60 internautes sur 69 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile
- Publié sur Amazon.com
Talk about a loaded title! Perhaps it is a bit of an uncomfortable subject, but I was looking forward to having this resource for my church library. While I'm glad to see more and more resources available for men who struggle with sexual sin, their suffering wives have not had much available to them. And I have had more friends than I'd like to number who have been in this painful struggle-When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography. Of course, the gospel can minister to even this tragedy, but I was eager to have a resource to share.
First I want to say that I really appreciated the clarity in the introduction. The book is not a manual on how to fix your husband. It is also more specifically geared for encountering the first level of sexual addiction, which is pornography (and acts associated with it). While Tiede does address affairs and other forms of sexual perversion in the book, her main aim is to minister specifically to the women of her title.
This was an emotional read for me. I seriously had a bit of a breakdown about 25% of the way through the book because Tiede really touches on the pain that these women go through. She can identify with them because she went through it herself. In addition, the book is peppered with quotes from numerous women that she has interviewed. Their words reveal the raw anguish a woman goes through in this trial, along with true hope in Christ. The loss of trust, the fear, lies, wrestling with constant suspicion, and rejection are but a few of the topics addressed in this book. It is pretty heavy. But someone experiencing these very heartaches in their marriage will be comforted to have other voices that have been through similar experiences, and can point them to the One Comfort that they will always have--Christ is with us in our joy and in our pain. He is sufficient. By pointing the reader to their greater need, Vickie Teide is able to show that this trial can produce a good kind of suffering:
"Good suffering...reduces you to a point of being completely ineffective in your own efforts and old patterns of coping and requires dependence on God" (29).
"When the thing you desire more than anything else is to be close to God, you won't place demands on your husband to meet your needs" (30).
She reminds the reader over and over that her husband's choices do not affect God's ability to meet her needs. God is the one that we place our trust in above all, and he is faithful.
Tiede also delivers some hard words in love. Dealing with a husband caught in such a serious sin can cause a wife to become self-righteous. I loved her illustration of trials being like a magnified mirror into our own hearts. Often our own sinful hearts are revealed when we are sinned against. The reader is gently nudged:
"It might be very difficult to admit this, but if your husband has taken responsibility for his addiction and has shown sincere remorse, he may be better able to walk in freedom from his pornography addiction than from your disapproval and judgment. I'm just asking you to think about it" (193-194).
So in many ways, I found this book helpful for a friend or a counselor who would want to better understand what their suffering friend may be going through. It also would be beneficial for husbands to really see the consequences of this sin.
I can't imagine how difficult this book was to write. Tiede does a great job relating to the reader, while not demonizing or even demeaning offending men. Her tone is more like a friend helping you grieve and grow through the journey, rather than give you all the answers. These are all great strengths. But I did find myself having some imaginary conversations with the author while reading. I don't want to come off as a theological curmudgeon, because I appreciate the intent and passion of this author and the labor of love that is evident in her book. But I want to be honest with some caveats.
While The Message may be helpful as a commentary for some, I cringe when it is actually used as a Bible translation. It's used at least four times in the book. Here is one example where I think it clearly effects the meaning of the passage:
"Matthew 5:1-4 in The Message paints a beautiful picture of Jesus' message to you as you grieve your losses: 'You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you'" (23).
The beatitudes are not about Jesus' message to me as I grieve my losses, but rather the beatific vision of Christ himself. While the above "translation" may have a good message, I think it takes away the power of Christ being the One who was truly poor in Spirit and in mourning on the count of our sin.
There were some more instances where I felt like the focus was more subjective and inward rather than focusing on Christ's work on our behalf. Sometimes the reader is asked to listen to God in prayer and record the truths that he brings to her heart. While the Holy Spirit surely leads us, I would want to teach from what we can objectively say from the authority of God's Word in Scripture. The heart can be deceitful, especially in a time of suffering like this. It can trick us into thinking we are hearing something from God that may really be our own sinful desires. God's Word in Scripture is sufficient to thoroughly equip us for our sanctification.
I struggle with the whole admonition to "surrender" things to the Lord. While I know that it is important not to try to control things on our own, which is what I think most mean when they say this, it can sound like another subjective area of obedience. How do we know when we've really surrendered enough? If I say that I surrender my anger to the Lord, and tomorrow I get angry again, what did I surrender before? You see, this language is placing me as the giver instead of the receiver. And in the covenant of grace, I am the receiver. So in her chapter on surrender, Tiede encourages the reader to surrender their guilt, control, fear, and anger to the Lord--to "release" it and "let go." That's the prayer we are encouraged to make. But I wished she would have emphasized more (because she does at different points in the book) here about how God dealt with these through Christ on the cross. We need the indicatives before the imperatives. The balloon analogy she gives of letting go and not holding onto the string to pull it back gives the picture of our fears and anger just floating away. But I know from other parts of the book that Tiede would agree that Christ took them to the cross, and our holding onto any control is an illusion in the first place.
