less interested in following our direction. We can sense our children’s potential but do not feel empowered to guide them toward fulfilling it. Sometimes they live and act as if they have been seduced away from us by some siren song we do not hear. We fear, if only vaguely, that the world has become less safe for them and that we are powerless to protect them. The gap opening up between children and adults can seem unbridgeable at times.

We struggle to live up to our image of what parenting ought to be like. Not achieving the results we want, we plead with our children, we cajole, bribe, reward or punish. We hear ourselves address them in tones that seem harsh even to us and foreign to our true nature. We sense ourselves grow cold in moments of crisis, precisely when we would wish to summon our unconditional love. We feel hurt as parents, and rejected. We blame -- ourselves for failing at the parenting task, or our children for being recalcitrant, or television for distracting them, or the school system for not being strict enough. When our impotence becomes unbearable we reach for simplistic, authoritarian formulas consistent with the do-it-yourself/quick-fix ethos of our era.

The very importance of parenting to the development and maturation of young human beings has come under question. “Do Parents Matter?” was the title of a cover article in Newsweek magazine in 1998. “Parenting has been oversold,” argued a book1 that received international attention that year. “You have been led to believe that you have more of an influence on your child’s personality than you really do.”

The question of parental influence would not be of great moment if things were going well with our young. They are not -- and many of us feel that instinctively, even if we cannot explain exactly how and why. That our children do not seem to listen to us or to embrace our traditions and culture as their own would, perhaps, be acceptable in itself -- if we felt that they were truly self-sufficient, self-directed and grounded in themselves, if they had a positive sense of who they are and if they possessed a clear sense of direction and purpose in life. We see that for so many children and young adults those qualities are lacking. In homes, in schools, in community after community developing young human beings have lost their moorings. Many lack self-control and are increasingly prone to alienation, drug use, violence and a general aimlessness. They are less teachable and more difficult to manage than their counterparts of even a few decades ago. Many have lost their ability to adapt, to learn from negative experience and to mature. The crisis of the young has manifested itself ominously in the growing problem of bullying in the schools and, at its most extreme, in the murder of children by children, whether in British Columbia or New York, Quebec or Colorado.

Committed and responsible parents are frustrated. Our cues are not being taken, our directives are ineffective, and it appears our children would rather be elsewhere than at home. Despite our loving care kids seem highly stressed. Parents and other elders no longer appear to be the natural mooring point for the young, as used to be the case with human beings and is still the case with all other species living in their natural habitats. Senior generations, the parents and grandparents of the baby boomer group, look at us with incomprehension. “We didn’t need how-to manuals on parenting in our days, we just did it,” they say, with some mixture of truth and misunderstanding.

This state of affairs is ironic, given that more is known about child development than ever before. More courses and books are available on child rearing, and we can offer our children more things to do and explore. We probably live in a more child-centred universe than our predecessors did.

So what has changed? The problem, in a word, is context. Parenting is not something we can engage in with just any child, no matter how well intentioned, skilled or compassionate we may be. Parenting requires a context to be effective. A child must be receptive to our parenting for us to be successful in our nurturing, comforting, guiding and directing. Children do not automatically grant us the authority to parent them just because we are adults, or just because we love them or know what is good for them or have their best interests at heart. Those who parent other people’s children are often confronted by this fact, be they step-parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, grandparents, babysitters, nannies, daycare providers or teachers. Less obviously but of great importance is the fact that even with one’s own children the natural parenting authority can become lost if the context for it becomes eroded.

From the Hardcover edition.

From Publishers Weekly

Starred Review. Like countless other parents, Canadian doctors Neufeld and Maté woke up one day to find that their children had become secretive and unreachable. Pining for time with friends, they recoiled or grew hostile around adults. Why? The problem, Neufeld and co-writer Maté suggest, lies in a long-established, though questionable, belief that the earliest possible mastery of the rules of social acceptance leads to success. In a society that values its economy over culture, the book states, the building of strong adult/child attachments gets lost in the shuffle. Multiple play dates, day care, preschool and after school activities groom children to transfer their attachment needs from adults to their peers. They become what the authors call "peer oriented." The result is that they squelch their individuality, curiosity and intelligence to become part of a group whose members attend school less to learn than to socialize. And these same children are bullying, shunning and murdering each other, as well as committing suicide, at increasing rates. The authors' meticulous exploration of the problem can be profoundly troubling. However, their candidness and exposition lead to numerous solutions for reestablishing a caring adult hierarchy. Beautifully written, this terrific, poignant book is already a bestseller in Canada.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Détails sur le produit

