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Laura De Giorgio
- Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Format Kindle
The author compares effective communication with martial arts, particularly judo, and illustrates his points through police stories, which makes the book both useful and interesting to read.
Throughout the book are interspersed quotes from Sun-tzu, like "To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the highest skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the highest skill."
He distinguishes between 3 kinds of people: the nice, the difficult and the wimp. The nice people will do what you ask them the first time you ask them. They like to cooperate. Difficult people will not do what you tell them the first time you ask. It is their nature that makes them say "Why? What for?"
He adds that the 4 most popular questions Americans would ask are "Why?", "Who do you think you are to tell me what to do?", "Where do you get your authority?", and "What's in it for me?"
And wimps are the ones who sound like nice people, but are closet difficult people. To your face they say "Oh yes," "I agree," "You're right", but later they get you in the back. Wimps hate authority, but they don't have the guts to challenge you. They want revenge because they feel the need to even the score.
The first principle of physical judo is to not resist your opponent. Instead, move with him and redirect his energy - and the communication skills presented in the book follow the same pattern.
The author mentions 11 things never to say to anyone (some of these statements may be more applicable to policemen on duty): "Come here!", "You wouldn't understand", "Because those are the rules", "It's none of your business", "What do you want me to do about it?", "Calm down!", "What's your problem?" "You never ..." or "You always ...", "Im not going to say thing again", "I'm doing this for your own good", "Why don't you be reasonable?" He does clearly suggest what you may want to say or do instead, and also what you may want to say or do when someone else says those things to you.
The bottom line of communication that reduces conflict and tension is empathy - as in standing in another's shoes and understanding where he's coming from - and communicating with the person in a way that he can relate to. The communication warrior's real service is staying calm in the midst of conflict, deflecting verbal abuse, and offering empathy in the face of antagonism. If you cannot empathize with people, you don't stand a chance of getting them to listen to you.
The author points out that we deal with people "under the influence" nearly everyday. If it's not alcohol or drugs, it's frustration, fear, impatience, lack of self-worth, defensiveness, and a host of other influences - and that when we react instead of respond to the challenge, we run the risk of giving the greatest speech we'll ever live to regret, by saying the first thing that naturally comes to our lips.
Instead, like a samurai, we must first center ourselves - because if we cannot keep a still center, we cannot stay in control of ourselves or the situation. In this centered state we remain open, flexible, impartial, not biased.
To deflect antagonistic behavior, the author shares a selection of "strip phrases", where you let the other person verbally vent, followed by requesting what you need the person to do, as in "'Preciate that, sir, but let me see your license, please."
The next technique is "paraphrasing" by saying "Let me be sure I understand you. Let me be sure we're on the same wavelength." and then stating back what the person said, using his key words - as different words have different meaning to different people.
The goal of persuasion and the essence of Verbal Judo is to generate voluntary compliance. To execute it, the author suggests a 5 step process:
1. Ask the person what you want him to do
If he doesn't comply
2. Set Context by explaining why do you want him to do what you ask of him
If he doesn't comply
3. Present Options and point out the consequences of each option, then let him choose
If he doesn't comply
4. Confirm their choice by asking "Is there anything I can say or do at this time to earn your cooperation? I'd sure like to think there is."
And if he still doesn't comply
5. Act out the consequences of the choice the person made
The rest of the book teaches specific skills that help you to improve your ability to communicate and persuade. They begin with knowing yourself and the person you're talking to, using the language and the model of the world of the person you're talking to.
The author then shares five basic tools to generate voluntary compliance - listen, empathize, ask, paraphrase, and summarize.
You will also find examples of steps to solve domestic disputes, how to effectively criticize, how to obtain compliance through praise.
The author has provided examples both from police stories and those related to civilian issues.