I also was nodding and shaking my head at the same time while I was reading the chapter on forgiveness. For example, I was saying "right on" when I read lines like "Trust is earned by a man's character, but forgiveness is given because of God's character" (224). But then I didn't quite align with her warning not to forgive too quickly. In Scripture we are told to forgive, period (Luke 17:3-4). Jesus didn't tell us to sleep on it, but to forgive seven times in one day if that's the case. Tiede goes into making sure that your husband is sincere in his repentance, but how can we really know this? Forgiveness doesn't mean that there are no consequences, but it is recognizing that the offender does not personally owe us justice. God is the avenger. She urges the reader to ask Jesus to tell us when to forgive, but he already did in Scripture. Yet Tiede ends that whole section with a great question, "Would you rather remember this season of suffering and renewal as one marked by all the great things you have done or all the great things God has done?" (258). So I was nodding and questioning throughout that chapter.
The book ends with two appendixes. The first is a fantastic list of resources from the internet, counseling and support groups, workshops, and internet filters. The second addresses the subject of when your church is not behind you. It stinks this even has to be addressed, but I'm glad that she does. What I would really like to see is the church stepping in and stepping up here. Tiede gives statics of one survey showing 50% of professing Christian men and 20% of professing Christian women having an addiction to pornography. I did look up that source and found it to only be a survey of 1,000 people. While it may not be a credible indicator of the church as a whole, it does show a real problem. This could be a whole other book, because I would like to see women mostly encouraged to be under the means of grace and Christian family which Christ has ordained to sanctify his people. As a church, we need to be better equipped to not only counsel families in this situation, but present the picture of Christ and his church that marriage is to point. After all, it isn't the wife or the children who a cheating husband has offended most, but Christ himself, who he is supposed to represent. That is why divorce is so violent (Malachi 2:16).
I am thankful that Vickie Teide has added much to this conversation, and pray that her book will be a blessing to those who are suffering. I also am encouraged and equipped to be a better friend to those who are.
*I was provided a copy of this book by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
12 internautes sur 14 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile
- Publié sur Amazon.com
"When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography...Healing Your Wounded Heart," by Vicki Tiede is being released and hitting the stores this week. The statistics are staggering: 50-60% of Christian men are struggling with addiction to pornography. And if this is true, that means that there are a good number of wives in our own churches, right under our noses, feeling heartbroken, and perhaps feeling all alone in this emotional battle. Christian women are faced today with this problem and very little, if any, resources are out there for them. Vicki Tiede has sought to close the gap in providing a book to help women navigate through these trying times. That is why when New Growth Press asked us to review this book, we were more than happy to do so.
The Feel of the Book
There is no question about it, Vicki didn't want women to feel alone. There are 26 testimonies of women in this book either sharing what they did wrong or the good lessons they have learned. It definitely has the feel of a support group, a Christian support group that is. Vicki has walked this path before so she knows first-hand the emotional battle that is before these women. That enables her to be quite effective when conveying compassion and grace throughout the book. This empathy then naturally gives her the platform to say hard things and offer true hope, in the good news of the Gospel. Hard things are better heard when compassion and grace are first displayed. You will likely feel like you're having a conversation with Vicki. And with all the diverse testimonies included, you probably will feel heard as well (she covers a lot of territory in terms of bad and good thinking).
In her introduction she lists four categories of addiction (two are listed below) to help the reader discern if this book is for her. This book was intended mainly for women whose husbands have struggled with sins related to Level I. However, the emotions of betrayal a woman feels at any of these levels can be the same.
Level I: This is often considered "acceptable" by mainstream society and includes lust, fantasy, masturbation, and pornography (magazines, video cable/satellite TV, Internet).
Level II: Fulfilling sexual desire with live porn, strip clubs, nude dancing, massage parlors, physical affairs, and fetishes.
I found it refreshing that Vicki didn't set out to sell a list of goods for these women to "fix" their husbands. Instead, she set out to engage these women through scripture and address their temptations, their sin, and their sense of betrayal during this time. She broke each chapter into weeks; six weeks total. And each week has reading, homework, and journaling.
At each point, Vicki goes to great lengths to validate and acknowledge these women's pain and struggles. With the ultimate goal to point them to the only One who can redeem that pain.
Women feel alone. They can't share their disappointment in their husbands. But take hope - God knows the secret of the heart." (Ps. 44:21) pg. 4
"Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved." Radical faith that begins with fear will land you in the arms of the Almighty. Pg 63
Vicki is also wise in her estimation of the church at large and warning women to seek counsel only from healthy churches, by giving them the 9marks of a healthy church. She repeatedly points women to professionals, to seek marriage counsel and support.
Overall, this book points Christian women to the identity they have in Christ. And it nurtures the opportunity this trial brings to strengthen their relationship with God.