  • Format : Format Kindle
  • Taille du fichier : 3897 KB
  • Nombre de pages de l'édition imprimée : 352 pages
  • Editeur : Ballantine Books; Édition : Reprint (19 novembre 2008)
  • Vendu par : Amazon Media EU S.à r.l.
  • Langue : Anglais
  • Synthèse vocale : Activée
  • X-Ray :
  • Word Wise: Activé
  • Composition améliorée: Activé
  • Moyenne des commentaires client : Soyez la première personne à écrire un commentaire sur cet article
  • Classement des meilleures ventes d'Amazon: n°106.816 dans la Boutique Kindle (Voir le Top 100 dans la Boutique Kindle)
  •  Voulez-vous faire un commentaire sur des images ou nous signaler un prix inférieur ?

click to open popover

Commentaires en ligne

Il n'y a pas encore de commentaires clients sur
5 étoiles
4 étoiles
3 étoiles
2 étoiles
1 étoile

Commentaires client les plus utiles sur (beta) HASH(0x97f62804) étoiles sur 5 174 commentaires
260 internautes sur 271 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
HASH(0x949ec540) étoiles sur 5 A Must-Read for Parents, Teachers 3 mai 2005
Par Briana LeClaire - Publié sur
Format: Relié
I've never seen this book's ideas put quite this way before, nor explained so thoroughly. Its time has definitely come.

Neufeld and his wife Joy have at least five children (he sprinkles their names through the book - he never adds them up for us) and he's had what sounds like a distinguished career first treating juvenile offenders, and then moving into family counseling. The overarching theme of the book is ATTACHMENT. To whom are your children more attached? Are they attached to you, their parents, and other adults? Or are they attached to their peers? To whom do they look for guidance? Whose star have they hitched their little wagons to? If children look to adults for guidance, in Neufeld's terminology they are "parent-oriented". If they reject adults in favor of their peers, they are "peer-oriented".

This book explained to me how the relationship between parents (all adults, really) and children has changed in the larger culture. This cultural change has made it difficult to talk to my parents and in-laws about our decision to homeschool. (Neufeld isn't necessarily pro-homeschool - he's pro-adult attachments as opposed to peer attachments.) There have been times when I've been reduced to vague, indistinct clichés like, "Times have changed, so we're homeschooling." They've been too polite to say so, but I just know they're thinking, maybe times have changed, but children haven't, and so you're saying your children don't need regular school? Well, yes, that is what I'm saying, and this book explains why better than I can.

Neufeld spends a great deal of the book showing us how we've gone from a world where children used to be largely adult-oriented, to a world where everything in it, like day care for tiny children, longer school days, endless activities geared towards youths, and technology like cell phones and instant messaging, act like the Pied Piper, luring children away from adults and towards their peers. When children give the place in their hearts reserved for parents and parental figures to their peers - in other words, when they re-orient from adults to peers - they develop all sorts of neuroses that Neufeld describes for many chapters. These neuroses are so common, we've come to see them as normal childhood behavior. Often we think the results of peer-orientation are desirable, as shown in the following quote:

". . . (A)t least initially, peer-oriented children also tend to be more schoolable . . . . School takes children out of the home, separating parent-oriented children from the adults to whom they are attached. For such children the separation anxiety will be intense and the sense of disorientation at school will be acute . . . . (T)he elevated anxiety it provokes interferes with learning. Anxiety dumbs us down, lowering our functional I.Q. Being alarmed affects our ability to focus and to remember. Anxiety makes it difficult to read the cues and follow directions. A child simply cannot learn well when feeling lost and alarmed.

"Children already peer-oriented by the time they enter school do not face such a dilemma. In the first days of school in kindergarten, a peer-oriented child would appear smarter, more confident, and better able to benefit from the school experience. The parent-oriented child, impaired by separation anxiety would, by contrast, appear to be less adept and capable - at least until he can form a good attachment with a teacher. . . . (I)n the short term, peer orientation appears to be a godsend. And it is undoubtedly this dynamic that research taps into when discovering the benefits to early education.

"In the long term . . . the positive effects on learning of reduced anxiety and disorientation will gradually be canceled by the negative effects of peer orientation. Thus follows the research evidence that early advantages of preschool education are not sustainable over time. Peer-oriented kids go to school to be with their friends, not to learn. If these friends are also not into learning, academic performance will slip. When children go to school to be with one another, they are primed only to learn enough not to stand out, to remain with those their own age. Other than that, learning is irrelevant and can even be a liability to peer relationships." (236-7)

Stay with me for a shorter quote, just down the page from the above:

"Interestingly, home-schoolers are now the favored applicants of some big-name universities. According to Jon Reider, admissions official at Stanford University in California, they are desirable applicants because "home-schoolers bring certain skills - motivation, curiosity, the capacity to be responsible for their education - that high school don't induce very well." In other words, preschooled kids may have to best head start, but home-schooled kids have the best finish, because in our educational system we have neglected the crucial role of attachment." (237-8)

There's his favorite word - attachment - again. Which brings me to my only criticism of this book: I wish he'd written it in English, instead of social science. The book is full of nominalizations: "integrative functioning", "orienting void" (a/k/a "orientation void" - a twofer!), "individuation", "socialization". He does provide definitions and a glossary, but referring to it is distracting. This is a pretty minor quibble, however, and doesn't take away from the book's importance.

Bottom line: get a copy for anyone who spends a lot of time around children, because they need to know what they're up against. It's an emergency.
196 internautes sur 211 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
HASH(0x949ec594) étoiles sur 5 A radically different parenting book, but not totally convincing 1 septembre 2005
Par Suzanne Amara - Publié sur
Format: Relié
I must say this book does stand on in that it presents a radically different view of parenting than most books I've read. It holds that the most important thing for kids is a very strong relationship with their parents, and that almost all of the woes of today's kids are caused by them being peer oriented instead of parent oriented. The authors make a very strong case for this being so. I was convinced by the time this part of the book was over. However, as with many books of this type, the section where we are told what to do about this problem is weaker. Most of the ideas would work best with a very young child that has not yet become peer oriented. If you already have a child who is rebellious and addicted to being with peers, I don't think that speaking to them kindly and looking them in the eyes is going to do much. The author gave an example with his own children of taking them away on a week's vacation with just the child and the parent. That sounds good, but I don't think his children had the severe problems of the other examples we are given.

The book also has the perspective of parents that are caring, kind, loving and have their childrens' best interests at heart. I know parents who read parenting books are more likely to fit this perspective, but I kept thinking that not all parents are that completely wonderful. I think many a child has been saved from a childhood that would otherwise be hellish BY their friends. The author also feels children's friendships are not really true friendships, that they are not mature enough to have true friendships. I respect their courage to say that peer relationships are not as important as we are always led to believe. But I do think that childhood friendships can be true ones. I know I still am very, very close with at least 3 of my friends from young childhood, and I can say looking back that our friendship was true from the start.

I don't mean to overly dispute the message in this book. I think it's an extremely well written and brave book, and I will be influenced by the ideas presented here very much. I just think it's like most ideas taken to the extreme---they fall apart a bit when this is the case. But I do want to thank the authors for presenting this view of parenting. It is going to play a part in my decision whether or not to homeschool my oldest child.

Definately worth a read!
79 internautes sur 82 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
HASH(0x949ec9cc) étoiles sur 5 Important support for attachment theory 28 décembre 2009
Par Alexis Ahrens - Publié sur
Format: Relié
I just finished reading this book. It makes a compelling case against the peer-oriented culture which has grown to dominate over the past few decades, especially as it pertains to parents losing their hold on kids as the primary nurturing and guiding force until they reach maturity. It goes as far as to claim that true maturity isn't actually occurring among those who are taking their cues solely from their fellow immature peers. It's the blind leading the blind, with disastrous results.

In today's culture which places a high value on peer interaction along with less time available for families to spend together, it's more difficult for parents to remain the primary orienting force in their children's lives. Children are encouraged to socialize with other children early and often. High student: teacher ratios in daycares and schools encourage attachment to peers instead of teachers. The extended family of loving adults that used to be the norm in children's lives is now the exception, and our mobile society creates isolation instead of community. Add to this mix the effects of media which perpetuates the culture of cool, and the result is that it's simply much, much harder to parent today than it was a few decades ago, and it's far easier for children to turn to each other to meet their attachment needs.

So ... what does all this mean to me, the mother of a three-year-old sensitive child? Actually, the implications are pretty direct. As a sensitive child, Lucas absorbs everyone's energy. He mimics everything and everyone. It already appears that he's very susceptible to influence by his peers, coming home from preschool with new behaviors and mannerisms all the time, to my enormous frustration. He's also sensitive to even the most subtle withdrawal of my affection, and this drives him to attach more quickly to others who will fill the void. If he's around his peers when we've been having a rough time with our mother-son relationship, any authority and influence I may have had disappears and all hell breaks loose. If this keeps up, I'll lose him completely by middle school.

I've struggled with how to handle these difficulties. Mainstream parenting philosophy dictates that firmer boundaries and punitive measures are necessary to nip negative behavior in the bud. Attachment theory suggests the opposite. I've waffled between the two, leaning toward attachment and then chickening out in the face of parental and societal pressure. Intuition always leads me back to attachment, though. And when I doubt myself, I end up with a book like this one to give me the support I need.