I firmly believe that the covenant of marriage may ultimately be more about a woman's relationship with God than her relationship with her husband. Page 147
That's the beauty in God's economy: nothing he has allowed in your past is excessive or unnecessary because he uses it all for His glory. Page 250
In the balancing act of grace and truth, Vicki earns her right to address the many temptations these women face. You get the feeling that she literally gets in their face as she hears about their self-pity, sense of guilt, unforgiveness, etc. and confidently tells them, "You must choose if you're going to live as a victim or in victory. Better or bitter. Grow through it or go through it. " (page 199)
Weaknesses of this Book in my Estimation
Vicki would use at times psychologized wording like "self-esteem and self-worth," that I would have preferred her not use. She used the terms and accepted them as truth. Except, the words and the concepts they represent are not only non-biblical - but unbiblical. Where do we get that there is worthiness/value/honor in and of ourselves? The Bible would call that kind of self-regard idolatry. You see worldly terminology is truly not helpful when trying to help. We should seek whenever possible to use biblical language when we speak, or write, for when we do, we can go to the Bible to guide our thinking. The second and last thing I was uncomfortable with was a letter Vicki included in her last chapter. It is supposed to be "from" God the Father reminding the reader that He sees and redeems the brokenhearted. You can be saying in fact what God does say in His word, but I think it is dangerous and irreverent to speak in the place of God. That part, in my opinion, was unnecessary.
Do I recommend this book?
I do recommend this book, the weaknesses it has are minor in comparison with the invaluable resource it will be to hurting women. This is a very difficult topic to address so if you are someone who ministers to other women, this book is also for you. It will grow and enrich you - and that will bless the hurting woman you might need to comfort one day.
5 internautes sur 5 ont trouvé ce commentaire utile
amazed by love
- Publié sur Amazon.com
Format: Format Kindle
Vicki Tiede's book entitled "When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart" is a warm, gentle companion for those who are suffering from the carnage of pornography. Vicki's use of Scripture passages are well selected, and sensitive. Happily, none of the verses used are cliche and they cover the fullness of the canon (my one regret about this book is the absence of a Scripture index). Her compassion seeps through these pages, even when she offers correction and/or encouragement.
She warns readers in the introduction that this book is not a book to 'fix' one's husband, and neither is it for those who are at the extreme end of sexual perversion-which has led to violence and/or extra-marrital affairs. Although, this book will be beneficial for the extremes, she recommends other resources and pastoral counselling to address these issues.
I picked this book up because I wanted to get a better understanding of how women cope under the weight of betrayal. With fear and trembling, I acknowledge that by God's grace alone, I'm in the other fifty percent of men who do not have a porn addiction (on page 102, Vicki cites a breathtaking statistic that about 20% of Christian women and 50% of Christian men have a pornography addiction). Knowing that porn is a nightmare for a lot of people, I hoped to understand the crisis better. The realism of sin is first-hand for the author, as well as the hope and healing she has experienced through her Redeemer.
The book is divided up into sections of time, which for some people, will be very helpful. If read daily, a person could work through the Bible study that is interspersed in 6 weeks. In the first three weeks, Vicki re-establishes hope in God, surrender to God and learning to trust the One who can heal. The forth week is the heart of the book as it helps you recognize your true identity. In the last two sections, she helps the reader understand the value of brokenness in the plan of God, and then how forgiveness works itself out.
We all need hope, and the first person sections of the book, are intended to let you know that others have walked your road before, and have recovered. Here are a few excerpts:
I believe God is able to meet my greatest needs as I deal with my husband's addiction to pornography, and that he is in the process of doing that even now, but I'm not sure exactly what that looks like . . . sounds like . . . feels like. Most of the time I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. There are occasions when I feel a glimmer of hope that "better" is possible, but it's rare. --Amy
Until my husband and I attempted to refinance our home, I had no idea about several credit cards he had opened, with charges in the tens of thousands. For years, those bills had been going to a post office box, which was also news to me. My husband worked a lot and traveled often, and I knew something was wrong in our relationship, but I never dreamed he might be addicted to pornography or that his addiction had grown to include paying for sex with prostitutes. Despite all of this, I know that God is for me. He is all powerful and able to meet my needs, often before I even know what they are. God can do anything-- even repair this marriage. --Hannah
In the course of pornographic destruction on a marriage, most women will tend to loose their sense of identity. This is the highlight of this book, as Tiede helps women recognize that they get their true identity in the eyes of God alone. Most women want to be pursed and chosen, and if they are believers, Vickie shows them that they have been.
Vicki's viewpoint on forgiveness might be different than what some have been taught through the years. Tiede is careful to differentiate an attitude of forgiveness and the act of forgiveness. The act of forgiveness, according to Vickie, should only be granted to those who are repentant as Christ forgives the repentant. Yet, the attitude of forgiveness should always be on hand to extend to those who are genuinely repentant. There is safety in this position.
I highly recommend this book for all women who have felt the destructive power of pornography. If you purchase this book, take time to talk with a trusted Christian friend for support and prayer. You not only need the help offered in these pages, you also need fellow believers to be instruments in the redeemer's hands.