The following is a quote from the book that seemed to sum up the prescription for me:

"The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child. To foster independence, we must first invite dependence; to promote individuation we must provide a sense of belonging and unity; to help the child separate, we must assume the responsibility for keeping the child close. We help a child let go by providing more contact and connection than he himself is seeking. When he asks for a hug, we give him a warmer on than he is giving us. We liberate our children not by making them work for our love but by letting them rest in it. We help a child face the separation involved in going to sleep or going to school by satisfying his need for closeness."

For me, this translated to:
* Playing more with him and watching him play, especially when he hasn't asked.
* "Spending time" at bedtime, (laying next to him until he falls asleep) even if it's inconvenient for me.
* Satisfying his need for closeness - saying yes unless there is a really good reason to say no - even if it means going with him every time he needs to go to the bathroom or find a sock or wash his hands.
* Allowing our daily "quiet time" to be spent in the same room together.
* Being unconditionally loving in my tone and words. Reaffirm that I love him no matter what.
* Do what it takes to manage my own frustration in healthy ways (exercise, meditate, sleep, etc.) so I don't take it out on him.

In essence, I need to consider his attachment needs ahead of my own needs for space, quiet, control, approval or whatever it is I'm seeking at the moment. I am a mature adult, and I can be creative in finding other healthy ways of getting those needs met. Lucas is not, and he won't be for a long time. If left to his own devices, his choices are not going to be smart ones. Just look at most adolescents.

This book was just the right wake-up call to get me back on track.
99 internautes sur 106 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
HASH(0x949ecd98) étoiles sur 5 Awesome! 15 août 2005
Par Mary Ostyn - Publié sur
Format: Relié Achat vérifié
As an avid reader and a mom of 8 kids ages 0-18, I have read a ton of good parenting books, and this one is a new addition to my Top-5 list. It explains the foundational importance of attachment so clearly and also explains why there are so many troubled kids these days. This book give insights for all parents, working or not, whether your kids are 2 or 15, public-schooled or homeschooled, biological or adopted. To safeguard our kids, they need to be willing to value parental input *over* that from friends, and this books explains exactly how to keep them hearing us. I got this book from the library, but I am buying it so I can read it again and also loan it to all my friends and relatives. Dynamite.
22 internautes sur 23 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile 
HASH(0x949ecd44) étoiles sur 5 One of Most Insightful Books I Have Ever Read 10 mai 2007
Par Book Lover - Publié sur
Format: Broché
This book has given me astonishing insights related to the "acting out" that I have seen in my young daughter (started around 10 1/2, now she is 13) and with the children of my peers. She has exhibited "counterwill" discussed in the book where she is not interested in pleasing me. Some of the children of my peers seem to be so disconnected from them that as parents they feel that they have already "lost" their children and their kids are only 16. One of these friends is in Germany, so it is not only the U.S. but seems to be a phenomenon of our industrialized society.

The authors say that life has changed so much from when we were growing up; that many of these kids have been in daycare from early ages and as a result they are bonding with other children and not their parents. This is bad because they are using other children as their role models and these children do not have the maturity to guide one another. Thus it is very important to do things as a family and to show the child that you care about them. This was really interesting to me because my daughter has been in day care and extended day throughout her life. I thought a lot of this was good because it was "socializing her" but the authors argue to the contrary. At least I have been able to work part time and have been able to spend a bit more time with her as compared to my peers and their children

The authors state that: One result of economic changes since the Second World War is that children are placed early, sometimes soon after birth, in situations where they spend much of the day in one another's company. Most of their contact is with other children, not with the significant adults in their lives. They spend much less time bonding with parent and adults. As they grow older, the process only accelerates."

They state: Parenthood is above all a relationship, not a skill to be acquired. Attachment is not a behavior to be learned but a connection to be sought." (P. 55)

There is an example in the book:

"The father of eleven-year- old Evan, a friend of my cowriters, had just completed a weekend seminar on family relationships and was now, on a Monday morning, walking with his son on the way to school. He had been pressuring Evan to continue with his karate class, an activity the boy was resisting. "You know, Evan" the father said to him, "If you stay in karate I'm going to love you. And you know what else? If you don't stay in karate I'm going to love you just as much." The child didn't say anything for a few minutes. Then, suddenly, he looked up at the overcast sky and smiled at his father. "Isn't it a beautiful day, Dad" he said. "Aren't those beautiful clouds up there. " After a few more minutes of silence, he added, "I think I'll get my black belt." And he has continued with his martial arts studies."

Our daughter has often said that her friends are more important than her family which is exactly what this book is saying is happening (!) and that this attitude needs to be reversed with more family bonding and loving interactions.

My relationship with my daughter has become much better since I read this book as I have been trying to be more loving and understanding. The authors say that parents usually focus on the "behavior" of the child but that you need to focus on the relationship first.
Ces commentaires ont-ils été utiles ? Dites-le-nous